Made 'em Jump Like Rod Strickland

Portrait of a Traitor

2009-10-27T13:27:00.002-04:00

"First off fuck your bitch and the clique you claim" - 2Pac

Seriously? I hate you. At least Bill Simmons and I somewhat settled our beef in the streets by agreeing on his NBA preview. Specifically #8.

Wiz kick of the season in Dallas tonight. Gonna be a bonerific season.

Shortest.
Season.
Preview.
Ever.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

In Other News...

2009-08-05T17:24:00.002-04:00

That's a huge bitch...

If There's 1 Thing That Can Make Us Forget Kwame.....

2009-05-19T17:03:00.008-04:00

"Either You're Slanging Crack Rock or You Got a Wicked Jump Shot"

- Christopher "B.I.G." Wallace

Former #1 overall, meet your replacement. Cake revenge is a bitch.

...It would be us getting awarded the #1 overall pick in tonight's NBA Draft Lottery. The Wiz have a 17.8% chance of getting the top pick, with butt trifling Sacramento getting a whopping 25% of the balls as a reward for managing to suck worse than we did. Which, in their defense, can't be easy. I'll keep it short today, because I refuse to speculate over who to draft when we don't even know where we'll be picking. Don't worry though, I'll be back to preview every possible scenario when the results of tonight's lottery are in, as well as take all the digs I can at that baby Lebron and his new coked up Nike commercial. Until then, as if you needed anything else to make you want Blake Griffin more, rest assured that he knows where all the paler fairer sex are:

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

A post a-boot HOCHEE?

2009-05-12T21:36:00.006-04:00

As our loyal readership knows (Hi Mom!) , the Brain Trust collectively resides in the greater Choco-bot City area. There are a number of major sports franchises to follow, but the most rabid fanbase belongs to the Caps. They have A LOT to cheer about right now:

- Ovechkin

- Saving Hockey

- Not wearing these

During the current Stanley Cup play-offs "Rock the Red" parties are everywhere, but probably most impressive is the devoted following from the ladies. Nevermind the fact that this website is obvioulsy a shameless marketing ploy and our boys are posing for glamour shot-esque photos - the more important takeaway is that these guys are gettin 'em wetter than a zamboni.

The photo above was taken immediately after game 6 - Ovechkin had to satisfy his needs.
On the other hand, Sid the Kid fulfilled his nickname, by calling Gary Glitter.

GET 'ER DONE CAPS. Game 7 tonight - look for a tight one....

PSYCH

2009-05-08T13:51:00.003-04:00

We always knew he was a good guy, who has the best interests of Wisconsites and wild animals at the forefront of his heart.....

Look at this smile - who could ever believe he would come back to screw over Packers fans?

Look at those beady little eyes - we're sure he had at least 2-3 full thoughts during the course of his life.

Gizzled Ol' Douche-Nozzle

2009-05-07T11:14:00.009-04:00

We ALL know he's coming back, so let's just prepare for the worst: the 24 hour Farve-a-thon that is ESPN; the media fawning and the annual Rachel Nichols vigil. Not to mention the endless, mindless, spineless praise he'll receive. The list of cliches used to describe Brett Farve over the years is long and nauseating. The popsicle mouth-massages have come from everywhere, most notably: Peter King, John Madden and this guy (literally). Let's examine a few that we are destined to hear a MILLION TIMES over the course of this summer:

"He's like a BIG KID out there..."

"He's a gun-slinger..."

"He LOVES the game of football..."

Let's address each shameless lie in order:

"Big-kid": Implies his disposition is innocent. Nothing could be farther from the truth. This guy is the most calculating, image whore this side of Alex Rodriguez. KSK did a superlative job of deconstructing this female-napkin.
"Gun-Slinger": if this is a euphemism for a brain-dead interception machine...then I have no complaint. If it so happens to mean something other than chucking 40 yrd lame ducks into double coverage, then may I please direct your attention to the following exhibits:

or this:

'Nuff Said

"LOVES the game of FOOTBALL": the only thing Farves loves is himself and a comfortable pair of WRANGLER JEANS....and possibly the other little nuances that make life in Hattiesburg Mississippi so delightful!

Farve is a pompus ass-hat, whose sole reason for returning to football AGAIN is to avenge the blow dealt to his ego by Packers GM Ted Thompson 2 summers ago when he said*:

"You know what Brett Farve? Go pound sand you fucking begrizzled ass-fister. This organization is bigger than you and your shitty denim. We've got Sir Schnozzola on the sidelines just waiting to drop bombs to Greg Jennings. You think you can hold a big city like Green Bay Wisconsin hostage? Well you can't - now go cut your lawn and look for the dignity you lost long ago."

And that's why Ted Thompson is an adjunct editor of this site. Good day to you sirs.

* Not anywhere close to what he said.

Bea still my beating....

2009-05-05T09:22:00.006-04:00

It took something seismic to stir the Brain Trust from its fitful slumber. We just woke-up from a terrible nightmare where Darius Songalia averaged 20 minutes per game and our beloved Boullesz won a whopping 19 games! What the shit? Are you fucking-me? (if your name is Megan Fox, hopefully the answer is "YES")

Well, at least we can still rely on the comedic stylings of Bea Arthur to get us through the next two weeks until the NBA draft. Ah, crap!

R.I.P. - Bea. You will be missed (particularly by Jeffrey Ross when roasting celebrities).

Look for a draft preview from The Agency sometime during the next two weeks. We still love the 'Zards and adding RedBone, would make us very happy.

You Know This Is Eddie, Not Michael, Right?

2008-11-24T10:01:00.006-05:00

"Hey, never mind what haters say, ignore 'em 'til they fade away/Amazin they ungrateful after all the game I gave away" - T.I.

Un-fucking-believable. I got an e-mail from a friend of mine this morning, and all it said was "Eddie got fired." I quickly shot back an e-mail explaining that we just signed this man to an extension, how the 1-10 start isn't his fault, how he's over achieved every year Gilbert's been hurt, and how it's impossible that the Wiz could be that stupid. Well. Here we are.

Clearly I've been emotionally sideswiped with this 1-10 start, and that's the best reason I can give for not posting since my plea to McGee to not be anoter steaming hot pile of shit of a draft pick (which he's not, he's actually pretty good, but that's for another post.) I'm pretty dumbfounded right now, but let's be honest, Eddie wasn't the problem. I've been reading the comments on the Post article I linked to, and people are saying it was his poor substitutions and lack of developing young talent that did him in. That's bullshit. You can't develop young talent if you don't have any. Who have we drafted since EJ's been here? Arvis Hayes, Steve Blake, Party John, Gat-a-Tat Blatche, Pech, Young, Mcguire and McGee. Jared Jeffries and Dixon came the year before he was hired. Look at those 11 names. Six of those guys are still on the team, 4 still on their original contracts, and most of them I wouldn't want to touch with a ten foot pole if they were free agents. The only reasonably promising ones in my book are McGee and Blatche, but that's under the assumption that Blatche can leave the hookers and whores alone, and that'll probably be proven to be a gross assumption. Jury's still out on Nick Young. If he can learn to shoot a normal jumper instead of wide open fade aways then maybe we can talk. The rest of them? Well, they rival the Calbert Cheaney, Gugliotta, LaBradford Smith, Tom Hammonds run of the late 80s/early 90s. Almost mirror them exactly in the sense that there was plenty of promise, absolutely zero production, and ultimately the biggest highlight is the hilariously akward antics of a white guy attempting to fit in with his teammates (Gugs/Pech.)

If I don't stop writing now, this will eventually turn into a 67 page short non fiction work on the shortcomings of the Washington Bullets franchise over the last 25 years. So, long story short, Wiz front office is filled with retards. I only know one person who has worked for that organization in the last decade, so Jerome, I'm blaming you for this. Ed Tappscott will be taking over for the interim. My head is going to explode.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

P.S. Thanks for the great seasons EJ. You made me proud to be a Wiz fan again and at the very least, made us one of the most entertaining teams in the league year after year. You didn't deserve this, but I hope you land on your feet somewhere. Unfortunately it won't be here.

