Friday, February 29, 2008

"Real Recognizes Real"


(This is not an actual video clip, just the only picture I could find.)


After the Wiz beat the Celtics earlier this year, Caron Bulter said it best: "Real recognizes real." With the Wiz in Chi Town tonight, taking on the Bulls, we here at "Made em Jump" want to say the same thing. Not to the Bulls, whom I hate almost as much as Cleveland, but to Bulls and Bears "Superfans." I'm of course talking about the fat dudes from SNL. I like to think of the four people who post on this blog as Wizards superfans. However, while Farley, Wendt, Myers, Goodman, Smigel and Montegna (that's right -- Joe Montegna was a "Superfan" -- check Wikipedia) enjoy beer and salted, cured meats in excess, the four of us enjoy beer and mid- to late 90's rap music in excess. A few other notes about this game and the Bulls in general.


1) Thank you for my best memory ever as a Wiz fan, Chicago. When the East Coast Assassin hit that last second shot to beat you in the playoffs a few years back, I almost flew to Chicago to punch Nocioni in the face myself.


2) Namond Bryce is a bitch and you Joakim Noah, look like Namond Bryce.


3) Why didn't you keep Michael Jordan? He was, without question, the best basketball player ever. However, he sure did run the Wiz into the ground. Two words: Tyron Lue.

And I'm Proud to be an American...

At first glance you might think this picture is from "The Wire" - a dapper don or possibly some sort of mid-level pimp posing with Maryland State Legislators...



But if you are from the DMV (D.C., Maryland, and Virginia) you know better than that...You know that official looking hustler is none other than Chuck "The Godfather of GoGo" Brown. And those aren't state legislators; those are legit U.S. Congressmen...and the crazy homophobic guy from "Grey's Anatomy"

For the uneducated masses who read this blog - GoGo is a type of funk-like music that started in D.C. in the 1970s...Unless you grew up listening to GoGo on Friday nights on WPGC or WKYS, you have a) probably never heard it before 2) will hate it when you hear it III) are massively retarded because GoGo is - as the kids say these days - "the jam"...

As a semi related tangent, while attending the wedding of a certain former high school girlfriend of mine and friend of this brain trust, another unnamed friend who I will cryptically refer to as "Rob" (I'd like to see the Commi-Nazis try and break that code) had the band play the classic and super appropriate - for a wedding with grandparents in attendance - E.U. song "Da Butt".

Yours in Sardines, Hey...and Pork and Beans,
Agent Beero

Mourning Would

Alonzo Mourning Would...totally stuff this chump! You call that a board? Bitch please...

Alonzo's bad kidney dominated the paint with more ferocity than Senator Hussein and his wussified windpants. For all the talk about Barack being a b-ball die-hard, we say this picture diminishes his street cred as a baller.

How? Think of it this way: You're a captain chosing sides for a pick-up game. You're telling me you're taking the guy wearing pants? Come on sun!

Now if he was murdered out in some Jordan's, mid-shin Bulls shorts and a retro Cliff Levingston jersey, then maybe we would believe the Senator from Illinois was actually a baller. Until then....he's just Barack Obama, the Columbia and Harvard graduate who wears windpants on the court. Alonzo Mourning Would would have totally pwned this jabroni.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Labrums, the bane of my existence.

"I know the pain the game bring/I did the same thing" - Inspectah Deck


Sweet merciful Jesus, Caron has a torn labrum. What is a labrum? Who fucking cares, all I know is that this shit is keeping Tough Juice out for WAAYYY longer than I would've liked. I gotta say though, I can totally commiserate with Caron and performance related injuries. I have a HUGE blister on my left thumb from my XBOX360 controller and let's be honest, my liver is hanging onto life by a thread. But, this is the price we pay for being in the top .00000001 percentile of our respective professions. Get better soon Caron (you too Gil) but until then, someone take my shoelaces away.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro


Mourning Would:


Alonzo Mourning would definitely tap that ass.... In fact, so would most red-blooded american males - including the braintrust here at Made 'Em Jump Like Rod Strickland. Nothing starts our day off right like a nice pic of Erin Andrews' boobicles. We just wish they weren't swaddled away in a 60-40 cotton/poly blend. RELEASE THE HOUNDS!

Enjoy the visuals.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

When Times Get Tough..


Last night's game in Houston was brutal. The Wiz took a pretty bad beating. However, we have just the solution. Until Gilbert and Caron get back, lets just sign these two to temporary contracts...

The Justice System Works!

Praise Jebus, a National Treasure can get a fair trial in this country...



Looks like our boy B Squared got a year of community service for the cocaine possession charge he caught last year.

There are two interesting things in the above linked article:

  1. the article starts with six straight words that begin with "B"...pretty impressive
  2. he got busted at a Holiday Inn...I don't even stoop low enough to stay at a Holiday Inn...unless it happens to be a pay day and I stop in for an hour of late afternoon fun...



If you are feeling badly for Bobby right now, just draw yourself a warm bath, put in the "Ghost Busters II" soundtrack, press play, and let your mind drift off to the days of yore when Bobby looked like this:

Where Have You Gone Guglio-o-tta???

The Wizards need you more than you can know...whow whow whow...



So the Wiz are 3-10 for the month of February - the greatest month in the Aztec calendar - and as Gil said in his blog yesterday, "...it's getting crunchy now." So what are the Wiz to do until Gil and Caron are back on the court?

Well I'll tell you...they need to bring back the two greatest players in Bullets/Wizards history - Mr. Thomas P. Gugliotta and "The Man, The Myth, The Legend, The Guy Who Bought $19,200 in hot dogs" Mr. Kevin "00" Duckworth.

Now I'm no analyst like Agent Hiro, but I don't see how this could fail. However, if for some reason this deal doesn't go down, the Wiz need to adopt my "kick everyone in the balls" plan until there is no one left to play against and they win all their games...just call me Red Auerbach.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Dagger!!!!!


Don't worry Harry Conick, Jr... you aren't the only one in New Orleans not feeling your face. That's right, DeShawn hit a three pointer as time ran out last night in the Big Easy and the Wiz got the win. This was a much needed, well deserved win on the road for the Zards. DeShawn had a career high 33 and more importantly, the beard fade was looking amazing. I'm waiting for the moment when I flip a picture of DeShawn upside down it somehow miraculously morphs into a picture of Play, of Kid n' Play fame. Anyway, since this post is late it will also serve as a Wiz/Rockets preview for tonight. The big news in the NBA today -- Yao is out for the season. And as one of my colleague's pointed out earlier in the day, the Chinese national team has to be freaking out about his status for this summer's Olympic games in Beijing. If he can't play, the U.S. needs to brace for an invasion courtesy of General Tso.
Prediction:
Wiz-102
Rockets-98

Monday, February 25, 2008

He's F'ing Ben Affleck


This video pretty much speaks for itself. However, I know you all have one lingering question. Yes, at approximately 4:36, that is the purple suit wearing, Cornell graduate and singer of Hip To Be Square, Huey Lewis.

Omar Got Got


RIP Omar Little - the most gully dude "on the down low"...ever...


Hot damn...your man in the streets - the assassin turned cripple turned puttin' Marlo on blast for hiding - Omar Little "got got" in last night's episode of "The Wire".

Fully expecting Omar to go down "in a hail of gunfire" a la Coach Norton, I was super shocked when Omar went out like he did. Marlo didn't get him...Chris & Snoop didn't get him...it was that young hopper Kenard. 'Nards just walked up on him in a Korean grocery store and...well...did what young kids do in Baltimore, shot a brotha. My guess is that 'Nards was calling out Omar for being a bitch and buying a pack of Newport Lights in a soft pack...A SOFT PACK!!! I thought only the Marlboro Man still bought soft packs...

