Monday, March 31, 2008

If Gil Says So...

I literally never want to drink anything else ever again for the rest of my life.

Vitamin Water - the makers of that wonderful elixir that has nursed me back from countless hangovers has gone and done it...they have done the one thing that could conceivably make them any more perfect in your boy's eyes...they went and signed Gilbert Arenas to a deal and put his beautiful mug on my favorite flavor - power-c.

From what I've gleaned from several inside sources, Gil's signature flavor contains 7% pure Gil paintball induced sweat.

Now if only Vitamin Water will make that Tough Juice flavor we've been lobbying for...

Nats Open Season at New Stadium in South East - Dem Corner Boys No-Likey

The Washington Nationals opened the 2008 season in a hale of fanfare - and gunfire - at their digs in South East, Washington, D.C.

The much heralded stadium - just blocks from Agent Beero's place of bidness - was the scene for some silly opening night drama as the Nats defeated dem bums from Hotlanta 3-2 on a two out walk-off homer by Ryan Zimmerman.

Equally as impressive as the Zimm's game winning donger, Nationals Park offers both Five Guys and Ben's Chili Bowl half smokes.

So as I said, the new stadium is in my semi-employed neck of the woods. And while you may say that I'm giving away too much info about my identity, I assure you that saying I work in South East keeps me in a cloak of anonymity...There are essentially three jobs you can have in my neighborhood - drug dealer, former mayor of D.C., or former mayor of D.C. turned drug user and hooker frequenter turned city council member. Guess which one I am...

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Caron Butler: Putting Kevin Martin Through Puberty Since Friday Night

Dear Kevin Martin,

Just wanted to thank you for playing a big part in my next poster. I couldn't have done this without you. Your face was priceless, you have a bright future in getting dunked on.

Caron Butler

For real though, did you see this guy get one hung on his head on Friday night? Shit was bananas. We may have to start a sister site called "Don't Make 'Em Jump Like Kevin Martin." If there's one thing Woody Harrelson has taught me, it's that White Men Can't (shouldn't) Jump. What's that? Kevin Martin's not white? Yeah right, and I'm not awesome either.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

P.S. Wiz won the game 114-108. Only 1.5 games behind Cleveland for the 4 seed. We're coming for you Queen James. Big one vs. the Lakers tonight. C'mon tear away Armani.....

Friday, March 28, 2008

Duke Flavored Hater-Aid - The Choice of a New Generation

Ah...rejoicing in others' suffering - the official motto of Made 'em Jump...

Have you ever hated something so much you've wanted to "...throw a Molotov cocktail through your momma's momma's house..."??

Have you ever had an overwhelming need to two-foot some blue painted fucks right into a hot dog cart full of Eskay hot dogs?

Not that we here at Made 'em Jump hate Duke basketball, it's just that they are the biggest crop of butt nugget turds with an unnatural sense of entitlement the likes of which haven't been seen since...well...Greasy Bear.

That being said...

This past Saturday, thrice of the gentlemen that author this here fine blog went to the Verizon Center for the NCAA Tournament 2nd round Duke vs. West Virginia and Xavier vs. Purdue.

When it comes to college sports we, like most semi-law abiding citizens, aren't down with WVU and their couch burning / battery throwing policies. But when you pit WVU against Duke, you have to root against Duke.

So the thrice of us take our seats in the rafters of the Phone Booth and who should plop down in front of us but two of the most stereotypical Duke fans...ever...

These Carlton Banks, joint tax return filing mother fuckers sit down rocking their officially issued "Cameron Crazies" fan package circa 1997 - visors, gray camo-ish pants from a long forgotten Sisqo, "witty" Duke themed t-shirts, etc. And no sooner did we sit down did they go into their "trash" talking and Duke chants and choreographed dance routines. These guys clearly had no clue who they were dealing with, as they're the ones that initiated the shit talking. Granted, their shit talking consisted of spouting off grade point averages, rubbing each other's nipples and very non hetero pats on the ass. For every made fould shot Duke took, these turds would do the patened "Woosh" and every time WVU would shoot, they would try to distract the shooter (keep in mind they were roughly 1,000 feet from the floor).

It was impossible to ignore these fuckers...first of all they came with "girls" of which was built like Mike Golic...the other, large boobicaled one, was rocking a Carolina Blue "I Heart Roy's Boys" t-shirt. These turds couldn't even get cred with their bitches...