Fuck You Chad Ford

2008-06-27T10:12:00.009-04:00

"Either you're slangin' crack rock or you got a wicked jump shot." - B.I.G.

So, it's been a couple months since I've posted. I've been committed at least a dozen times to try and cope with the Wiz's untimely exit from the playoffs, and after the 13th opinion on my psychiatric health, the state has deemed me healthy(-ish) enough to return to blogging. Well, not really. I just drowned my sorrows in an ocean of HOBs, Patron and Parliaments, from which I'm just surfacing now. Smelling awesome. Luckily I came up for air just in time for the greatest hood fashion show outside of the "ghetto prom" e-mail; the NBA Draft.

I'd imagine one of the hardest things to do as a sports journalist, is to create a mock draft that people can take seriously. Keep in mind I use that phrase sports journalism very loosely, as I'm about to talk about the one and only Chad Ford. I usually go visit the Chad Ford fueled espn.com mock drafts regularly, for nothing more than laughs. Remember, C-Fizzle was the guy who swore up and down that Darko was going to be better than Carmelo. (Does anyone else realize that Kwame and Darko are both on the Grizzlies now? That my friends, is what we in the biz refer to as the perfect storm . . . of awfulness.) Let's take a quick look at Ford's assessment of the Pistons pick after the 2003 draft:

Ford's Take: Darko is really one of a kind. He runs the floor, handles the ball, shoots the NBA 3 and plays with his back to the basket, so you can slot him in at the 3, 4 or 5 positions. OK, a few other guys can do that too; what sets Darko apart is his toughness in the post. You have to love a guy who has the footwork to spin by an opponent but still prefers to lower a shoulder and bang. Fact is, Milicic plays in attack-mode at both ends of the floor. The more you push, the more he pushes back. While he won't be asked to carry the Pistons, he's capable of doing this earlier than you think.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sweet Jesus, do I need to say anything else? I've never seen Darko do anything that remotely resembles:

1) Lowering a shoulder and banging
2) Spinning by an opponent
3) Toughness
4) Running the floor (in his defense, you have to be on the floor to run it.)
5) Playing any numerical position other than 11 or 12

Oh Chad Ford, you should really consider a career in comedy. You probably typed that entire paragraph without even cracking a smile. You're composure and dedication to the art of the punchline is an inspiration to us all. Wait, you were serious about that? That was . . . awkward.

So about a month ago, when mock draft 1.0 was published, I thought nothing of the fact that Ford had the greatest team this side of the Mississippi drafting some dude named Javale McGee. It frustrated me when he continued to project us taking McGee in mock drafts 2.0 - 4.0, and I even thought he was mailing it in since he hadn't changed his analysis of McGee in the first 4 predictions. Then last night happened, and the almighty Chad Ford flexed his prognosticating muscle when Fuhrer Stern stepped up to the podum and announced the Wiz had indeed drafted said Javale McGee.

I'll be honest, I don't know much about Javale McGee, except that the above picture scares me. He's got that Kwame Brown "I don't know what city/state/country I'm in" look about his face. NBADraft.net, which is usually a credible source has compared him to Andrew Bynum/Patrick O'Bryant. Spec-fucking-tacular. So he'll either be hurt for the whole season, or I'll have never heard of him. But since he'll be donning the blue and gold, we'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now. And, as always, the Made 'em Jump brain-trust has found multiple positives out of all of this:

A) He's not Roy Hibbert
B) He's neither Lopez (Robot or Sideshow Bob varieties)
C) He's neither Kwame or Kwameeri Brown
D) He doesn't look like DJ Qualls unlike a certain Sexy Oleksiy character
E) Our draft this year didn't look like this. Or this. And especially not this. That just cost me two weeks of nightmare free sleep.

Javale, Choco-bot city needs a big man, so let's hope you're going to be our guy. And hey, if you're not eating Popeye's 3 times a day, wearing suits once and throwing them out, or bringing your own french dressing to four star restaurants, you're already doing better than the Wiz's highest pick of the 21st century. I know the rookie bar is set high in DC, but we're all rooting for you.

In other draft news, the more things change, the more they stay the same. The Knicks continued their long standing tradition of disappointing their pissed off fans by drafting some Italian who's father played with D'Antoni in Italy. The Knicks fan responded in kind by continuing their longstanding tradition of booing and being assholes to anyone that'll listen. Michael Jordan continues to challenge Isiah Thomas as the biggest "player turned retard front office guy" by drafting an undersized point guard he doesn't need. It takes a special talent to undermine Raymond Felton's confidence and guarantee you're team will continue to be the only franchise to never make the playoffs all in one draft night move. Michael Jordan, I applaud you. And last but not least, Pat Riley sobered up and took Michael Beasley instead of OJ Mayo.

Since it's been so long, here's a couple other sports related tidbits from the last couple of months:

Euro 2008 finishes on Sunday with a Spain Germany final. Should get stabby. I've been saying for months that Furia Roja would break out of their half a decade international slump and take home the title. It's gonna take a huge effort to knock off the Aryan Nation, but I think they've got it in them. Especially with the 143 year old Luis Aragones manning the helm. OLD MAN STYLE SON.
Some one legged black guy in San Diego beat a bunch of white guys with a stick. Hate crime charges still pending.
Celtics win the NBA title. Boston rejoices. Bill Simmons suffers from priaprism. Rest of the country plots how to wipe Boston off the map.
Shawn Chacon chokes a bitch.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

While We Were Sleeping...

2008-06-23T20:17:00.004-04:00

Well, I'm going to take my turn at trying to resusitate this slowly dying blog. Well, "dying" may be a little too extreme -- let's just say it's on it's way back to Poochy's home planet. In all seriousness, I would say that the four of us have been busy trying to absorb what's been a great sports month before the duldrums of July, when the only thing on TV is Major League Baseball and reruns of Magnum PI. So let's recap some important things that have happened in the past week ish.

1) Some guy named Tiger Woods won the U.S. Open. Oh yea, he did it with a broken leg. I can't speak for the other three Made Em Jump Contributors, but I was pulling for Rocco Mediate, who forced Tiger to go 91 holes before claiming his third Open title. For me Rocco vs. Tiger would be like this Web site trying to compete with the D.C. Sports Bog or The Junkies when it comes to covering D.C. sports. Basically, there was no chance in hell. They have talent, we don't. They have thousands of adoring fans, we don't. And while they're getting legitimate access at events like Wizards games, we are in the 400 level, trying to look for people who left behind their Buck and Phil bobbleheads. That being said, Rocco gave a gutty effort. In fact, his performance propelled him to number three on our favorite golfers list behind Boo Weekley and John Daly. That's not a joke. It's funny, but not a joke.

2) It's the semi-finals of Euro 08 and there haven't been any major riots ... yet. All in all, it's been a great tournament. This Wednesday, Germany will take on Turkey in the first semi-final. Then, Thursday, Spain plays Russia. If I was a betting man, which I most certainly am, I would empty out the old 401k and bet it on Germany beating Turkey. The other final is slightly less clear, but I'll take Russia in extra time.

3) It hasn't happened yet, but Saturday the Wiz will get the 18th pick in the NBA draft. I've seen a lot of mock drafts that have the Wiz taking a variety of people from Robin Lopez to Roy Hibbert. Most people seem to have them taking a big man. Personally, I am hoping WVU's Joe Alexander falls to 18, however I doubt we'll be that luck.

4) In response to your emails, we have not seen any more pictures of Topanga making out with other chicks. We'll keep ya posted on that one.

What? Que? Ce Qui?.....She dates Who?

2008-06-10T21:23:00.004-04:00

That settles it....I'm asking for shin guards for my birthday.

The piece of premium "Grade A" British beef to your right is Abby Clancy. She dates English stork, goofball and dynamite dancer (see below) - Peter Crouch.

This post was sponsored by the lovely Chardonnay that I housed at dinner and the convo I had with Agent Beer-o on the hardwood last night (We had just finished hustling "Party John" Ramos and his latest NBDL team).

Ma'ma. Want to touch the heiney.....

The Giant Woman Will Devour Us All!!!

2008-06-10T08:28:00.007-04:00

Holy Crap...Man, Britney sure has gotten big...