Clay Davis is innocent.

SHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

Sunday, February 24, 2008

The Good, The Bad And The Budweisers

This weekend as a Wiz fan...

Friday night -- The boys traveled to Cleveland to take on the Cavs. If you've read this blog before, you know that we all hate Cleveland as a team and a city. Once again, Caron was out with the hip flexor. However, they did interview him and I tell you this -- Tough Juice is the best dressed player in the NBA. I was at a game at Verizon earlier this season and they did a best dressed contest showing Caron, Songalia and Pech. Does this seem unfair to anyone else? Caron was wearing a sick suit and looking fresh. Meanwhile, Pech was wearing Cross Colors (see Kriss Cross circa 1990) and Songalia was wearing a Hypercolor T-shirt. Needless to say, the deck was stacked in Caron's favor. Anyway, for the most part, the Wiz gave a gutty effort. They played tough defense, but in the end, were bested by Lebron, who hit two free throws in the waining seconds to give the Cavs the win. I went to bed enraged

Saturday night -- A couple of my friends and I had a suite at the phone booth for the game. It was awesome. One drawback about going to Wiz games is that I miss my friends Steve Buckhantz and Phil Chenier. In this case, I decided to replace their presence by drinking 20 Budweisers. This is where things start to get a little hazy and after the win, I decided to crack open about 20 more celebratory Budweisers. As opposed to being enraged when I went to bed, I was "spinny."

1-1 on the weekend. Still in the sixth playoff spot in the East and every day that passes we get closer to getting Gilbert and Caron back.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Made 'em Jump Murderous Rampage Photo of the Day

This is the kind of picture that "gets my Irish up", makes me want to set my ears on fire...and then give up on humanity and pull a Lil' Wayne maneuver:

"one hand on ma money, on hand on ma buddy
thas tha AK47 made his neighborhood love me
bullets like birds you can hear them bitches hummin"



Not only does this picture just seriously irk - and not the good kind of irk as in "Erk and Jerk" - the fucking shite out of me because The Roots are associating themselves with this hootinany of a butt nugget, but because of this.

That weasely little bastard Moby worked Natalie Portman - one of the unexplainably / oddly flyest chicks in the game...gentile or Jew. She is dead to me.

I see you working Cleveland

"To tell the truth, I’m not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I’m excited going to Cleveland, I’d punch myself in the face, because I’m lying." - Ichiro Suzuki

So I wanted to wait until the NBA trade deadline passed before I spoke on the absurd ammount of movement over the last couple of weeks, and now that the 2/21 3 pm deadline has passed and the dust has settled, let me make one thing clear: NBA Owners appear to be recruiting their GMs from the special olympics (not you Ernie.)

At one point or another, every single NBA GM will make a ridiculous mistake. Drafting Darko, signing Steve Francis and Marbury to the same roster, and signing Juwan Howard to the first 9 figure contract in the NBA are just a few examples. Unless of course your name starts with a W and ends in es Unseld, then it's the reverse, where once in a blue moon you'll make a logical decision. Like trading Sheed for Rod the God Body. That being said, it seems as if a ton of GMs this year have either been huffing spray paint in their offices, or are being paid off by the Tim Donaghy Gambinos to fix the trade season.

So to start off with some of the losers of the trade season, we'll begin with those idiots in Memphis. Essentially, the Griz gave the Lakers their best player in Pau Gasol for the WORST #1 pick ever, a rookie, and the rights to Pau's little brother. Is this some kind of sick joke? Dallas, I'm looking in your direction as well. While everyone else in your conference is stockpiling big men, you just gave up a good young point guard, serviceable big men depth and two first round draft picks for an over the hill point guard who was ABUSED by his heir to the point guard throne in his Dallas debut. Shaq to PHX was something I was hard on at first, but after watching them lose to LA the other night in a shootout, I'm semi-convinced that they could actually make it work. It didn't dawn on me until then, but whenever Shaq and Amare are on the court together, Amare's getting checked by the second biggest guy on the floor, which will be a mismatch every offensive set. Still on the fence, but cautiously optimistic about it. Hopefully Marion will help the Heat a little bit too so they won't fall into a ridiculous talent (read: Michael Beasley) with a top 5 pick in this year's draft to pair with Wade.

What I'd really like to talk about however, is those turd burglars in Ohio. Danny Ferry pulled the trigger on a 3 team 11 man trade yesterday, that nabbed the Cavs Ben Wallace and Wally World. Not this Wally World, this one. God damn Cleveland gave up a LOT for Wallace (Drew Gooden, Larry Hughes and some others.) I think that the Cavs are being a might bit pretentious going with two big men like Z and Wallace. You can tell they're posturing to make the finals again, and got Wallace to help defend against the big men in the West. Why would you need two big men like that, unless say Phoenix got Shaq to go with Amare, San Antonio got Kurt Thomas to go with TD, and LA got Gasol and will have a healthy Bynum in a couple of weeks. And even then, SA only got Thomas so they could defend against the two headed big man monster in Phoenix. All I'm saying is this will make the Wiz knocking Cleveland out in the second round that much sweeter. Ugh, God awful Ohio. At least you produce fine upstanding gentlemen like Maurice Clarett. Nothing says fly-over state like Grey Goose and assault rifles. Retards.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

P.S. For those of you who had a hellacious commute to work in the ice today, peep the Ichiro link all the way at the top, should brighten your day a bit. Mr. Miyagi + Motorboat = made 'em jump gold. For those of you who didn't, fuck Hugh.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Fear The Turtlehead


This post is a little late, but being a Virginia Tech hoops fan in the D.C. area I had to write something about last night's Maryland vs. VT game in College Park. I don't want to pontificate and make all of the Maryland fans angry, but I do want to talk about three things I learned from last night's game.


3) Maryland can't play without their big men. Both Gist and Osby got into foul trouble early and had to sit, leaving room for Jeff Allen, one of the best freshman in the ACC, to dominate. Without the threat downlow the Maryland offense is Greivas Vasquez hoisting up threes and talking shit.


2) Hank Thorns is the next Nate Robinson.


1) The team that vomits the most wins. That's right, it wasn't one of those damn turtleheads that creeps out, checks out what's going on and then goes back in his hole that decided this game. It was upchuck, son. Well it didn't really decide the game, but with less than a minute left in the first half, Virginia Tech freshman Dorzeno Hudson puked all over the floor while a Maryland player was shooting free throws. From that point on, I knew Tech was golden. Only real ballers throw up. See Rod Strickland + chili dogs = vomit.

Who Ya Got?

In honor of the NBA trade deadline we bring you "Who Ya Got?":

ESPN NBA analyst/orange talking head, Rich Bucher

or

Computer-animated talking head from "New Coke" commercials, his own T.V. show and various videos, Max Headroom.

We here at "Made 'em Jump Like Rod Strickland" are having a heated debate over which robot-esque individual is more life like. Headroom has the early lead but Bucher has the better Tan...so he's got that going for him.
(Ed note: Please ignore Mike Tirico - but not for too long, because he will destroy you.)

Gangsta, Gangsta

C-Webb - The Pride of the Ghost of Bullets Past



This being a Chocolate City-based blog, we'd be remised if we didn't post this video. This, of course, is the single off his debut - and thank the U-G-O-D only - album "2 Much Drama". The song, as you may have surmised is called "Gangsta, Gangsta (How U Do It)".