As the delightfully well bred sports fans that we are, we tried not to let them get to us...but despite our best efforts, we couldn't help but get our Irish up...or in the case of Agent Hiro, his Asian-American Irish up...

We lit into them the way three bad brothers from the mean streets of Northern Virginia would...lots of screaming "done, son" in their ears after every WVU point, plenty of nonsensical retarded comments, asking them when they were getting married and where they were registered at, and all the annoying bits that made us laugh and them curse the TicketMaster Gods for their seating assignments...

About halfway through the 2nd half WVU started to pull away on the backs of Radford, Va. native Darris Nichols and this mother fucker - Mr. Basketball West Virginia Joe Alexander (not the Huggy Bear). With about 4 minutes left in the game, it began to look like WVU was going to win. And then the most unbelievable thing in the history of all sports happened...the turd in the sweatshirt pulled out his own single serving cup of apple sauce and began to drink it like a fucking glass of scotch...just sipping on the mother fucker...AND THEN THE THEO HUXTABLE FUCK TURNED THE TOP OF HIS APPLE SAUCE INTO A FUCKING SPOON AND SCOOPED OUT THE LAST FEW MORSELS OF THE APPLE SAUCERIFFIC SNACK...fucking unbelievable...almost as unbelievable as the fact that none of us took a picture of it...

Once WVU was well on their way to victory, all shit talking (from them) had ceased, and said turds began to pretend like we weren't there. Long story short, the two Dookies finally digested the fact that their team just isn't that good, and decided to console each other, the only way two former Duke "roommates" (read: life partners) can:

I'm guessing my man on the right is the big spoon at night.

High fives all around for Duke being overrated.

God is Love,
Rev Run (Really Agent Beero, Agent Hiro, and the other two ghost faced bloggers who refuse to create e-monikers)

She Won't Regret This At All...

...because the tattoo will represent all the "love, inner strength, and beauty she has"...

Strike that, reverse it...

I think Audriana just got a tattoo that says "Everyone in America has seen my Joe E. Tatas" in Chinese...or of those funny little languages...

Sources report that it may actually say "I was born in Kowloon Bay!" but in Cantonese...

Thursday, March 27, 2008

This Is TIP, Coming Live From Cellblock D

The Associated Press is reporting that one of Made 'em Jump's favorite rappers, Clifford "TI" Harris, is heading to the slammer. The AP reports that the self-proclaimed "King of the South" plead guilty to weapons charges and will be sentenced after completing community service. Apparently he will talk to kids about the pitfalls of guns, gangs and drugs ... all of the things that made him great.

Takin' It Back To The Old School, Cause I'm An Old Fool Whose So Cool

Please God say this style is coming back...

Brandon "Kid" Jennings debuted his eraser-ish hair steez last night at the McDonald's All-American game...and to be honest with you, I think the style is AWESOME. Jennings will be following in the great footsteps of one Gilbert Arenas next year when he balls at Arizona

I really think there is no better way to go through life than looking like this:

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

That's A Breathalyzer Richie, Not A Guitar Talk Box

Wow. Not bad for Made 'em Jump's first celebrity mug shot. Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi was arrested late Tuesday night and accused of driving under the influence in Laguna Beach, California. I bet he was going to see this man.

Made 'em Jump Beard Battle o' the Day

The bitch looks like Prince...

C-Webb Retires, Laments about "Glory Days in Chocolate City"

Former Washington Bullets "surprisingly weak"-forward Mayce Edward Christopher Webber III announced his retirement today.

Webber, besides being semi-talented, was also one of the Bullets instrumental in reinstating the "Curse O' Les Boulez" :

I'm roughly 157% sure we can blame Gil and Caron's recent spat of injuries on C-Webb.

Besides not playing in many games during his career, Dr. Webber is known for the following:

  1. banging that narsty bitch Tyra Banks
  2. getting popped for second-degree assault, resisting arrest, possession of marijuana, driving under the influence of marijuana and five other traffic-related violations
  3. being one of the "Fab Five"
  4. not being able to remember how many time outs his team has
  5. being one hell of a rapper

Rest ye oars, sailor. God speed and good luck spending the last few years of your life living on Juwan Howard's couch.