ZING!

3/4 Boner Jam Steez

2008-06-10T08:12:00.003-04:00

Be still my beating heart...

It would be a 100% boner jam if Estelle Getty was there...but apparently suffering from dementia is a legit reason to skip out on public apperances and break my heart...

In other news, Blanche is still silly...

Breaking News - Germany Invades Poland....AGAIN

2008-06-08T14:07:00.004-04:00

UEFA Euro 2008 kicked-off yesterday in Basel, Switzerland. Much of Made 'Em Jump's readership (read: basement dwelling perverts), may not be aware of the Euro footy tourney. Well allow us to shed some light:

Occurs every four years similar to the World Cup

Consists entirely of European Nations

Sweet Nicknames: Les Blues, Clockwork Orange and the Faggy Ronaldos

and provides a cornucopia of drunken Euro Babe pics - Fah'kin Sweet Brah!

Not to mention the continental resentment for Germany's past transgressions (WWII, Holocaust, Falco and Haselhoff) comes bubbling to the surface. The Dutch hate the Germans, the Polish hate the Germans, the French hate the Germans and the Italians can't be bothered with anything but Young jerseys and massive amounts of gel in their collective hair.

The World Wide Leader is broadcasting games in high definition on ESPN2 and ESPN Classic for the duration of the tournament. If you are at all interested in soccer, but don't know too much about the game...use this feast of footy to pop your viewing cherry. You won't be disappointed.

The Wrath of Rider.

2008-05-28T13:13:00.006-04:00

On May 15, 2008, at 10:29 pm EST, your editors of Made 'Em Jump Like Rod Strickland made the gravest error of our careers.

A little context: It was nearly two weeks after the 'Zards exit from the playoffs. We were still a wee-bit salty, but had recovered to the point where we could actually oogle some biddies. The braintrust decided that it was time to start posting on this here blog again. We were all a tizzy trying decide what boneriffic material we should start with first. Lo and behold we stumble across some hot Topanga lesbo action. Since we all made man mustard to that nerdy vixen back in the day....we thought it was the perfect post to announce the rededication of Made 'Em Jump.

What we didn't count on was: the Wrath of Rider Strong.

Shorlty after we posted "Boner Jams '94" we received an e-mail from a reader of the blog praising our: vim and vigor, it was signed Mr. Feeney. We found this to be hilarious and began to correspond with said reader....little did we know that "reader" was actually a pissed-off Rider Strong. The e-mail communication provided Rider all the information he needed to track us down and before we knew it, he was beating on the doors of the Made 'Em Jump Mansion.

The picture you see above was taken after Rider Strong bit the nose off our butler (Caron). We were shook to say the least. Rider ranted, raved and rampaged until we asked why he was so pissed, turns out he has some hot homo pics of his own that he wanted us to post:

WE'RE BACK BITCHES! ....AND MUTHA-FUCK LE-BITCH!

Boner Jams '94

2008-05-15T22:29:00.002-04:00

Topanga was the big boobicaled nerd of all 13 year old boys' dreams...and now she has graduated to the dreams of 27 year olds...

Danielle Fishel aka Topanga aka Corey Matthews formerly banging girlfriend was recently photographed hooking up with some bias at a bar...way to be classy...I guess her Philly roots finally came through...

See, What had Happened Was....

2008-05-12T19:20:00.002-04:00

It's been 10 days since our beloved Boullez choked on a fat one. We actually got out of bed this morning and used toilet paper for the first time (ever).
Don't rush us...we promise to post soon. You don't want us to unleash a flood of digital tears: they're unsightly and extremely corrosive to your computers.

Caron-ic Kills

2008-05-01T12:20:00.007-04:00

"I'm the voice of this team and Antawn is the spiritual and emotional leader so unless you hear it from one of us, keep it moving." - Caron Butler managing to be professional and gully all at the same time.

What a road win. Gil shuts it down for the season an hour before tip, but that's all right because Caron put this team on his back for 32, 9 and 5 including the game winner on Lebron. Tough Juice came out and got hot right from the start, hitting everything, and I mean everything. Maybe his most impressive play of the game was pinning Wally on the sideline right in front of the scorer's table, taking a swipe at the ball and knocking it loose only for Wally to recover it, then sliding to the inside where Scerbs was turning to rip him again, taking the ball this time and sprinting down the open floor for the layup and the foul for the three point play. Maybe he did it for Abe Pollin, maybe he did it to prove you do your talking on the floor, or maybe he hit the game winner because of the fresh straw he was chewing, but regardless of the motivation, Caron led by example to bring the series back to the VC on Friday for game 6. You make a man proud to have you on our team Tough Juice.

Before I get carried away gushing over Caron's performance last night, let's take a moment to talk about the officiating of the game and the national media's (read: ESPN) near unhealthy obsession with Lebron. For anyone who's ever read a single post of mine, it's pretty damn clear that I am not a Lebron fan. As I've previously stated, while I respect the dude for his game and his unparalleled athleticism, I do not enjoy his constant bitching and moaning to the refs or the way he tries to act like the Wiz rivalry doesn't bother him when it clearly does. But after some long thought, I've realized that half of this isn't his fault. A good share of the blame needs to be put solely on ESPN and and TNT.

In next year's dictionary if you look up dick riding, you might see a picture of TNT's broadcasting crew. During that whole Songaila phantom punch incident (Which by the way was a result of them getting tangled up, not D-song taking a swing. Go here for the bulletsforever.com extensive breakdown. Nice work Pradamaster.), the TNT broadcast was all over it, saying Songaila should've been tossed for "throwing a punch." Before a replay is even shown, Albert is screaming "HE THREW A PUNCH AT HIM, HE'S GONE!!!!" It didn't really help out that Lebron was acting like he just got into a Kanye level car crash the way he was nursing that jaw. Then, when the refs give the old double tech to Deshawn and Sideshow Bob, ~~Cheryl~~ Reggie Miller starts questioning why Deshawn's hand was close enough to Varejao for him to slap it away. REALLY? You can get tech'd for invading a dude's personal space? So I'll go ahead and blame this one on the officiating for making the call from the privacy of Lebron's ass, and the broadcasters for being able to still talk with Lebron's dick so far down their throats.

Immediately after the game last night, I got online to see what ESPN.com had to say about the win. What am I greeted with on their front page when it loads? This bullshit. The Cavs lose a closeout game at home, Lebron misses the winner and that's the picture you put up on the front page? The only consolation to that is any Cavs fan who missed the game probably went on ESPN and immediately thought they had won. If you went to a non biased sports site, like say CBS Sportsline (who coincidentally host the greatest online fantasy football leagues ever), you'd be greeted with a front page that truly represents what happened. If ESPN's front page antics weren't enough, they let it infiltrate their formerly credible Daily Dime article, by listing Lebron as "Wednesday's Best." Caron put up nearly identical numbers, shot 50% from the field and hit the game winner, yet Lebron, who shot a sparkling 38% was the best of the night? Is this for real? So, in Lebron's defense (I can't believe I just typed that) a lot of my hate towards him has been generated by the media and officiating more than things he himself has done.

But enough with the hate. Let's all celebrate a legendary performance by the man they call Tough Juice, sit back, and enjoy the fact that the ride's still going and the train is coming back to DC. Unfortunately for myself, I'll be on a plane during game 6, off to the land of tight pants and weird haircuts (read: Europe) so I'm going to have to leave it in the hands of the rest of the Made 'em Jump braintrust to cover our eventual game 7 victory.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

P.S. Lebron even travels in commercials.

The Good, The Bad, and The Sad

2008-04-30T07:44:00.006-04:00

"Bradley was sweet and kind and generous with his time, a remarkably patient man who never seemed to lose his temper, even when he was entitled to lose it." - John Feinstein

THE GOOD

So the NFL draft was over the weekend. The Skins drafted a plethora of receiving talent including two top receiver prospects, the best TE in college football, and the punter of the year. However, I'd like to point out that their best pick for me was taking Colt Brennan at #182 overall in the sixth round. What's not to like about this guy? From a physical aspect, he looks like a character that would hang out in the lower cafeteria in my HS sticking kids up for their honey bun money, and let's be honest, that'll always be endearing to me. From a playing aspect, we're in need of a third string QB, he made it rain in Honolulu for three consecutive seasons, and he's practically made for the west coast offense. Finally, from a personal aspect, much like me, Brennan's taken on Hawaii as his adopted home state. So Colt, if you ever get terribly homesick for the islands while you're in the DMV, holla at your boy Agent Hiro and we can go grab some bento for lunch. Spam musabis > haole breakfast.