The only redeemable thing about this video is that Ghostface Killah (aka Pretty Tony aka Wally Champ aka Paisley Fontaine) makes a cameo. Well...actually...on second thought...Besides this being a "D.C." blog...our blog name is also a reference to "Triumph" by the Wu-Tang Clan. Not sure why Ghostface would lend his pretty mug to this video...it hurts his street cred...the only thing "gangsta" about this video is that the dancing chicks are dressed as some official office bitches...except they're office bitches with their stomachs showing and razor blades in their mouths...cause they'll cut a brotha...

I take that back, there are two good things in this video...the other being a guy doing "the Kid n' Play" dance...SOLO..."Nay" you say, "Tis impossible". If Gil's shoe sponsor has taught us anything, it's "Impossible is Nothing".

That being said, I can assure that Raekwon the Chef is turning over in his grave right now...if, of course, he was actually dead...

Big ups to The WIZZNUTZZ for finding this video.

Yours in drinking champagne of the stomach of a bad office bitch,
Agent Zero

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Not quite Auburn Palace

We know this happened a few days ago...but we couldn't forgive ourselves if we didn't mention the brawl that broke out after the Memphis vs. UAB game this past Saturday. The picture below is mesmerizing for many reasons, not the least of which is a kid in a sleeveless orange hunting shirt getting slapped in the face by a disembodied hand of some Memphis player (right side of pic). Other sites have entertaining break-downs, but we here at "Made 'Em Jump like Rod Strickland" are fascinated for an entirely personal reason....


The namesake of this blog, the great Mr. Rod Strickland happened to be involved. I know what your thinking: "but I don't see Chico DeBarge anywhere in the crowd!" That dear readers, is exactly why this picture is so fascinating to us: Rod is nowhere to be found. By all accounts he acted as a peace maker during the fracas. We attribute his apparent placid nature to a full stomach of half-smokes and a rasta-sized blizzies.

...Guaranteed to make 'em jump like Rod Strickland. One.

Monday, February 18, 2008

This Man Knows Danson and Dancing


That's right. It's the moment we've all been waiting for. Multiple blogs are reporting that Steve Guttenberg (think "Three Men and A Baby," not 1400's printing press guy) will be a contestant on the next season of "Dancing With The Stars." There's no official word yet, but as many of the heads who post on this site would say... "tanfastic."

Update: Today, the cast of "Dancing with the Stars" was officially released. And confirming what we reported yesterday, Guttenberg is on board. When asked for comment he could only say "I feel like Danson, Ted Danson the night away." Not really, but that would've been cool.

Oh, it was the other Newman who won Daytona?


Well, apparently it was Ryan Newman, driving the 12 car that took home the checkered flag at Daytona. I was hoping it was Newman... Newman, driving a mail truck loaded with plastic bottles. Anyway, most people considered it a fairly boring race. It wasn't a Gibbs/Hendrick showdown as many anticipated, there was no major wrecks and Tony Stewart didn't punch, or eat, a Busch brother. Anyway, hopefully the next time a Newman wins in the Sprint Cup it will be a Paul (great salad dressing), Randy (I agree with your loving LA policy, I don't agree with your hatred for short people) or Hello... Newman.

Boner Jams '08



The day most American males have been waiting for since - well...it wasn't super creepy to start leering at her - has finally arrived...

L.L. Cool Boobicals has finally decided that it was a good time to jump start her floundering career by showing the world her freckled wonders...and not just some sweet slip up at a club...this is the real thing...the stuff dreams and porn mixtapes are made of...

While some may have decried that today marks
"The Day the Internet Died" (NSFW), I am here to tell you that today is, in fact, the most joyous day...ever...

I would write more about this, but unlike 98% of the rest of the universe, I'm stuck at work and have reached my daily quota of typing the word "boobical" without getting fired...

So consider this little golden nugget of greatness my Presidents' Day present to you, my adoring fans and well wishers.

Yours in future Presidential aspirations,
Agent Beero

Friday, February 15, 2008

Made 'em Jump Photo of the Day Presents -

Unintentional Hilarity and Stereotypes Abound



Everybody's second favorite crazy mayor (Mayor For Life - Marion Barry - will always hold that special top spot in our hearts), The Honorable Ray Nagin recently decided it was a good idea to brandish an automatic weapon and point it at the New Orleans Police Commissioner.

The only thing keeping this from being a promotional photo from the new "Rambo" movie is that, unlike most of the guns Rambo and I own, there are no grenade launchers attached to the barrel.

Sweet Jebus. He had to of known this wasn't going to turn out well. And unlike our beloved Mayor For Life, he can't use the catch all excuse of "The bitch set me up."

This is Agent Beero reminding you, "Why shoulder the weapon when you can shoot from the hip."

Thursday, February 14, 2008

The Daytona 500 - The Working Poor's Super Bowl

I don't know much about NASCAR. Basically I know that the majority of people who show up to races look like more like this than...well...I couldn't find any good examples of hot chicks who are NASCAR fans to compare that picture to. I also know that one of my roommates in college would make two trays of mini-pigs in a blanket for himself on race day and only drink Budweiser during the race because it "helps Junior win."

So because of my lack of knowledge, I'm going to leave it up to 58 other C through R level "celebs" to make the predictions...starting, of course, with Mr. Chuckles Von Norris...


"Kevin Harvick because he's the defending Daytona 500 champ, and he likes Mike Huckabee."

To see the rest of the predictions, check this out.

Attica! Attica! Attica!



If OJ can get away with murder, why can't these girls pretend to dyke it out?? I know these chicks know what I'm talking about.

As the good folks at With Leather
told you on Monday, a bunch of the Sac-Town "Kangs" dancers got busted for slutting it up in some pictures that showed up on that there interweb.

Now those commi-Nazi Maloof Bros. who own the "Kangs" - along with places like The Palms Casino in Vegas - and their minions are putting the kibosh on this good natured, wholesome, American fun.

Maloof Sports and Entertainment Business Communications Manager Jaime Morse Mills issued a brief statement, saying the pictures were published without the knowledge or permission of the dance team members or the organization. "(The pictures) do not adhere to the principles and values of the Sacramento Kings organization," Mills stated.

What the fuck??? You are you kidding, right??? "Principles and values"?? It's the fucking Kings...they count Ron Artest - one of the worst humans ever - as a member of their roster. I'm not saying he is an awful person because of "the brawl". Nope, that was just good ol' fashioned tomfoolery. I loathe Artest because he considers himself an "artist" and released a "record" in 2006 called "My World". Possibly the worst album ever released. Case in point..track number six is titled "Butt Fever". If this isn't the anthem for life on The Down Low, I don't know what is.

This has to be one of the worst conceived ideas ever...and for those of you who cluck your tongues and stroke your beards and say "But what of Don Johnson's 1986 debut album?" I say to you this, listen to the opening track "Heartbeat" on the album of the same name and try to tell me your heart doesn't flutter for long lost lovers and loves that were meant to be but never were...

Wherever there is injustice, you will find me...Wherever there is suffering, I'll be there...Wherever liberty is threatened, you will find...
- Agent Beero

Is Richard Jefferson goin' have to choke a bitch?

"You rap like you should be on the back of a motorcycle" - Common


While browsing through TMZ this morning, I came across this little gem. RJ in an "altercation." I quoted altercation because I use that term very loosely.

From TMZ:
According to the report, the New Jersey Nets star left the club, and then encountered the witness, who asked Jefferson to remain until the disagreement was sorted out. The witness says Jefferson responded, "Say another word, I will kick your ass."