Your man in the streets,

The Chattanooga Champ

Mourning Would

Alonzo Mourning Would like to introduce you to Meg Griffin. Better known for her role as Jackie on That 70's Show, Mila Kunis co-stars in the upcoming film: Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It's a heart-warming tale about a young woman with amnesia who forgets her name is Sarah Marshall...or some ish like that. Alonzo wouldn't know exactly, because he couldn't get through the entire plot summary on IMDB before he had to rub one out to that slamming Rusky silly. (Your editor's here at Made 'Em Jump Like Rod Strickland would like to apologize for Mr. Mourning's gratuitous reference - our mind grapes were just fermented).

Please enjoy the show: Sweet Sweet Mila

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Bullets on the Bullets

"And tell LeBron to cut that beard off and stop copying me.” - Mr. 50

Well, I'm finally home for an extended period of time after being on the road in SoCal for two weeks for work, and then spending a 4 day bender in Vegas with a part of the Made 'Em Jump braintrust. SoCal was good, and I must say Circle K Taquitos > 7-11 Taquitos. Vegas on the other hand, well let's just say I lost my phone, a Nats fitted, a good portion of my life force, and quite a bit of my dignity. Shoutouts to the fine employees of a certain minty horned beast though for ruining my perception on life and the way it should work. Ain't life grand.

Anyhow, we've got a lot of Wiz related ish to catch up on, so without further ado, some bullets on the Bullets:

I'll be trying to do some big time catching up this week on the posts, but some things to lookout for this week in the sports related corner of Made 'em Jump: DC United Preview, an in depth interview with Ben Olsen's beard, and me trying to convince Leon Black to give the Wiz his famous "Get In That Ass" speech before their inevitable series with LeBitch.

Yours in (hopefully Lebron's) blood,
Agent Hiro

Ah Crap...

Long time Made 'em Jump Spokeswoman and occasional Agent Beero "freebie" Sienna Miller is officially off the market...

We loved this saucy wench from Cool Britannia for many reasons...her coolly demure demeanor, her eloquence, and her...well...dopeicity...

We're gonna miss her...

Monday, March 24, 2008

Looks Like That Tear-Away Armani Will Have To Wait

Despite laying a beat down on the Pistons at the phone booth, there was bad news out of Wizards camp last night. The G-I-L wanted to play, but was not cleared by doctors. The Washington Post is reporting that Gil told reporters, "Ya'll don't have to write any more. I'm not coming back this year." However, Gil was on the Wiz bench after the game started and looked to be in a better mood. So with all this speculation, I'm going to make a bold prediction: Gilbert comes back next Sunday, March 30 when the Wiz play the Lakers in LA. I'm not stopping there, though. Not only will Gil make his return that night, but I predict the best... entrance... ever. I'm guessing that he will not announce he's coming back before gametime. However, as Brian Austin Green (yes, that B.A.G.) announces starting line-ups, Gilbert will reveal that the suit he is wearing is actually a tear-away and underneath is his uniform. As for his "dress shoes," they will actually be some new model Gil 0's that are appropriate for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and first communions. I'm not going to predict minutes or points for Gil, but be sure, when he comes back, it will be anything but traditional. So here is my advice to all you Wiz fans: just watch the game, look for "celebrities" in the crowd, and remember, just cause Gil is wearing a suit 10 minutes before tip, doesn't mean he's not going to play. Check back with me next Monday, but after what happened last year in LA, I don't think Agent Zero can resist taking another bow at the Staples Center.

Happy Birthday Mr. Steve McQueen

This right here is the man all men should model themselves after...

He reminds myself of a young version of...well...myself...he raced motorcycles, made awesome movies, slammed Budweiser, and was awesomely grizzled before he died in Juarez, Mexico...just like me...

God rest your smutty old soul...

The Hills Season Something-or-Other Debuts Tonight

Sweet holy Moses...if this is what we have to look forward to this season...sign me up...also get me one of my guns, cause I like to hunt big game. "Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up."

Here's a little teaser to get you ready for tonight.

America's White Trash Sweetheart All Growed Up

In an effort to reach out to that hard to target "women 19-47 and emotionally unstable and possibly bat shit crazy" demographic, we here at Made 'em Jump occasionally dip our massive ladle of sports knowledge and oft' witty commentary into other "sports" other than our usual realm of basketball, football, and whoring...