THE BAD

Remember in game 1 of the Wiz Cavs series where Lebron couldn't handle the hard fouls and retaliated against Blatche with an elbow to the face? Remember when the refs didn't do shit about it? Well, in their infinite wisdom, the NBA has assessed Lebron with a retroactive flagrant foul. So what does that mean for us? Absolutely nothing. If it had been correctly called during the game, it would've resulted in a free throw and possession. Instead, the NBA raises their hand, mutters "my bad" and apparently we just move on. Thanks dicks.

THE SAD

In some terribly sad news, soccer legend Gordon Bradley has passed away. A member of the national soccer hall of fame, Bradley will probably be remembered best for being a player coach of the Pele led NY Cosmos in the NASL in the '70s, coaching George Mason soccer for 16 years, and his color commentary work for DC United. As an avid soccer fan and George Mason alum, I'm pretty sad to hear this. I am however pretty happy to see that notable writers like John Feinstein have recognized how great of a man he was by writing a great piece on the NASL, Johan Cruyff and Gordon Bradley. Rest in peace Gordon.

Yours in somber blood,
Agent Hiro

Blow The Whistle.....Cause Lebron Travelled Again

2008-04-29T17:04:00.010-04:00

"Lil' Lebron gotta run to his pops/Like "Daddy, he was makin fun of the Roc"/What's next, he goin get a diss track from his mom/Is Beyonce gonna sing a track for Lebron?/This is on behalf of Deshawn/But for real though this is only half of the bomb" - Pro'verb

I'm furious over Game 4 on Sunday. The team looked flat throughout long stretches of the game, the crowd left a lot to be desired (with the notable exception of section 220, where Made 'em Jump threw more profanities at Queen James than there are in a Wu-Tang album) and we fucking lost. By 3. Who beat us? Conventional wisdom would lead you to think Lebron beat us, but knowing he can only beat us by taking 9 steps to the basket, he instead chose to let DMV native Delonte West hit the game winner.

Well, game 5 is in Cleveland tomorrow night, and once again, David Stern has shat on us with a 6 pm start time. Another sneaky sleight of hand move by Stern to tip the scales in Cleveland's favor, knowing full well that we here in DC have real jobs that at times require us to work past 6, where as the Cleveland retards get to leave work whenever their factory steam whistles blow or whenever Drew Carey tells them to. I guess this means we can now officially blame the decline of The Price is Right on Cleveland as well.

So, as I'm sure everyone has heard, Jay-Z decided to take time out of his busy schedule (being an active communist, mimicking Michael Jordan by returning for mediocrity instead of leaving on top, collagen lip injections every hour on the hour, running Def Jam into the ground) to write a rap about Deshawn Stevenson to the beat of "Blow the Whistle" which I find hilariously ironic. Jay-Z? Really? C'mon S Dot, the man's name is Lebron James not Lebron Carter. For real though, I thought Lebron has stated time and time again that there is no rivalry. If this is such a non issue to Lebron, then why did he have to bother HOV to do his dirty work for him? Not only that, if Cleveland really did have his back, some rapper from Cleveland would've come to his defense before he had to call in favors. That's how real cities do it. Although I've never heard of him, big ups to Pro'verb for repping the DMV hard. Unlike some other local establishment.

Just like everyone has been talking/writing about the newest rap/basketball feud, there's been a decent ammount of buzz surrounding Deshawn's flagrant on the Queen in game 4. Here's what LeBitch had to say about it:

"I definitely saw DeShawn coming but I didn't know that he hit me with a closed fist until one of my teammates told me. If we were on the park, something definitely would have escalated. If we was on the park where I grew up playing a lot of basketball, something would have happened. But I guess that's what they want to do. They want to hurt LeBron James. It's not going to work."

First of all, Deshawn's hand wasn't closed at any point. Yeah it was a hard foul, but if you're going to swing to try and block Lebron getting to the hole, you better swing hard. He was clearly swiping at the ball and caught Lebron in the head. It happens. Second of all, something would have escalated? Like what, have Jay-Z write a song about it? Third of all, who the fuck does he think he is talking in the third person, Deion Sanders? It actually wouldn't surprise me if that were his role model. That's the kind of behavior I expect out of someone who lets their 3 year old child listen to songs about supermanning hoes. And last but not least, "They want to hurt Lebron James. It's not going to work"? I'm pretty sure it looks like he's severely bruised his vagina everytime he's bitching to the refs about his non calls. He's like the Alberto Gilardino of the NBA with all this gay ass acting and diving. Don't say it's not gonna work if you're gonna act injured every time you're on the floor. That's gotta be some type of hypocrisy.

Seriously though, this whole feud has just gone way too far, and the only logical conclusion to it would be either a Wiz series victory, or Deshawn being charged with felony assault when he kicks the Queen's teeth down his throat. I'm smelling a lot of Bitchassedness being blown in off the southern shores of Lake Erie. Here's (hopefully) to a victory in game 5.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

The Terrorists Have Won

2008-04-28T16:39:00.005-04:00

Well...that's it boys...time to come home from Iraq and Afghanistan...no sense in fighting any more...the terrorists have won...those weasel commi-nazi pricks have managed to infiltrate the good ol' U.S. of A. with two of their most lethal karate ninja agents...

our only salvation lies in the hope that this Lincoln Memorial in this photo is actually one of those Olin Mills' backgrounds of the 1980s.

After some careful analysis, I am beginning to doubt the authenticity of this photo. Anyone who has ever been to Chocolate City knows that leaves on trees = 98 degrees (sans the Lachey bros.) and 95% humidity. Thus making Spencer's sweatshirt thoroughly implausible.

Holy Sweaty Man-Tits Batman

2008-04-28T10:05:00.005-04:00

In Other News:

Fuck you Sean Penn...

I called "dibs" on Sienna like three years ago. You've sexed your fair share of bad bitches...now it's time to share the wealth with established media moguls like us here at Made 'em Jump.

P.S. Coachella sucks donkey dick and should be fire-bombed next year to take out all those bastard hipster duffoses...

The Day Is Upon Us

2008-04-27T09:33:00.003-04:00

It's the morning before game four and I don't think the four people who write this blog have been more fired up for a professional sporting event ... ever. We'll post a recap of the game and our experience in the coming days. If for some reason we can't, the court papers of our arrests should depict it quite accurately. Your days are numbered, Cleveland. Sooner, rather than later, The Cavs will be bounced from the play-offs and you'll be reduced to talking about Rick Vaughn, Jake Taylor and the sorry as Indians once again.

Beat 'Em Like They Stole Something

2008-04-25T15:15:00.013-04:00

"Step into my office cause it's time for you to roll somethin/One false move, and we gon' beat you like you stole somethin" - Xzibit

Holy Shit. I'm still numb from the beatdown we laid last night. 36 point victory, I'm not sure there's much more I can say about that than what has already been said. Lebron's overrated...blah blah blah...the Wiz have awesome barbers...blah blah blah....Gil's knee is bothering him....blah blah blah...Soulja Boy was actually in attendance. So since this game has already had the crap covered out of it, I'll just point out some of my own personal favorites from last night:

Caron-ic ripping Lebron on a jumper, then taking it coast to coast for the dunk (pictured above, dialogue is just from what I was able to hear through my TV.)
Caron-ic splitting the double team with a spin move then one hand double pumping a floater for the finish.
The Wiz feeding off the silly loud crowd at the VC:
The Locksmith drilling back to back 3's on Queen James then not feeling his face.
Andray Blatche possibly registering the first volleyball style kill in the box score for his 1st quarter block that had to have gotten into the 10th row.
The VC being whited out.
Nick Young's fade, definitely not Nick Young's play.
Caron-ic's Anthony Mason-esque haircut (Click on the pic for a larger version):
And finally, my favorite part of game 3 was something they showed multiple replays of on the CSN broadcast, and is something I feel kinda epitomizes the Wiz and how awesome (read: G'd up) they really are. Early in the second half, the Wiz were running the fast break and shockingly enough Haywood was out in front. He got the ball passed to him just as he was getting to the post, drew the defense and then turned and kicked the ball out to a wide open Locksmith in the corner for a 3. This next part is what made me realize that this is a big part of why I love this team. Deshawn drained it, skipped back down the court doing the Yayo dance, did the jumping back bump with Caron and then they both ran down the court mean mugging every Cav.