Minnesota has a lot of weird regional vernacular, like calling water fountains "bubblers" and calling soda "pop", so I guess when they say kick, they really mean "violate." My guess is this "altercation" actually happened a little more like the picture above.

Honestly though RJ, you were on top of another dude choking him? Really? Lover's quarrel perhaps? Maybe the involved patron forgot the safe word? No one will really ever know I guess. What I do know however is that if I were a gigantic brotha in a club full of normal people, I would be mushing dudes' faces in at every opportunity instead of choking someone. I guess RJ went to the Brenda Haywood school of fighting.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Wiz/Clip Preview

For all of you who don't live in Washington -- things are not good in the nation's capital. We're still recovering from an ice storm, the crackheads downtown are getting restless and the Wiz are on their longest losing streak in six years. The last time they lost this much we were in the middle of the Michael Jordan-era, I was still in college and "Perfect Strangers" was still on heavy rotation on Nick at Night. If there's a chance to break the streak -- it's tonight in LA against the Clippers. I was online checking out their roster and a few quick observations:

1) Sam Cassell looks like an alien.





2) Dan Dickau is still in the league? Man, his wife is hot.

3) Cuttino Mobley went to Rhode Island?

4) They have a super hot dancer featured on their Web site right now.

Anyway, maybe not the most in-depth or "professional" analysis, but how are you going to argue any of those.


Balki Bartakamous

Sip, Sip, Sippin on some......HATE-O-RADE!



We here at "Made 'em Jump Like Rod Strickland" are prodigious lovers....just ask your mom, your sister and your grandma Tilly (no age-ism here...in either direction). Our insatiable libido is not limited solely to women. We also love: spicy garlic buffalo wings, High-Octane Budweiser and the occasional dwarf.



But like all things in the universe there must be a ying to our libido's yang; hence the introduction of this site's Kool-aid-ish grape drank that we call Hate-o-rade. Yesterday's Congressional Hearing on steriod use in baseball is an excellent place to start-off:
  1. Roger Clemens - The cro-magnon pictured above testified on the Hill yesterday regarding his alleged use of steriods. We think this picture is damning evidence of someone sticking something somewhere. We won't speculate on that, after all that's what the comments section is for...

  2. Rep. Henry Waxman - The California Congressman is said to be held in high esteem by his fellow elected officials due to his no nonsense attitude. We too hold him in high esteem, but for a very different reason: His uncanny resemblence to Batboy! We salute and respect all carnies, side-show freaks and house trained part-man, part-bats.

  3. Rusty Hardin - Excuse me? Your junk is what? Rusty? Better put that thing to use....after all, it is Valentine's Day. Cripes, what a cruel mother! Not to mention his reverence for the edicts of one Montgomery Burns: "Shave those sideburns Mattingly!" Apparently sideburns have no place in a Texas court-room.

  4. Brian McNamee - If you haven't clicked any other link, please click this one: Truth-teller. NUFF SAID!

In other unrelated Hate news:

This peckerhead essentially vetoed a trade between the Mavs and Nets that would have sent J-Kidd (the abused spouse) to the Mavs, in return for an assorted poo-poo platter. As a Wizards fan...I'm elated. I fully expect Agent Hiro to elaborate more on this later.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Everything You Could Want in a Picture...


...and so much, much more...

Apparently Mr. Gary Coleman, all 4'8" of him, got married to - if you went by this picture - the tallest woman in the world...or Rocky Dennis.

Other observations from looking at this picture:
  1. They were married on Mars. This could explain the grotesque appearance of the bride...not so much the freakishness of G.C.
  2. After using a slide rule, a protractor, and my TI 83 calculator I have determined that the exposed surface - in cubits - of the blushing bride's gums is equal to Gary's height when converted into the volume of space in those widdle bubby wubby cheeks of his.
  3. Gary Coleman is old. He literally looks like a mini - albeit adorable - version of Rickey Henderson.


I didn't even mention all the really good quotes in the WWTD article about how Gary goes weeks without talking to his wife (obviously he is talking to her, it is just that sound only travels at 340.29 meters per second so it just takes a while for the words to get from his lips to her comically oversized ears) or how he gets mad and throws things at her. Again, not Gary's fault he's just so short that...well...you get the picture...the mother fucker is short. I'll leave it at that as to not offend parts of our constituency...bless their iddy biddy widdle hearts...

Yours in the resplendent glory of being 5'10"ish...
Agent Beero

8, not so fuckin' great.....

"Filthy's the word that best describes me, I'm just grindin' man, ya'll never mind me." - Malice of The Clipse


Jesus Christ, 8 in a row. I think a small part of me died last night. 72 in the first half, 23 pt lead, and we lose by a basket. Again. So yeah, we suited 9 again last night and it looks like everyone just ran out of energy on the second leg of a back to back road set. Blame the fatigue if you're logical, or if you're like me, you can just blame ref Jack Nies (and by association, his son Eric Nies) for the mysterious no calls when Deshawn was getting raped last night. Ugh, someone take my shoelaces away from me.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

Bitchassedness -- a very contagious disease that is out here in our community


No, that's not from Webster's. It's from the other authority on the English language... Diddy. I was unfamiliar with said condition until I was flipping through the channels and saw Diddy asking one of the members of "Making the Band IV" if they "had some bitchassedness" in them. I then became confused until Diddles explained that it was a very contagious disease that is out here in our community. I immediately went to the doctor. I'm expecting my "bitchassedness" test results on Friday. Keep your fingers crossed...

P.S. -- What happened to Chopper and Ness?

Potomac Primaries - Dark Horse Candidate


Today's "Potomac Primaries", as Maryland, D.C. and Virginia's presidential primaries have come to be collectively known, was jolted by a late entrant . Most political pundits (read: Idiots) had long since given the Republican and Democratic nods in all three contests to McCain and Obama respectively. What the bowtie and suspender set failed to recognize was the impact a magic midget, could have on voters at the polling stations.

Vikram Etherington Numbai of Miskokey or VENOM chose today's primaries as the ideal time to toss his wee-sized hat into the presidential race. Why, you may ask? Because no one can resist the raw sex appeal of a body-building, Indian midget with a handlebar mustache and blonde shag hair. The voting public must face the facts: resistence is futile!

I for one welcome the soon-to-be next President of the United States. Venom's presidency promises to usher in a new era of equality for those of us who have been repressed due to unbridled sexiness. Hail to the Chief!

(Ed Note: Cobra Commander is expected to be named as VENOM's running mate as early as tomorrow.)

Some Culture for Dat Ass


Usually I don't support any sort of refined culture, book learnin', reading of anything other than "Hey yo! Look who's got a remedy for jock itch" (yes that was a Home Improvement reference and yes I'm okay with that) or anything that doesn't involve Diggy and Russy selling their stuff at a yard sale...

...but this is kinda dope. The National Portrait Gallery - the same folks who brought you this - now bring you the only portrait exhibit that can even remotely be refered to as "gangster". I do, however, admit that the exhibit may have the least awesome name ever. It's up there with ABC's "Coolin' at The Playground Ya Know!"