To that end, we present you with:

Shannon Miller, the U.S. of A's most decorated gymnast...

Remember those silly 1992-era acid washed bangs?

Remember those washboard...well...entire torso??

Well time, and human growth hormone, have not been kind to her.

She appears to be one face lift away from my childhood hero Skeletor.

Not to completely alienate our zero female readers, I was always a big fan of Dominique Dawes. Not only is D-boogie a DMV native, she was definitely always the best looking of the early 90s US gymnastic sprites. And unlike Ms. Miller and her creepy looks, Dominique kept it real as she got older. Yo D, holla at me when you're in town.

Who Loves Donger??

This guy!

Dr. Nicholas Cannon putting the "out" in "Wild 'n Out"...

P.S. I believe he is carrying a TV remote in his back pocket...I wonder what he uses that for??? ZING!

Friday, March 21, 2008

March Madness Part Duex: Sons Strike Back

As the second day of NCAA tourney action draws to a close, we here at Made 'Em Jump Like Rod Strickland would like to take a moment to acknowledge some of the day's best performers:

Singer, songwriter, troubador extraordinaire Delbert McCLinton's son, Jack (pictured inset), went off for 38 points in Miami FL(s) game against St. Mary's this afternoon. Beyond the startling physical resemblence, these two share something beyond the prototypical father-son bond: a love for Thai hookers & Mad Dog 20/20. File that factoid away for future reference....

Performance number two of the afternoon belongs to Stephen Curry, son of Wardell Curry. Stephen, known as one of the deadliest shooters in the country, went off for 40 during today's game against the college basketball team that white people like, the Gonzaga Bulldogs.

Speaking of the 'Zags...ever since Heytvelt took the team on a trip that would make the great Hunter S. Thompson proud, the Blue Devils of the PacWest have been perennial underperformers. Your esteemed editors have a few words of advice: "...shut up bitch and chew up this mushroom!"

Finally, we would like to acknowledge the #13 seeds. Two takedowns today: Siena over Vandy and Los Toreros over the Huskies. Not exactly vintage from stuff from coach Calhoun.
Truly impressive stuff from the underdogs...just like Mr. Nakamura's grass-roots industrialist empire in Japan (Ed note: one of the most gregarious, perveted Japanese business men we have ever met).

More to come from Hiro after the D.C. Regionals tomorrow

Made 'em Jump's Kristin Cavallari Photo of the Day

Ah crap! I think she spotted us. Damn lack of foliage...can't a guy lurk in the bushes in peace anymore?!?!

More photos of KC and some "hard hitting" journalism here.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

He Just Had to See the Rod Strickland Photo For Himself

Avid Made 'em Jump Reader, Russell Crowe, stopped by the world famous Ben's Chili Bowl to check out the picture of Rod Strickland we discovered last week-ish.

Big Rus is in Chocolate City filming the movie "State of Play"; which - oddly enough - has nothing to do with the state of plays in America.

More importantly than this, I have now learned that a certain Jason Bateman is also in D.C. filming the above mentioned film. As a result, I have a declared a state of "Batemanium" in the District. We are currently operating under "Code Orange" - A likely chance of Bateman-related pandemonium with a slight touch of George Michael Bluth.

Your man in the streets,
The Chattanooga Champ

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Who Shot Ya?

"How come they ain't found who killed Biggie or Tupac but they arrest O.J. Simpson the next day? Nicole Simpson can't rap! I want justice" -Dave Chappelle

An article in Monday's LA Times claims that Biggie and Diddy were aware that late rapper, actor and former member of Digital Underground Tupac would be ambushed at a New York recording studio back in 1994. This is not the attack that killed Tupac. Diddy is denying the report, calling it ridiculous. We'll let you read the article and decide for yourself.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Made 'em Jump Photo of the Day

A tale of two hot pole vaulters...

Pole vaulting is quickly approaching women's softball as the sport with the hottest participants.

The young lass on the left - Allison Stokke - enraptured the sports blogging community a few months back at the tender age of something below consent. Ms. Stokke is now in college and driving the young lads of Cal wild with her spandexed ways.

Ms. Stokke now has some competition courtesy of the land of criminals and sheep.