Most.
Gangster.
Team.
Ever.

That play can be seen at about the 1:10 mark here.

So, game 4 is on Sunday at 1, a good portion of the Made 'em Jump braintrust will be in attendance, whited out. You'll know you're close to our section when you start to see mother's covering their children's ears. Let's even this bitch at 2 and head back to the Mistake by the Lake like we own these beat ass nerds.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

Don't Talk to Us

2008-04-23T09:18:00.002-04:00

In response to the hundreds of reader e-mails we have received over the past few days, your editors would like to issue a brief statement:

DON'T TALK TO US RIGHT NOW!

Things kinda suck in Choco City at the moment. We are longing for the halcyon days of last Friday, when we thought:

The Wiz wouldn't shit the bed in Cleveland.....TWICE!! (Ed. Note: We still have faith that the Wiz will take games 3 and 4 at home to even the series)

We had faith that the Calzaghe-Hopkins fight would be good. It wasn't.
In fact it SUCKED....HARD!! We're convinced that the Welsh teach fighters how to slap box rather than throw punches.

Not to mention the gut wrenching loss the Caps suffered last night in OT of game 7.

We're feeling sorry for ourselves and can't summon the commitment to post on a regular basis. So in true Made 'Em Jump style, we would like to pass a bit of advice on to our readers:

"Go fack ya'self Jahmaine!"

Television: Teacher, Mother...Secret Lover

2008-04-18T17:28:00.008-04:00

To say your editors at Made 'Em Jump Like Rod Strickland are excited for television viewing tomorrow is a bit of an understatement. There are a few hoops games on the tele where we may have a minor rooting interest:

Washington-Cleveland12:30 PM ET ESPN

Phoenix-San Antonio3:00 PM ET ABC
Dallas-New Orleans7:00 PM ET ESPN
Utah-Houston9:30 PM ET ESPN

All match-ups feature some intriguing story lines

The Wiz-Cavs series has been well documented on this site.

The Spurs-Suns tie, promises to pass judgement on the wisdom Meistro Kerr displayed in bringing the Big Cactus to Phoenix.

Dallas-N.O. The perfect time for Cuban and Dirk to finally come out of the closet...

Utah-Houston Intriguing because it's on T.V. and gives your editors a reason to ignore their (possibly made-up)girlfriends, drink more beers than is socially acceptable and put pizza down our pants! (what?)

After a full slate of afternoon basketball, your editors will be beligerent beyond belief. What better nightcap than a brawl between Welshman Joe Calzaghe and sr. statesmen/badass B-Hop. Expect boxing to be revived by this fight. It's Black vs. White; USA vs. Europe; Chest Hair vs. Nair. FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!

(B-Hop theorizes on the practicality of cold fusion)

We'd spend more time dissecting this fight, but it's been a long week at work and the Sam Summer Ale is calling our name. Enjoy the viewing tomorrow and remember that Queen James may put up 40...but he still has to go home to Cleveland. SUCKAH!!

I Love it when you call me.....IL PAPA

2008-04-17T08:14:00.003-04:00

Today is a big day in Chocolate City....
The leader of the Holy See is in town and will be holding mass in Souf-Eeest's newest crack den: Nationals Park.

You can count on three things today:

- Numerous Marion Barry sightings
- Will Thomas making baby jebus cry
- A lot of sweaty Cat-licks on the Metro (It's going to be a hot one in D.C. today)

In preparation for today's events, we here at Made 'em Jump Like Rod Strickland have been dranking holy water for the past month. Those Aquafina commercials don't even come close to depicting how good we feel.

Your editors of this esteemed site would like to welcome the Pontiff, his pointy hat and the pope mobile to our lovely city.

Now if you would excuse us, we must get back to milking this king cobra in preparation for tonight's snake handlers service. (The official religion of your editors Made 'Em Jump Like Rod Strickland)

So Long Old Friends, You'll Be Missed...

2008-04-16T16:05:00.003-04:00

Well...there it is...it's over...The final ep (what we in the bidness call an episode) of "Rob & Big" aired last night, and it was glorious.

Rob y Big stole our hearts over the course of two seasons with talk of man-pons, dusty horse doodoo, time travel, and Uncle Jerry...

I'd fully eulogize the show, but I am still too broken up.

In lieu of flowers, I ask that you make a donation to the "Invite Rod Strickland to My Birthday Party Fund". Please make checks payable to Agent Beero c/o Johnny Merchandise.

Sweet Jebus, He's Still Alive??

2008-04-16T15:33:00.005-04:00

I would have laid good money down on the fact that Sisqo was dead...

Don't I feel foolish...well...actually not...because unlike Sisqo, I don't live in a box, turn tricks with guys in Miami, or appear to have a club foot...

I would also like to note how much Sisqo looks like Tek from "The Real World: Hawaii".

Moon Pies and a Cure for Syphilis - What a Time to Be Alive...

2008-04-15T23:40:00.003-04:00

Oh, thank the sweet heavens above...and just when I thought I'd have to live with those unsightly sores forever...

Why God Invented Cluster Bombs and 'Unlicensed Nuclear Accelerators'

2008-04-15T23:25:00.003-04:00

Gangster, Gangster

If there was ever a reason to want to kill hundreds of innocent people so that you could take out three key targets, this would be it...

Sorry Nikki from Paramus, NJ. I know it was your dream to be on TRL, but your death was for the good of the country...I apologize Chastity from Long Island, I know you had a bright future married to a douche with spikey hair who wears child-sized shirts, but it was for the cause...

Who's Your Daddy: Wizards Playoff Preview

2008-04-15T15:42:00.011-04:00

"I ain't a killa but don't push me/ Revenge is like the sweetest joy next to getting pussy" - Tupac Shakur

Well, the seedings are set. Cavs #4, Bullets #5 thanks to the Tim Donaghy gambinos hosing the Sixers last night in Philly. I'll only touch on this a little bit, but did anyone else see that CLE PHL game last night? The refs essentially handed Cleveland a win by whistling a foul with .2 on the clock with Philly up 1. Not only that, they went to review it in instant replay, and had to call the Sixers back on the floor so the free throws could be shot. Terrible officiating considering they let the Queen hop scotch down the lane with a few too many steps before Dalembert threw a block party, then completely ignored the fact that Ilgauskas gave Dalembert a fore arm shiver into Devin Brown for the foul. So basically with the blow of a whistle with .2 on the clock, the Wiz are locked into #5, the Sixers drop into #7 for good, and the Cavs get away with highway robbery again for home court advantage in the first round. We already knew that it would be Cavs Bullets in the first round, but now we know that the series will open in The Mistake by the Lake sometime this weekend. Way to let an important game be decided by the players David Stern. Who's your daddy? Oh that's right, it's Lebron.