The exhibit also includes paintings of Grand Master Flash and the Furios 5, Ladies Love Cool James, and Ice-T. Unfortunately there are no portraits of Ice-T's baddest bitch Coco.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Absentee Ballot: Catching up on the Week in Sports

"I hate so much about the things you choose to be" - Michael Scott, unintentionally summarizing my feelings on Mexican Soccer


I know I know, I've been slacking like a mu'fucker lately. But hey, as my nephew would say, someone's gotta pay the bills. Well, someone's gotta pay them until I marry Rachel Bilson, but that's neither here nor there. Seriously though, I don't write a post in a week, and Agent Beero tries the internet equivalent of changing the locks on me. Can't get too mad about that though, since Rod Strickland is the NBA equivalent to God. You think God and Rod rhyming is a coincidence? Think again heathen. He's like God, if God were cool enough to hang out with Chico DeBarge. So since I've been gone for ten days, let's catch up on the three biggest thing in the past week in sports. Well, in my world of sports.

1) Your new Redskins coach.....JIM ZORN!!!!

Don't even get me started. To quote myself, when I saw this on the TV at our local watering hole on Saturday night, I turned to Agent Gyro and Agent Beero, muttered "I'm too drunk to talk about this", stumbled out, caught a cab and went home and passed out. This was at 11 pm. I'm not going to make a ludicrous statement and say I won't start drinking HOBs at 2 pm again during our weekly round of golf, but let's just say it's not a good idea if you're planning on going out/living past 11 pm. Also, just a reminder to the guy serving us beers in the clubhouse: Don't egg me on. I will drink everything you put in front of me. You've been warned. As far as the new head coach, the only way I can be genuinely happy about this, is if Jim's illegitimate lovechild Charlie Zorn is named as our new WR coach.

2) The Wiz are on a 7 game losing streak.

I watched last night's WAS/PHX game on ESPN last night (Those assholes at Cox don't give us CSNHD, so if I ever want to see my adopted family in HD, I have to watch it on ESPN) and I swear to God, we need to engineer a way to get Phil and Buck doing the national broadcasts. Those retards on ESPN last night must have mentioned about 76 times that this was not "the full Suns squad" playing out there. Lots of "Marion's already gone, Shaq is still sidelined" talk, and about how impressive they were looking. HEY FUCK FACES. WE STARTED ROGER MASON JR. Yes, the same Roger Mason Jr. who was the Wiz's honorary white guy until Songaila was healthy last season. If you went to high school with Chelsea Clinton and then after that, attended a university where they wear ties to football games, I'm pretty sure you're the whitest thing on the 06-07 Wiz roster. Seriously, I think I heard 1 mention of how the Wiz were without Gil, Tough Juice and Antonio. Just so everyone knows, our starting five looked like this last night:

1 - Mr. 50
2 - Honorary White Guy
3 - Who Blatche'd Ya
4 - Jamison
5 - Hey Hey Haywood

That left Sexy Oleksiy, Nick "Gunner" Young, Songaila and Dominic McGuire on the bench. We dressed 9 players, played without our two best players and our third best guard and we still only lost to one of the best Western teams by 1. Things are pretty bad right now. Could be a lot worse.

3) US Soccer draws with ungrateful red headed step brother.

In North America's version of El Clasico, US hosted Mexico in an international friendly last Wednesday. 2-2 draw, we was robbed. "Deuce" deuced on three defenders to score a ridiculous solo effort for our third, only for that to be called back due to some made up off sides rule. Assholes. Haters. Call them what you will, I call them Mexicans. I could go on for 19 more pages on rants about Mexican soccer, but for the reader's sake, I'll condense it to this short list:

  • El Tricolores is the nickname for the Mexico national team. Translation: the three colors. Pretty dumb. However, when you look at the rest of the world and their nicknames, I guess it's fitting. Les Bleus is pretty gay, but you expect nothing less from the French. Azzurri sounds pretty greasy, so I guess that's fitting for the Italians. Summary? France is gay, Italy is greasy and Mexico is dumb. Exactly how my geography professor put it.
  • Rafa Marquez may have earned himself a spot on my "List of 10 people I would kill in a consequence free world." He's right behind Chris Collins, Wojo, Wizards era Michael Jordan, Paul Pierce, and just in front of Jose Mourinho, Michael Irvin and three future Duke basketball players to be named later.
  • The fiscal upside to having a US Mexico game close to the border: You can save thousands of dollars in parking services, not because you switched car insurance, but because most of the 70,000 fans will show up in 7 cars.
  • Hey FIFA Fuckheads, when the US plays Mexico, instead of pulling the officiating crew from somewhere in Central America, or another South American country of Mexican descent, how about you use a completely neutral crew from Asia or Europe? I'm tired of seeing Mexicans dress up as El Salvadorians, fake a couple of passports and pass themselves off as neutral refs. If we're gonna keep doing that, let's save a couple dollars and just get some day laborers from a 7-11 in Herndon.
Great, now it's 6:30, and I'm all fired up about some US Mexico ish. Looks like another HOB induced sleep for me tonight bishes.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

Who Ya Got?



One is 74-year NBA veteran who has played in every post-season since 1982. The other stars in this weekend's No. 2 movie at the box office, "Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins." So who ya' got... "Big Shot" Bob Horry or Mike Epps.

Made 'em Jump - Photo of the Day



To keep with today's theme of being straight gangster, I give you this photo...The Wire's Marlo Stanfield, looking about as thug as thug can be. Not to get too preachy, but The Wire is by far the best drama on TV right now. And Marlo is - without a doubt - the most gangster individual (real or fictional) ever...

1,2, 1,2, yo check this out, it's the jump off right now...


I want everybody, to put your work down, put your guns down
And report to the pit, the gravel pit
Leave your problems at home, leave your children at home
We gon' take it back underground, I be Bobby Boulders
Wu-Tang Clan on yo' mind one time
It's the jump off, so just jump off...

-Gravel Pit, The Wu-Tang Clan

That's right folks, we've officially launched "Made 'em Jump Like Rod Strickland". Everything posted before this entry was from our first, aborted attempt at a blog "Sid B.R.E.A.M. (Blogs Rule Everything Around Me)"...

Now that we've ironed out a few issues, come up with a slightly easier blog name to type, and hired a crack legal team to defend us we are ready for prime time.

So from this point on, Made 'em Jump will be your number one source for Wu-Tang, the Wizards, celebrity retardedness, and assorted pointless news. We thank you for trusting us and bring us into your homes or offices each day to provide you with the news you need. And as a way of saying "thank you" for that trust, we will take all the money and guns you have in your safe and knock up your of-age hot daughters.

So...welcome to the family...it's going to be one hell of a stabby relationship.

Agent Beero

Rex, Rex, It's Time to Have Sex


American model, actor, television personality, statesman, former porn star, and rapper Simon Rex (who has actually held all of those aforementioned "jobs" but one - hint, its not not porn star) made the mistake of being caught smooching with Paris Hilton.

For the most part, I could care less about Simon-to-the-Rex. I will admit, however, that he had one of the best "Cribs" episodes ever. His house, literally, was on par with some of the hovels I work near in the South East area of Chocolate City. On the other hand, we have Paris Hilton and her wonky eye. I mean, seriously...when she is having threesomes, do the dudes get confused who she is looking at because her eyes are looking at both dude's taints at the same time?

Even if I didn't already have gonorrhea, I wouldn't touch her...wait a minute...who am I kidding...

Kirsten Dunst Checks Into Rehab on Non-Chomper Related Issue


Everyone's favorite busted grill has checked herself into rehab, not to get her teetheses fixed as one would probably venture to guess, but because apparently she can't handle her booze.

First of all...how embarrassing...it's alcohol, man up and drink 800 beers like the rest of us - in the quiet dignity of your efficiency apartment watching "Can't Hardly Wait" 37 times on a loop. Second of all...Sweet Jebus, why would you ever want to stop drinking? Booze is the only thing that makes life and ugly people tolerable. Finally, 975% of the people in your "craft" have some sort of alcohol problem. But do you see Corbin Bernsen going to rehab? No...in fact...well...you don't really see him at all. Maybe someone should check on him to make sure he isn't passed out on his back so he doesn't choke on his own vomit.