Enter stage right Ms. Melanie Adams. Ms. Adams is quickly on her way to becoming Australia's hottest exports since Paul Hogan and the cast of Road Rules 6. That is - of course - until Bindi Irwin's line of delightfully charming clothes hits the shelves at your nearest Belk.

The Chattanooga Champ,
Agent Beero

Made 'em Jump Experiment o' the Day

I knew getting knocked up gave you big ol' boobicals...but man, I had no idea it gave you such gorgeous facial hair...

Then again, Nicole Richie just might be Joel Madden's beard. Not that I believe that. But I'm just saying.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Our Invitation Must Have Been Lost in the Mail

As the resident kings of D.C. sports meida (with Lindsey Czarniak playing the role of our queen - this being a close second) it came as a bit of a shock that we were not invited to Tough Juice's 28th Birthday Jam:

The long and short of it is that we were straight cold snubbed...Caron, I thought we were all friends. I mean just because both Kim Kardashian and Carmen Electra have restraining orders filled against us, doesn't mean that we couldn't attend. Well...actually it does...but it would have been nice to have been at least invited.

It took all weekend to get over the hurt of not being included.
We thought we were okay with it...
That is until we saw this:
BIZ!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! How could you? You told us you were going to Popeyes with Ashy Larry.

Made 'em Jump Photo of the Day

With thrice of the Brain Trust in Vegas for a wedding, your man in the streets Agent Beero was intrusted holding down the fort in Chocolate City. Not surprisingly, I watched roughly 476 hours of NCAA basketball and 5 old episdoes of The Wire and have done zero to further the cause of this blog. To that end, I will continue with my sub par performance by being lazy and posting this:

Name that wench.
If you were guessing it was Tiki Barber dressed in drag, you'd be pretty damn close.

But if you guessed her, you'd be right. Sweet chocolate Christ on a whole wheat cracker. For years I wondered what Diana Ross would look like if she got busy with Rerun from "What's Happening!!". And now I know. I can now die knowing that all of life's mysteries have been solved.

P.S. Despite what Agent Hiro may post this week about the quality of some 2nd rate Virginia commuter school's bball program, there is no way in hell that George Mason will beat Notre Dame. Whatever he writes, you can't believe him. He's Japanese-ish And as history has shown us over the last 100 years, you can't trust the Japanese.

P.P.S. No disrespect meant to Japanese people. I love you guys. You gave us this, this, and of course this.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Made 'em Jump Caption Contest

Washington, D.C. contains some of the most famous landmarks in the world. There's the Washington Monument, The White House, The U.S. Capitol and countless other jems. Among them -- Ben's Chili Bowl. It is a hole in the wall diner frequented by some of Washington's most powerful people. I happened to be at Ben's a few night's ago and was checking out the pictures they have on the wall. They have Bill Cosby, Hillary Clinton, Marion Barry and Bono all visiting the joint. As I was looking, one picture seemed to shine brighter than the rest. I can't explain what drew me to it, but it just seemed to have a sparkling glow. When I looked closer I almost fainted. That's right, it was Rod Strickland picking up one of his beloved half smokes. As you can see, I took a picture of the picture and have posted it here. (By the way, some people in the restaurant seemed to think it was weird I was taking a picture of a picture. To these people I say, "Have you ever heard Triumph? Were you part of that magical 96-97 season when Rod helped the Bullets make it to the first round of the play-offs. Oh, you weren't? Then shut up and stop staring.) Anyway, I figured this picture was reason enough to hold our first ever Made 'em Jump caption contest. The only prize -- pride, son.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Pass That Caron-ic, Son

"The king's back now/Hos don't even know how to act now/Hit the club, strippers getting naked before he sat down." -TI

Sorry Hiro, I had to copy your steez and use a quote on this glorious day. That's right, is reporting that Caron will be back tomorrow night against the Cavs. Butler (see Tough Juice, Caronimo, Caron-ic) has been out since early February with a torn labrum. I'm so happy, I could kiss Phil Chenier. Wait, what do you mean Buckhantz already beat me to it?

On The Bubbles

No, not that Bubbles. Although, I think I speak for everyone here at Made em Jump when I say that we couldn't be happier for Bub and the fact that his sister no longer needs to keep him locked in the basement to prevent him from stealing her shit to get that pandemic. Anyway, on the eve of the ACC tournament two local teams need very good showings to make the Big Dance. I'm talking about Virginia Tech and Maryland.