So, for the third straight year, it'll be Cavs Bullets in the first round. In 2006, we were beaten by the Lebron James hype machine as he cheated his way to a 4-2 series victory. In 2007, we lost Caron and Gil at the beginning of April and the Cavs swept a shell of a Wizards team (Although big ups to Jamison for trying to carry the load by himself) out of the playoffs. In 2008, that shit ain't happening again. And here's why:

That Ben Wallace trade was the worst thing the Cavs could've done. You basically traded away your second and third scoring options in Larry Hughes and Drew Gooden for Bruce Bowen's punching bag and an over the hill Ben Wallace. I'll gladly let Queen James average 40 pts a game this series, because who else is going to score on that team? Did anyone else see Ben Wallace rim check himself on a wide open two handed dunk vs. Chicago two weeks ago? Priceless.
This isn't the same Wiz team the Cavs have played the last two years. Everyone's finally (semi) healthy, Haywood is having a career year, no one on the Cavs can defend Twan's playground game, Caron's developed into a prime time player, Gil's the best 6th man in the league, Blatche didn't get gatted this year, and we finally have a bench that's deep enough and capable of holding down the fort while the starters rest. The Cavs? Uh, they have some dude named "Boobie" coming off their bench, they traded their best offensive role players for 4.8 ppg, and they're from Ohio. That's what we call a lose, lose, lose situation.
Eddie Jordan > Mike Brown. No one has talked about it, but Eddie Jordan should be a COY candidate. He took a team that went 41-41 last season with the core of their team healthy for most of the year, and turned them into a potential 44-38 team with Gilbert missing 65+ games and Caron sitting out 20+. While we're at it, Ernie Grunfeld > Danny Ferry. As a GM and as a human.
Gilbert was for real about coming off the bench. If you've watched him since he's made his return, he is being limited to about 20-25 minutes a game, but is still being effective. Dropping dimes first, then dropping jumpers. Also, if you watched him take over the 4th quarter vs. Philly on Saturday night, you know this dude still has that fire in him. When he comes off the bench, it's going to be laughable watching someone on Cleveland's second team try and check him.
Lebron is Overrated
Phil and Buck are on our side
Lebron's semi-retarded. When asked about the pending first round matchup with the Wiz, this was his response: "I wanted to play someone else, but if we have to play somebody, I'm glad it's Washington." I wasn't an English major in college, but how does that even make sense? Let's quickly break down that quote. "I wanted to play someone else..." Ok that part makes sense, you didn't want to see the Wiz in the first round. "...but if we have to play somebody..." Hey dummy, you made the playoffs, of course you're going to have to play someone. "...I'm glad it's Washington." WTF? Didn't you just say seven words earlier that you wanted to play someone else? My head hurts trying to make sense of this.
Lebron and Damon Jones are clearly more than friends:

What do you know, that actually turned out to be another installment of bullets on the Bullets. So what's my final say? Bullets over Cavs in 6. I think we'll take one from them in Cleveland in the first two, and then let them hang around and win another game so we can finish them in the Phone Booth in game 6. Best believe we here at Made 'em Jump will be in attendance for at least a couple of the home games, and potentially take a road trip to Cleveland for one of the road games. This is the year we take out Lebron and his merry band of dickriders. THERE'S NO WHERE TO HIDE THIS YEAR SON!

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

Sic Semper Eastern Conference Foes: More Bullets on the Bullets

2008-04-11T14:49:00.010-04:00

"fuck you bill simmons choke on my dick" - An actual tag used by Big Daddy Drew of Kissing Suzy Kolber. I couldn't have said it any better myself.

Sic Semper Eastern Conference Foes. Roughly translated "This is what will happen to all Eastern conference foes." God I love Virginia. Once again I was forced to take a hiatus from writing posts due to work load issues at my paying job, executive producing MILF Island. Now that the season finale aired last night I'll have some more time on my hands. What better way to come back than to do another session of bullets on the Bullets (and this time a couple of other DC Sports related notes) :

GILBERT IS BACK: To all those haters who said that Gil was bullshitting when he said he'd come back off the bench and be an assist man, well, to put it in the words of Ty Webb, your uncle molests collies. In three games back, Gil's been putting up 14.3 points and 4.3 assists in just under 22 minutes a game. Forget the points, 4.3 dimes in 20-ish minutes? Not too shabby Agent Zero.
WIZARDS PLAYOFF PUSH: Four games left in the season, @DET, PHL, IND and @ORL. We're two games behind Queen James and his merry band of dick riders for the 4 seed, a game in front of Illadelphia for the 6 seed and two games in front of America Jr.'s Team for the 7 seed. Not so sure we're going to be able to make up two games with four left to take the 4th seed, although that would be ideal. As for the opponents left, Detroit looks like they've already packed it up and are severely limiting their stars' minutes, Indy is making a late playoff push, but it looks to be too little too late, and hopefully Orlando tanks it in the last game of the season. Philly tomorrow night is of the utmost importance. Win that one, and we'll hopefully lock up the 5 seed and a date with the Queen.
WIZ BEAT CELTICS......AGAIN: Thank God we handled our bidness and won this important one. If there's one NBA team I dislike more than the Cavs, it would have to be the Celtics. I've always hated the Celtics, but all the recent sports success in Boston has taken it to a new level. If I have to hear one more shitty accent about the Sox, the Pats or the Celtics, that Boston fan is going to get Paul Pierce'd. I must admit though, after reading this, it seems that half the C's fans have a grip on reality (EJPLAYA, you're welcome in the DMV anytime), the other half are drinking the Doc Rivers Kool-Aid (I'm looking your way Frontierboy.) The only time you'll ever hear a fake Boston accent pass through my lips, is when I appropriately call anyone named Todd, "Re-Todd." On a semi related note, big ups to Trey Parker and Matt Stone for calling out the Pats while paying homage to Stand and Deliver all in one blow. HOW DO I REACH THESE KEEEDZ?!?!?!
CAPS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS: Well, I don't watch hockey, I've been to one game and I find it hard to follow the puck when I watch it on TV, but hey, this is a Chocolate City sports team so we gotta cover it. The last time the Wiz and Caps were in the playoffs at the same time, we were the Bullets, we were both playing in USAir Arena when it was known as the Capital Centre, Sesame Street was still heterosexual, and I was 7 years old. God damn 1988 was a money year. While we're on the subject of the Caps, why do they get to switch back to red, white and blue, yet the Wiz can't? Can we start a petition to get our original colors back? YO PAUL LUCAS, GET AT ME SO WE CAN TALK AND MAKE MOVES SON.
DC UNITED MEDIOCRE: My boys holding it down in RFK have started the season kind of slow. Got murked in their first MLS game of the season, won their MLS home opener in convincing fashion, and then couldn't overcome a 2 goal aggregate deficit at RFK on Wednesday night to get knocked out of the Champions' Cup. Ben Olsen is still out too, recovering from ankle surgery in the off season. He must be the (chest/facial) hair to DC United's Samson.
LARRANAGA STAYS IN THE DMV: My man Coach L turned down the head coaching gig at his alma mater Providence in favor of signing a contract extension with Mason through the 2014-2015 season. To top that off, Feinstein wrote a money piece on Coach L in the Post this week. From everything I hear, President Merten had a HUGE part in keeping Coach L, as did the AD. That's the athletic department, certainly not the athletic director.

I think I covered everything I wanted to, with the notable exception of my dissertation on Brendan Haywood, including in depth scientific analysis of whether his head is filled with caramel or malted milk, if pulling hair in a fight is in fact a bitch move, as well as a beautifully rendered venn diagram highlighting the pros and cons of the two handed dunk being the most potent move in your arsenal. Me thinks that'll have to wait for a post of its own. Lastly, let's raise our glasses and toast the return of 30 Rock and The Office last night, my sister introducing me to the wonder that is Pandora Radio, and me winning an authentic Rod Strickland Wizards jersey on eBay.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

Who Ya Got? -- We Hate The Celtics Edition

2008-04-09T21:22:00.006-04:00

In honor of the Wizards' big win over the Celtics, we're bringing you a special "Who Ya Got?" For those of you who don't know who Brian Scalabrine is ... don't worry. He got about a minute of playing time in the game, missed a layup and was up on the "kiss cam" on the Verizon Center jumbotron. So, who ya got? Brian Scalabrine -- the worst red headed basketball player I have ever seen or Patrick Renna -- the thespian that played "The Great Hambino" in "The Sandlot."

PS -- I can't wait to see Caron match up with Paul Pierce in the Eastern Conference Finals.

'Dem Georgia Boys, Greenery and Cash $$$

2008-04-09T12:50:00.000-04:00

Admit it, judging by the title you thought this post was about: The OutKast smoking Bob Marley blunts at the the infamous Atlanta Gold Club while making it rain.