Be a man - or in this case a kind of creepy looking saggy boobicled woman - and buy Tommy Gavin's book "I Drink Paint Thinner" on how to become a functioning alcoholic.

Regulators…mount up.

Agent Beero

Jessica Alba Beero Breaks Up With Boyfriend, Comes Crawling Back to Me...



It appears as though my ex has had a change of heart and has left her good for nothing boyfriend. She stopped by my luxury single family home in the hills outside the city last night, begging for me to take her back.

After much soul searching and gnashing of teeth - and against my better judgement - I've decided to take her back and make an honest woman out of her.

By the by, we're registered at Bed, Bath, & Beyond and MVC.

Yours in wedded bliss and eventually bitter divorce,
Agent Beero

Thank You Big Baby Jesus!!!


Other than the day I got a call back for a guest spot on "227" as Jackee's love interest (damn you Carl Anthony Payne II), I have never been more elated about a potential tv or movie related happening.

My insider Hollywood sources (e.g. other blogs) are telling me that a movie version of "Arrested Development" is in the works!

Sweet day of days...Pack up the frozen banana stand, pawn the segway, cancel your membership in the magician's guild...the Bluth's are back, and they're out for blood.

He's Gayer Than a Handbag Full of Rainbows



Obviously there is only one thing to say, "Blessed screaming Jesus on a whole-wheat goddamn cracker."

This picture of Wyclef Jean is creepy on so many levels.

  1. Jean is holding dolls.
  2. Jean is holding dolls.
  3. SHe is dressed like some sort of Puma sponsored priest
  4. SHe appears to be flicking of the camera with HEr left hand, almost as if saying, "Fuck you. I'm creepy. I know it. I love boys, what of it??

Emmitt Smith, are you smarter than a fifth grader?

Absolutely not. Hilarious video from The Jimmy Kimmel Show the other night. Sound quality is shitty. Comedic quality is top notch.



Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

Super Bowl XLII Predictions: Everyone Loses



Being the member of this holy triumvirate of bloggers with the most football acumen - I have two days of high school football under my belt (freshman football mind you, but that is neither here nor there) - I feel it is my duty to pass along my predictions for le Super Bowl.

First of all, there will be no winners in this game. I hate the Pats. I hate Tom Brady. I hate Teddy Bruschetta. I hate Adam Vinatieri (mostly because I wasted a 4th round fantasy football pick on him). I hate New England - except for Boston and any small hamlet that is responsible for maple syrup production. But I do love me some Randy "Straight Cash, Homey" Moss. As for those turds from the Meadowlands, the only thing going for them is that they actually play their games in the blessed state of New Jersey - unquestionably the greatest state in this fine Union of ours. Save for the Mets and their backers, I hate all New York fans, be they Yankee, Giants, Rangers, Islanders, Knickerbockers, or Liberty. There is nothing redeemable about those douche bags. They are, hands down, the worst fans ever.

Another reason that, despite the final score, no one will win this game: each of the teams sports a giant turd of a player. The Pats (by the way, I think it is hilarious that the Patriots share a name with an androgynous - and not in a good way like Liam Gallagher - character..."Pat" of Saturday Night Live fame)...have Laurence Maroney, a world class butt nugget. The kind of guy I would stab, if I wasn't so afraid of him. And the Lil' Gigantes have Osi Umenyiora, who we learned recently, "came to drop bombs".

So I know what you're saying..."give us your pick so we can start laying bets based on your learned ways and keen insights"...so here it is...With out a doubt, the final score will be:


  • Pats - 0


  • Lil' Gigantes - 0


  • Notre Dame - 476


  • Brady Quinn - 4 Heismans, 3 BCS National Championships, 2 of the most sculpted pecs ever, and 1 golden arm


  • Yours in devout Catholicism,
    Agent Beero

    Two Dope Boyz in a Cadillac.....

    "I'm in New York at the Puerto Rican day parade, then at night I'm in New Orleans drinkin hand grenades." - Ludacris



    And when I say Cadillac, I mean All-Star game. Congrats to Tough Juice and Twan for getting named to the Eastern Conference All-Star reserves. Maybe while they're in the Big Easy, they can throw down a couple Heinekens with this guy above. Here's the list of the full teams. And thank God Tracy McGrady didn't get voted in, otherwise he would've put himself on front street for being a bitch. Oh wait, he already did that. Apparently the only safe place to hang out these days is on the Rockets injury report.

    In other All-Star news, I will not be watching the dunk contest, partially as a boycott for the Igoudala robbery two years ago, mostly because the NBA took Jamario Moon over Nick Young this year. At least the Wiz will win the NBA All-Star unofficial gangster ass tattoo contest. I taught my 2 year old nephew how to do the "I can't feel my face" dance last week, now all I have to do is sneak him off to the tattoo parlor when my sister isn't looking.

    Yours in blood,
    Agent Hiro

    He's Back... And He's Wearing A Cowboy Hat


    For all of you who miss Bobby Brown's reality show "Being Bobby Brown" as much as I do, you're in luck. Bobby is one several "musicians" who is featured on "Gone Country," a new show on CMT. I had no idea it was on until I was flipping through the channels and saw Bobby in a cowboy hat and Dee Snider of "Twisted Sister" chatting it up. Originally I thought it was a buddy cop show (what an awesome show that would be). Anyway, I recommend watching. Hopefully Bobby will pick doo doo out of someone's butt, like he did Whitney's.

    He's Back... And He's Wearing A Cowboy Hat


    For all of you who miss Bobby Brown's reality show "Being Bobby Brown" as much as I do, you're in luck. Bobby is one several "musicians" who is featured on "Gone Country," a new show on CMT. I had no idea it was on until I was flipping through the channels and saw Bobby in a cowboy hat and Dee Snider of "Twisted Sister" chatting it up. Originally I thought it was a buddy cop show (what an awesome show that would be). Anyway, I recommend watching. Hopefully Bobby will pick doo doo out of someone's butt, like he did Whitney's.

    Juan Dick-son: Traitor

    "You Canadians are all the same, with your beady little eyes and your flapping jaws...." - Sheila Broflovski


    Well, the Wiz got the crap kicked out of them last night, but I'll place most of the blame on the Benedict Arnold of College Park: Juan Dixon

    Reasons to like Juan Dixon:

    1) 35 points in game 4 of 2005 first round series vs. the Bulls

    Reasons not to like Juan Dixon:

    1) First productive game since leaving the Wiz was last night vs. the Wiz
    2) Played at Maryland
    3) Lived in Maryland
    4) What could be worse than living in Maryland? Living in America Jr.
    5) He played for this retard in college
    6) He aligns himself with Didier Drogba type characters
    7) No longer a Wizard

    For real though, I heard on last night's broadcast that Juan was expecting a baby, so congratulations to him. Oddly enough though, I tuned into the Cleveland/Portland game last night, and noticed that Stevie Blake did not show any visible baby bump under his jersey, so those two lovebirds must still be in their first trimester.

    On a side note, Queen James last night was quite ridiculous in that game. 37 and 14 including dropping 3 3 pointers in the last two minutes that touched zero rim, as well as the game winner with only .3 left on the clock. Regardless, he still travelled on the game 3 winner from the first round series in 2006. David Stern, I demand we replay those last 8 seconds.

    Yours in blood,
    Agent Hiro

    Whose House? My House...