We'll start with the Terps. After losing to Virginia in Charlottesville in the last game of the regular season, it seems like Maryland will need to make the finals of the ACC tournament if they hope to have any shot at dancing. They finished the regular season 18-13 with some very bad losses (see American University, UVa). However, they did have a huge win over UNC. Tomorrow they'll take on BC in the first round. If Gist and Osby show up, the Terps could very well be a team that makes a nice run, and like Bubbles, finally gets out of a relative's basement and reaches the promise land.

Now to Virginia Tech. No matter what happens, this season has to be considered a success for the Hokies. They have a crapload of freshman and were picked to finish 10th in the ACC in the pre-season coaches poll. Instead, they finished fourth after losing to Clemson by a point in South Cack-a-lacky on Sunday. Despite a strong ACC showing, they have very few quality wins and an ass load of bad losses (see ODU, Richmond). To make it to the dance they're going to need at least one, probably two victories in the ACC tournament. They have a bye tomorrow, but will more than likely get Miami on Friday. Win, lose or draw, look for Malcolm Delaney to be the hardest thing out of Baltimore since Marlo Stansfield, AD Vassallo to knock down some threes and Seth Greenberg to be screaming and complaining.

It's Like the Reunification of Germany...

"...yeah, but with way better tits."

In what can only be described as an event more important that The Vatican II, SALT II, and this combined, Kristin Cavallari and Lauren Conrad are well on their way to becoming BFFLs. that isn't that important to the majority of Americans or the esteemed scholars that read this blog. But to the fine editors of Made 'em Jump, life doesn't get much better - or hotter - than this (come on late night lingerie-clad pillow fights). It also means that I get to post this picture:

Because as the great William Q. Huxtable-Cosby taught us so many years ago, there's always room for Jel-LO...HAHAHA...double ZING!!! This stuff just writes itself.

Your man on the streets,
Agent Beero

P.S. Despite what you may believe and what the rest of the brain trust here at Made 'em Jump will tell you, I DID NOT make that photo montage of Lo. And there is a perfectly good explanation why there is a wall-sized version of the collage on my bedroom's because...Hey! Look over there!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

"... the life of kings." — H.L. Mencken

RIP "The Wire" 2002-2008

The series finale of "The Wire" aired this past Sunday and I'm still reeling from the realization that it's over. But in true Bahl-more form, the show went out on the straight ganster tip - guns blazing, crack pipes smoking, and to paraphrase Hova "middle finger to the Lord, grippin' its balls". "The Wire" went down the same way Bodie (undoubtedly my favorite character from the entire series) went out - standing its ground, protecting its corner, while its "Gloc go pop".

More or less "The Wire" kept it real all the time, and for that I am grateful...cause if the show had some copout ending, it would have been forever tainted...but in the end, those that needed to got got and the good guys - God love 'em - got drunk on Jamesons.

I'm gonna miss that fucking show. And for better or worse, I still love me some Bahl-more.

Made 'em Jump Photo of the Day

I didn't know Madonna had a twin...


Those are two buff disrespect meant to Iggy Pop who, as we all know, turned in the performance of his career in the 2000 cinematic gem "Snow Day". This is, of course, the movie that taught us that despite what the weird girl with the dog collar and the tattoo of a snake on her face might say, "Al Martino does not bite the big one."

Monday, March 10, 2008

Who Ya Got?: CAA Champions Edition

"Time and time again I gotta turn back round and tell these hoes/That I am the H.N.I.C. bitch that's just the way it goes" - Big Boi (Purple Ribbon All Stars)

The Patriot Center, home of CAA Champions......and Sesame Street on Ice.

Agent Hiro here, checking in from the left coast, and it is my pleasure to say that GEORGE MASON IS GOING TED DANSON AGAIN!!! That's right bitches, my beloved Patriots are headed back to the promised land. This is going to kind of be a long-ish post, due to the fact that I haven't been able to blog effectively in the last couple of weeks while I've been in LA. My hobbiest paparazzi gig and trying to find (read: stalk) Rachel Bilson has taken quite a bit more time than I had originally anticipated.