Well ....it's not, but Davis Love III has been mistaken for Big Boi on more than one occasion! (They've agreed not wear their "killer teeth" at the same time to prevent future confusion.)

On to business - The Masters starts tomorrow with the beloved Par 3 Contest. For those of you unfamiliar with the Par 3 Contest: its held on a seperate 9-hole track. No winner has ever won the main event in the same year. This year marks the first time the contest will be aired on television, which ensures two important TV records will be set:

Most shots of spoiled children of wealthy "athletes" prancing around in designer clothing on the hallowed grounds of Augusta;

Most Gratuitous pics of Elin Nordegren, Amy Mickelson and other hottie WAGs:

This little bun-bun is Sonya Toms, wifey of David Toms. Did we mention that we hate golfers?

Since we have now fulfilled the mission statement of Made 'Em Jump Like Rod Strickland Sports, Boobs and Dope Ryhmes...

This post comes to a close with some advice: If you are a gambling man, and we certainly are, bet on Tiger to win the tourney. If you are looking for a good "first-half bet" like a certain contributor to this think-tank, take John Daly. Getting his breasts massaged has to be good for something right?

Local Boy Makes Good...Federal Suspect...ZING!!!

2008-04-08T18:03:00.005-04:00

Alright...so we need to dance around this a bit to keep our velvet-lined cloak of anonymity intact...here goes nothing...

So the Dallas Morning News is reporting that NFL player Matt Lehr, who your boys have a connection with, is being investigated by federal authorities in North Texas for "allegedly" distributing steroids. The Lehr Bear, who used to play for the Cowboys among other teams, was suspended in 2006 for violating the NFL's substance abuse policy.

So let's see...the guy has already been suspended for 4 games by the NFL in 2006...he used to play for those classy, classy upstanding gents in Hotlanta...there is no way that - in our opinion - Lehr is Ganking Underaged Illegal Ladies Tatas, Ya heard. You hear that America?? Our opinion is that he's not GUILTY!

Forgiverness Prease...

2008-04-08T17:59:00.003-04:00

So we haven't posted in almost a week...but we swear to U-God that we have a legit reason...

We were just too caught up in seeing our namesake on tv more than we have since he left the Wiz...

...or we just got lazy and fell asleep a lot...either way, we're semi-sorry...and we kinda promise to never do that again...sorta

HE'S BACK

2008-04-02T19:44:00.002-04:00

THANK GOD

If Gil Says So...

2008-03-31T13:45:00.005-04:00

I literally never want to drink anything else ever again for the rest of my life.

Vitamin Water - the makers of that wonderful elixir that has nursed me back from countless hangovers has gone and done it...they have done the one thing that could conceivably make them any more perfect in your boy's eyes...they went and signed Gilbert Arenas to a deal and put his beautiful mug on my favorite flavor - power-c.

From what I've gleaned from several inside sources, Gil's signature flavor contains 7% pure Gil paintball induced sweat.

Now if only Vitamin Water will make that Tough Juice flavor we've been lobbying for...

Nats Open Season at New Stadium in South East - Dem Corner Boys No-Likey

2008-03-31T10:17:00.010-04:00

The Washington Nationals opened the 2008 season in a hale of fanfare - and gunfire - at their digs in South East, Washington, D.C.

The much heralded stadium - just blocks from Agent Beero's place of bidness - was the scene for some silly opening night drama as the Nats defeated dem bums from Hotlanta 3-2 on a two out walk-off homer by Ryan Zimmerman.

Equally as impressive as the Zimm's game winning donger, Nationals Park offers both Five Guys and Ben's Chili Bowl half smokes.

So as I said, the new stadium is in my semi-employed neck of the woods. And while you may say that I'm giving away too much info about my identity, I assure you that saying I work in South East keeps me in a cloak of anonymity...There are essentially three jobs you can have in my neighborhood - drug dealer, former mayor of D.C., or former mayor of D.C. turned drug user and hooker frequenter turned city council member. Guess which one I am...

Caron Butler: Putting Kevin Martin Through Puberty Since Friday Night

2008-03-30T12:04:00.007-04:00

"The sky is falling ,Geronimo!/ I feel my high coming down/Look out below!" - Method Man

Dear Kevin Martin,

Just wanted to thank you for playing a big part in my next poster. I couldn't have done this without you. Your face was priceless, you have a bright future in getting dunked on.

Love,
Caron Butler

For real though, did you see this guy get one hung on his head on Friday night? Shit was bananas. We may have to start a sister site called "Don't Make 'Em Jump Like Kevin Martin." If there's one thing Woody Harrelson has taught me, it's that White Men Can't (shouldn't) Jump. What's that? Kevin Martin's not white? Yeah right, and I'm not awesome either.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

P.S. Wiz won the game 114-108. Only 1.5 games behind Cleveland for the 4 seed. We're coming for you Queen James. Big one vs. the Lakers tonight. C'mon tear away Armani.....

Duke Flavored Hater-Aid - The Choice of a New Generation

2008-03-28T14:00:00.002-04:00

Ah...rejoicing in others' suffering - the official motto of Made 'em Jump...

Have you ever hated something so much you've wanted to "...throw a Molotov cocktail through your momma's momma's house..."??

Have you ever had an overwhelming need to two-foot some blue painted fucks right into a hot dog cart full of Eskay hot dogs?

Not that we here at Made 'em Jump hate Duke basketball, it's just that they are the biggest crop of butt nugget turds with an unnatural sense of entitlement the likes of which haven't been seen since...well...Greasy Bear.

That being said...

This past Saturday, thrice of the gentlemen that author this here fine blog went to the Verizon Center for the NCAA Tournament 2nd round Duke vs. West Virginia and Xavier vs. Purdue.

When it comes to college sports we, like most semi-law abiding citizens, aren't down with WVU and their couch burning / battery throwing policies. But when you pit WVU against Duke, you have to root against Duke.

So the thrice of us take our seats in the rafters of the Phone Booth and who should plop down in front of us but two of the most stereotypical Duke fans...ever...

These Carlton Banks, joint tax return filing mother fuckers sit down rocking their officially issued "Cameron Crazies" fan package circa 1997 - visors, gray camo-ish pants from a long forgotten Sisqo, "witty" Duke themed t-shirts, etc. And no sooner did we sit down did they go into their "trash" talking and Duke chants and choreographed dance routines. These guys clearly had no clue who they were dealing with, as they're the ones that initiated the shit talking. Granted, their shit talking consisted of spouting off grade point averages, rubbing each other's nipples and very non hetero pats on the ass. For every made fould shot Duke took, these turds would do the patened "Woosh" and every time WVU would shoot, they would try to distract the shooter (keep in mind they were roughly 1,000 feet from the floor).

It was impossible to ignore these fuckers...first of all they came with "girls"...one of which was built like Mike Golic...the other, large boobicaled one, was rocking a Carolina Blue "I Heart Roy's Boys" t-shirt. These turds couldn't even get cred with their bitches...

As the delightfully well bred sports fans that we are, we tried not to let them get to us...but despite our best efforts, we couldn't help but get our Irish up...or in the case of Agent Hiro, his Asian-American Irish up...

We lit into them the way three bad brothers from the mean streets of Northern Virginia would...lots of screaming "done, son" in their ears after every WVU point, plenty of nonsensical retarded comments, asking them when they were getting married and where they were registered at, and all the annoying bits that made us laugh and them curse the TicketMaster Gods for their seating assignments...

About halfway through the 2nd half WVU started to pull away on the backs of Radford, Va. native Darris Nichols and this mother fucker - Mr. Basketball West Virginia Joe Alexander (not the Huggy Bear). With about 4 minutes left in the game, it began to look like WVU was going to win. And then the most unbelievable thing in the history of all sports happened...the turd in the sweatshirt pulled out his own single serving cup of apple sauce and began to drink it like a fucking glass of scotch...just sipping on the mother fucker...AND THEN THE THEO HUXTABLE FUCK TURNED THE TOP OF HIS APPLE SAUCE INTO A FUCKING SPOON AND SCOOPED OUT THE LAST FEW MORSELS OF THE APPLE SAUCERIFFIC SNACK...fucking unbelievable...almost as unbelievable as the fact that none of us took a picture of it...