    ...well it will be if someone with $5,499,987 wants to team up with my $13 and buy the eponymous "Run's House.

    That's right Rev. Run is selling his house for a cool $5.5 million.

    I have the above mentioned $13 to put towards the house, along with a solid collection of the last 4 years of Esquire and my lifetime seat in the greatest fantasy football league of all time. Who's with me????

    By the by, I call Diggy's room.

    Your humble servant,
    Blogmaster B

    Wed. Night Hoops Notes

    Tonight won't be as good as last night as far as basketball on television (The Wiz, Mason and Virginia Tech all won). However, the Wiz are in action again against the Raptors -- this time in Canada. Our sources (I heard it on television) say Caron is doubtful. Not to worry -- The Wiz pulled out an OT win last night even without Juice. The good news -- because the game is in Canada the Raptors are starting Avril Lavigne at the point and the brontosaurus from "The Land Before Time" in place of Bosh. Even if the Wiz lose, they still win. They get to come back to the U.S. The Raptors have to stay in Canada. Ouch...

    Sid B.R.E.A.M.'s photo of the day...

    This photo, courtesy of our good friends at may be the singular greatest mugshot ever taken. Well, it at least put's Nick Nolte and James Brown's to shame...

    Apparently, this dude pulled out his false teeth and - thanks to his extremely rubbery face - graced us with this gem...

    UGH, UGH, UGH...


    UGH...

    Even though she is dead to me (that happened the minute she got locked down by that turd boyfriend of hers and saddled with a bun in the oven and inevitable stretch marks), I held out hope...

    Hope that Jessica Alba Beero would have a girl...so that one day (e.g. 18 years from this May or June), I could run into her kid (Jessica Alba, Jr.) - God willing that JA,Jr. was hot like her momma - at a bar, work my magic, turn on some baby making music, and...well...the rest writes itself...

    But I've been burned again...the former Mrs. Jessica Alba Beero is preggers with a boy...

    File this under: "We never saw this coming..."

    This week's most shocking news: ESPN talking head and Washington Post columnist Michael Wilbon had a heart attack whilst in Arizona covering le "Big Game".

    Reasons why I never saw this coming:
    1.) He looks to be the picture of health
    2.) He rocks his shirts with the top button buttoned, sans tie - kinda creepy
    3.) He works in D.C. - where the life expectancy for males is 15.75 years
    4.) Stat Boy is literally 5 foot nothin' - this has absolutely nothing to do with the heart attack, it's just creepy to see him darting around on Metro's Red Line like some creepy troll with insanely gelled hair. Plus he's super Italian, and as we all know the only good Italian comes with three types of spicy meats, some mortadella cheese, and is topped with sweet peppers and oil & vinegar.

    I am a big fan of PTI, Wilbon, and Tony Kornheiser; so I wish Wilbon a speedy recovery - if only for the sole reason of keeping Skip Bayless from temporarily filling in for him.

    Agent Beero

    Tuesday Night Hoops Notes

    A few quick hoops notes from Tuesday night's games: First off, and most importantly, The Wiz are without Caron Butler. Apparently he will miss not only tonight's game, but also tomorrow night's as the result of an injury he suffered during Sunday night's overtime loss to the Bucks. Both tonight and tomorrow's games are against the Raptors -- not... too... good. Who Blatched Ya? started in his place tonight. Hopefully reverse mohawk goatees will result in rebounds. Also, on ESPN2 Mason takes on VCU. When teams from Virginia play each other, there are no real losers... except for UVa.

    Squeezing the Mind Grapes: NBA NCAA Alumni

    “Football is like rock and roll, it's just bam-bam-boo... And basketball is like jazz, you know? You're kind of... Dupee-doo, dupee-do. It's all downbeat, it's in the pocket, it's like...Dupee-do, dupee-do, dapee-dah...” – Michael Scott


    Squeezing the Mind Grapes” will be a weekly column where we dive into the hypothetical. Lots of hard thought out “what if” scenarios, for example what if my sister hadn’t introduced me to hard liquor at the age of 12? Well, we won’t use that one because that post would quickly deteriorate into a modern day Profiles in Courage with yours truly being the main character. And let’s be honest, I'm a more likable character when I’m taking the HOV lane to blackout country. With that said, let’s move on to the inaugural edition of “Squeezing the Mind Grapes.”

    Recently, a friend of mine who works in college sports forwarded me an article from scout.com where they rank the top 12 NFL Alumni teams by college. The article only takes players currently playing in the NFL, which is different than the dead horse that is the “All-Time Roster” comparisons that ESPN has been beating for the last five years. Whether it’s ranked by combined felonies and misdemeanors or by straight up talent, the U ran away with this one. Clearly the only reason my friend forwarded this to me is she is a U alumnus. I am forced to point out however, that she’s a Cowboys fan, so unfortunately for her that’s minus 33% in credibility. But in her defense, she’s pretty hot, so that’s plus 33% in credibility….let’s see…..carry the one…..take away the remainder….divide by pi…..fuck it, we’ll just call this one even.

    So after reading this, it got me thinking what if we did the same thing for the NBA? And that my friends, will be the first edition of S.t.M.G. Obviously we can’t go 12 teams deep in the NBA, as it’s a much smaller league with much smaller rosters, so I figured I’d do a pretenders group, and then a Final 4. Don’t like that format? As my homeboy Larry David would say, "Fuck Hugh."

    The Pretenders:

    Michigan State

    G – Jason Richardson (CHA)
    G – Charlie Bell (MIL)
    F – Zach Randolph (NYK)
    F – Morris Peterson (NO)
    C – Paul Davis (LAC)

    Bench: Maurice Ager (DAL), Shannon Brown (CLE), Eric Snow (CLE)

    You think from all the success that the Spartans have had in the last decade, that they’d be able to put up a better team than this. You’re dead wrong. Arguably their best player from this era, Mateen Cleaves was last seen playing for the Nets in a preseason game before getting waived. Randolph plays on the butt trifling Knicks, Mo Peterson is well past his prime and it’s never a good sign when Charlie Bell is one of the starting guards. Shannon Brown and Maurice Ager could be good eventually, but I think they’ll never fully regain their confidence after losing their last college game to a certain local hoops program that may or may not rhyme with Forge Grayson.

    Kentucky

    G – Rajon Rondo (BOS)
    G – Keith Bogans (ORL)
    F – Tayshaun Prince (DET)
    F – Antoine Walker (MIN)
    C – Jamaal Magloire (NJN)

    Bench: Derek Anderson (CHA), Nazr Mohammed (CHA), Chuck Hayes (HOU)

    Greasy ass Pitino and “the most famous light skin brotha in college basketball since Miles Simon” Tubby Smith certainly had their fair share of talent while coaching at Kentucky. It’s too bad none of their superstars their really ever panned out in the pros. Antoine Walker has never met a shot or home invasion he hasn’t liked, Walter McCarty’s high point of his career was being Jesus Shuttlesworth’s center at Lincoln, and most of the guys you would’ve thought to be well established professionals like Ron Mercer and Tony Delk are most likely making it rain with pesos in Tijuana right now.