Anyways, Mason beat a very white William & Mary squad 68-59 in the CAA Championship game in Richmond tonight. Sweet Jesus, I haven't seen that much white since the "Made Em Jump" crew balled and shot called their way to taking down Fat Joe's Terror Squad last summer on an "Icey White Wednesday" at Rucker Park. Only leading by 1 at the break, Folarin (pronounced "bah-ler") Campbell made it rain 3s to start the second half, and Mason never looked back. Will Thomas was once again a force to be reckoned with, dominating in the paint and finishing with 18 and 13. Now that we've gotten to Will Thomas, here is your "Who Ya Got?: CAA Champions Edition":

On the top is former Mason star and 3 time CAA POTY George Evans (yes, that George Evans), on the bottom is current Mason star Will Thomas. Take Will Thomas' hair off, and I'm pretty sure they're related/genetic clones. Kind of like Cheryl and Reggie Miller, I won't be fully convinced that they're not the same person until I see them in the same place at the same time. With my own eyes. If they can make digital piss, they sure as hell can make a digital Cheryl Miller.

I also want to send a big thanks to W&M for making our NCAA berth easier by taking out the Eric Maynor led VCU Rams, as well as a big congrats on making their first conference tournament final ever. EVER. Not bad for only being a educational institution for 315 years. At least you can take solace in the fact that you're located in the great commonwealth of Virginia, as well as the fact that someone on your baseball team has impeccable taste in music.

So while we wait for the big boys to duke it out in the major conference tournaments, let's all bask in the glory of Mason's victory, and reflect on what happened the last time they were invited to the Big Dance:

Somewhere, Nate Langley is smiling. And probably getting his hair cornrowed.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

P.S. How you like them apples Packer and Nantz? Bitches.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Saddest News Since O.D.B Died

I have been putting off writing this post for a while now. After several white wine spritzers and hours on the couch in my favorite sweatpants crying, I feel I can now address this very sad topic.

Mr. Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer. There, I said it. Initially, I didn't want to believe the article, hoping it was just another fabricated story by Scott Templeton. But alas, it is all true.

We here at Made 'em Jump are all big fans of Mr. Swayze and celebrate his entire body of work. I, in particular, have a special spot in my heart for The Swayz after meeting him in 2005 in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean aboard USS Harry S. Truman (CVN-75). Despite the fact that he was roughly 5'2" and looked to be made out of old catchers mitts, he was exceedingly nice and autographed a copy of "Point Break" for me.

We wish P. Swayze the best of luck and full and speedy recovery. And until then, we'll reflect back on his fine body of work to keep us going - such classic characters as Darry Curtis from "The Outsiders"; Jed from "Red Dawn"; or that "righteous son of a bitch" Bohdi from the single greatest move of all time - "Point Break"...

"Little hand says it's time to rock n' roll", Mr. Swayze.

Solemnly yours,
Agent Beero

Made 'em Jump Photo of the Day

Hypothetical, political, lyrical, miracle whip
just like butter, my ryhmes are legit
Cause I'm the humpty. Not humpty dumpty, but humpty hump
Here a hump, there a hump, everywhere a hump...

Thank sweet merciful Jebus, he's still alive!!! Mr. Edward G. Humphreys aka Humpty Hump aka Shock G made a halftime appearance at a recent Pistons - Dank Nugs game in Denver.

"Never knew a hooker that could share me, I get around..."
Agent Beero

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

The Tale of Two Busted Grills

'Cause there was a time when all I did was wish
You'd tell me this was love
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned
But somehow it's enough...
- Vanessa Williams

Today, my heart aches...for today, I have seen what has become of two of my former loves.

Oh Mickey, what has time - and several thousand punches to the face / plastic surgeries - done to that formerly enchanting mug of yours?? Also, when did you become homeless, grow a mini-ponytail, and decide it was a good idea to appear in public wearing a coat held together with duct tape??

And Ally, sweet sweet Ally...what have the hipster dufuses done to you?? The last time we saw you, you were 22 going on Oldie Hawn. Now you look like you just came off the assembly line to attend some sort of odd ball event. Also, are you wearing a purple bikini with a flannel blanket wrapped around your boobicals? Just asking. Why can't we get back to the days when you would take a helicopter to go shopping with your ugly friend??

Yours in abject sadness,
Agent Beero