    UCLA

    G – Baron Davis (GSW)
    G – Earl Watson (SEA)
    F – Jason Kapono (TOR)
    F – Aaron Afflalo (DET)
    C – Dan Gadzuric (MIL)

    Bench: Matt Barnes (GSW), Jordan Farmar (LAL), Ryan Hollins (CHA)

    Baron Davis is clearly the best here, but unfortunately he’ll never reach his potential because of injuries. I watched him play in the Capital Classic his senior year of high school (he was on the same squad as Gadzuric, who was fresh from Holland at that time) and the dude was a beast. I’ve never seen a guy his height fly through the lane and throw down 360 two handed dunks in traffic. His athleticism was off the charts, and I was really excited to see his game develop, but then he went to UCLA, blew out his knee and has never been the same player since. Don’t get me wrong, he’s ill, but had there never been a knee injury, this guy would be top 5 talent right now easy. At least his beard game is still strong to quite strong.

    Florida

    G – Jason Williams (MIA)
    G – Corey Brewer (MIN)
    F – Mike Miller (MEM)
    F – Joakim Noah (CHI)
    C – Al Horford (ATL)

    Bench: David Lee (NYK), Matt Bonner (SA), Udonis Haslem (MIA)

    Ugh, I can’t even believe I’m putting a Florida team in here. Florida’s biggest claims to fame as a state is the whole voting debacle in 2000, and being a permanent backdrop for the TV show Cops. No basketball history outside of the last 5 years, but they’ve run this shit for the past two so you know they’re going to have some talent in the L. We’ll use a point system for this squad. Mike Miller was one of the first white boys to publicly rock icicle sideburns, so +1 pt for that. David Lee beat out James “Flight” White in a HS dunk contest, so -5 for that (Worst rigged dunk contest ever. Worst than Nate Robinson winning over Igoudala two years ago. Youtube James White and you’ll see what I’m saying.) I put Jason Williams in here even though he got booted for puffing that kush, but hey, the man’s gangster as shit and he’s got “WHIT” tattooed on his right fingers and “EBOY” tattooed on left fingers so +5 for him. Noah, Horford, and Brewer knocked my school from the Final Four so a combined -543,667,932 pts. for them. Final score? -543,667,931 pts. Way to go retards.

    Texas

    G – Daniel Gibson (CLE)
    G – T.J. Ford (TOR)
    F – Kevin Durant (SEA)
    F – Lamarcus Aldridge (POR)
    C – Chris Mihm (LAL)

    Bench: Royal Ivey (MIL), Maurice Evans (ORL)

    This is a tough one, because in about 5 years this team could easily be in the top 3, just way too young right now. Kevin Durant will be a better player and playa’ than Greg Oden, you can mark my words. T.J. Ford could be much better if he could manage to keep his spine intact. I hate Daniel Gibson because there’s zero reason any grown man should allow himself to be referred to as “Boobie.” Aldridge is going to eventually pan out and be a big part of that Portland youth movement for years to come. Chris Mihm? Only superlative I can think of is he’s probably higher on the depth chart at this point than Kwame is and Mihm is hurt. Oh and Royal Ivey, I forgot to tell you something after you nailed that shot vs. the Wiz on Sunday in OT. FUCK YOU.

    Final 4

    #4 Duke

    G – Luol Deng (CHI)
    G – Corey Maggette (LAC)
    F – Carlos Boozer (UTA)
    F – Elton Brand (LAC)
    C – Shelden Williams (ATL)

    Bench: Chris Duhon (CHI), Shane Battier (HOU), Mike Dunleavy (IND), Grant Hill (PHX), J.J. Reddick(ulously gay) (ORL)

    The rankings for the Final 4 teams was very tough, because as you’ll see they all have tons of talent and depth on their rosters. Choosing #4 was probably the easiest choice though, and that’s because I hate Duke. Looking at their roster though, I will have to say that recently Duke has really recruited some top tier talent to their program. Up until the late 90s, and even into the early 2000s, Duke was notorious for having great college players and terrible or non existent pros. Prime examples: Christian Laettner, Bobby Hurley, William Avery and Trajan Langdon. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a handful of idiots that come out of Duke who either suck at life or make terrible decisions (I’m looking in your direction Jay Williams) but at least their more recent big names are becoming mediocre talent instead of becoming NBDL fodder. At the end of the day though, one thing is for certain. Duke is awful at life.

    #3 North Carolina

    G – Raymond Felton (CHA)
    G – Jerry Crackhouse (DAL)
    F – Vince Carter (NJN)
    F – Antawn Jamison (WAS)
    C – Rasheed Wallace (DET)

    Bench: Sean May (CHA), Brendan Haywood (WAS), Marvin Williams (ATL), Brandan Wright (GSW)

    Let the hate begin. I know of a certain friend of mine who will have a conniption when he sees I ranked UNC at 3. But let’s be real here, all I see in that roster is four starters who are in the twilight of their careers and a bunch of young guys that haven’t proven themselves. You know that Jamison’s my dude though simply because he plays for the BEST TEAM EVER. Felton is a good young PG, but he’s no Deron Williams or Chris Paul. Brendan Haywood has, as a friend of mine says, his wires crossed because he “has a soft heart and hard hands when he should have a hard heart and soft hands.” Truer words were never spoken. Unless someone said that Brenda’s (you see what I did right there, I left the N of his name, inferring that he’s a woman because he pulls hair in fights. +1 me) head looks like a Milk Dud, because it totally does. I think the rest of the young guys are going to be serviceable, but never a power player in the L.

    #2 Arizona

    G – Gilbert Arenas (WAS)
    G – Mike Bibby (SAC)
    F – Richard Jefferson (NJN)
    F – Andre Igoudala (PHL)
    C – Channing Frye (POR)

    Bench: Jason Terry (DAL), Luke Walton (LAL), Salim Stoudamire (ATL)

    Sweet Jesus talk about Guard University. Had it not been for Damon Stoudamire being waived last week he would’ve made this list too. By the by, how does a guy who was rookie of the year end up getting waived by a doo doo feces team in a very anti-climatic fashion? I’ll tell you how. This way. And this way. Well done Mighty Mouse. The more I think about it, the more I think that this school underachieves. They have TONS of talent in college but not many of the guys make it in the league. Remember who the best player on the 1997 Championship team was? Not Mike Bibby, but Miles Simon who I last saw wearing jorts with flip flops and socks watching an NBA game from the 400 level. Remember that 2001 team that lost to Duke in the championship game? All 5 starters were projected to be taken in the draft; Gilbert Arenas, Richard Jefferson, Jason Gardner, Michael Wright and Loren Woods. Only two still play in the league. And only one of them is cool. The other one is like that guy who you hang out with to make yourself look better. Still, they get the nod over Duke and UNC based on youth and Agent Zero.

    #1 UConn

    G – Ray Allen (BOS)
    G – Rip Hamilton (DET)
    F – Caron Butler (WAS)
    F – Rudy Gay (MEM)
    C – Emeka Okafor (CHA)

    Bench: Charlie Villanueva (TOR), Ben Gordon (CHI), Donyell Marshall (CLE), Josh Boone (NJN), Marcus Williams (NJN)

    Holy loaded roster. Perfect blend of vets and young guns, tons of depth on the bench and a Bullet and Bullet alumnus on the squad to top it off. Imagine how good this team would’ve been if the Chicago brass would’ve been smart enough to put pizzas on the rim to motivate fat ass Khalid El-Amin when they drafted him. Now where is he? Playing in Israel dodging RPGs on his way to the rim. Seriously though, look at that starting 5. No other team in this list can even hold a candle to that. I would probably take this UConn team over every pretender team combined. They do lose street cred because Ray Ray plays for the evil empire now and they do have a guy with the last name Gay, which no one can really take seriously in a testosterone filled environment like the NBA. Holy shit, that last sentence sounded like John Amaechi wrote it, so I'm out this bitch.

    Yours in blood,
    Agent Hiro.