Once WVU was well on their way to victory, all shit talking (from them) had ceased, and said turds began to pretend like we weren't there. Long story short, the two Dookies finally digested the fact that their team just isn't that good, and decided to console each other, the only way two former Duke "roommates" (read: life partners) can:

I'm guessing my man on the right is the big spoon at night.

High fives all around for Duke being overrated.

God is Love,
Rev Run (Really Agent Beero, Agent Hiro, and the other two ghost faced bloggers who refuse to create e-monikers)

She Won't Regret This At All...

2008-03-28T09:21:00.008-04:00

...because the tattoo will represent all the "love, inner strength, and beauty she has"...

Strike that, reverse it...

I think Audriana just got a tattoo that says "Everyone in America has seen my Joe E. Tatas" in Chinese...or Japanese...one of those funny little languages...

Sources report that it may actually say "I was born in Kowloon Bay!" but in Cantonese...

This Is TIP, Coming Live From Cellblock D

2008-03-27T16:16:00.004-04:00

The Associated Press is reporting that one of Made 'em Jump's favorite rappers, Clifford "TI" Harris, is heading to the slammer. The AP reports that the self-proclaimed "King of the South" plead guilty to weapons charges and will be sentenced after completing community service. Apparently he will talk to kids about the pitfalls of guns, gangs and drugs ... all of the things that made him great.

Takin' It Back To The Old School, Cause I'm An Old Fool Whose So Cool

2008-03-27T11:56:00.006-04:00

Please God say this style is coming back...

Brandon "Kid" Jennings debuted his eraser-ish hair steez last night at the McDonald's All-American game...and to be honest with you, I think the style is AWESOME. Jennings will be following in the great footsteps of one Gilbert Arenas next year when he balls at Arizona

I really think there is no better way to go through life than looking like this:

That's A Breathalyzer Richie, Not A Guitar Talk Box

2008-03-26T16:24:00.005-04:00

Wow. Not bad for Made 'em Jump's first celebrity mug shot. Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi was arrested late Tuesday night and accused of driving under the influence in Laguna Beach, California. I bet he was going to see this man.

Made 'em Jump Beard Battle o' the Day

2008-03-26T14:59:00.001-04:00

The bitch looks like Prince...

C-Webb Retires, Laments about "Glory Days in Chocolate City"

2008-03-26T10:33:00.007-04:00

Former Washington Bullets "surprisingly weak"-forward Mayce Edward Christopher Webber III announced his retirement today.

Webber, besides being semi-talented, was also one of the Bullets instrumental in reinstating the "Curse O' Les Boulez" :

I'm roughly 157% sure we can blame Gil and Caron's recent spat of injuries on C-Webb.

Besides not playing in many games during his career, Dr. Webber is known for the following:

Rest ye oars, sailor. God speed and good luck spending the last few years of your life living on Juwan Howard's couch.

Your man in the streets,

The Chattanooga Champ

Mourning Would

2008-03-26T08:44:00.004-04:00

Alonzo Mourning Would like to introduce you to Meg Griffin. Better known for her role as Jackie on That 70's Show, Mila Kunis co-stars in the upcoming film: Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It's a heart-warming tale about a young woman with amnesia who forgets her name is Sarah Marshall...or some ish like that. Alonzo wouldn't know exactly, because he couldn't get through the entire plot summary on IMDB before he had to rub one out to that slamming Rusky silly. (Your editor's here at Made 'Em Jump Like Rod Strickland would like to apologize for Mr. Mourning's gratuitous reference - our mind grapes were just fermented).

Please enjoy the show: Sweet Sweet Mila

Bullets on the Bullets

2008-03-25T11:40:00.009-04:00

"And tell LeBron to cut that beard off and stop copying me.” - Mr. 50

Well, I'm finally home for an extended period of time after being on the road in SoCal for two weeks for work, and then spending a 4 day bender in Vegas with a part of the Made 'Em Jump braintrust. SoCal was good, and I must say Circle K Taquitos > 7-11 Taquitos. Vegas on the other hand, well let's just say I lost my phone, a Nats fitted, a good portion of my life force, and quite a bit of my dignity. Shoutouts to the fine employees of a certain minty horned beast though for ruining my perception on life and the way it should work. Ain't life grand.

Anyhow, we've got a lot of Wiz related ish to catch up on, so without further ado, some bullets on the Bullets:

Bullets, winners of 6 of their last 7, most recently a very complete performance against the Pistons. Those retards try and copy us, they employ four former Bullets (Dick-son, Arvis Hayes, Sheed and Rip), yet they still get handled by us. Since Flip took over the Pistons, we're 6-3 over them. They don't want none of us.
Deshawn and Lebron: A True G and a Bitch. These two have been engaging in a war of words since Deshawn correctly labelled him overrated after the undermanned Bullets picked up a W over the shitty shit shit Cavs. Most recently, Lebron has made the comparison to him being Jay-Z and Deshawn being Soulja Boy. News flash Queen James: You can't call out Soulja Boy like he's shit and then get caught on camera doing his entire dance. But hey, I guess if you really meant that, then you're just another Deshawn dick rider. Get in line, take a number, wait your turn. Don't you worry LeBitch, I'll be on your ass the rest of the season. As a side note, I have nothing against Lebron as a player. He's an incredible talent and is easily one of the top 5 players in the league. What I do have a problem with, is how he walks around like his shit don't stink. Motherfucker what have you done besides make a few highlight reels, get paid to play in high school, and get swept out of the finals? You're a defensive liability to your team, you complain like a fucking 4 year old to any ref who will listen, and you're leading your team in by far the inferior conference in the league to the 4 seed. I can take it from Kobe, a dude who has 3 rings, double digit seasons under his belt, and is leading his team in a fight for first in the west, but Lebron? Get a fucking hold of yourself.
Five game west coast road swing. First three against beatable teams, the last two (Lakers, Jazz) should be tough. If we go 3-2 I'll be happy, 4-1 and I'll be ecstatic, 5-0 and I'll be booking my flight to Cleveland.

I'll be trying to do some big time catching up this week on the posts, but some things to lookout for this week in the sports related corner of Made 'em Jump: DC United Preview, an in depth interview with Ben Olsen's beard, and me trying to convince Leon Black to give the Wiz his famous "Get In That Ass" speech before their inevitable series with LeBitch.

Yours in (hopefully Lebron's) blood,
Agent Hiro

Ah Crap...

2008-03-25T09:54:00.006-04:00

Long time Made 'em Jump Spokeswoman and occasional Agent Beero "freebie" Sienna Miller is officially off the market...

We loved this saucy wench from Cool Britannia for many reasons...her coolly demure demeanor, her eloquence, and her...well...dopeicity...

We're gonna miss her...

Looks Like That Tear-Away Armani Will Have To Wait

2008-03-24T15:56:00.004-04:00

Despite laying a beat down on the Pistons at the phone booth, there was bad news out of Wizards camp last night. The G-I-L wanted to play, but was not cleared by doctors. The Washington Post is reporting that Gil told reporters, "Ya'll don't have to write any more. I'm not coming back this year." However, Gil was on the Wiz bench after the game started and looked to be in a better mood. So with all this speculation, I'm going to make a bold prediction: Gilbert comes back next Sunday, March 30 when the Wiz play the Lakers in LA. I'm not stopping there, though. Not only will Gil make his return that night, but I predict the best... entrance... ever. I'm guessing that he will not announce he's coming back before gametime. However, as Brian Austin Green (yes, that B.A.G.) announces starting line-ups, Gilbert will reveal that the suit he is wearing is actually a tear-away and underneath is his uniform. As for his "dress shoes," they will actually be some new model Gil 0's that are appropriate for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and first communions. I'm not going to predict minutes or points for Gil, but be sure, when he comes back, it will be anything but traditional. So here is my advice to all you Wiz fans: just watch the game, look for "celebrities" in the crowd, and remember, just cause Gil is wearing a suit 10 minutes before tip, doesn't mean he's not going to play. Check back with me next Monday, but after what happened last year in LA, I don't think Agent Zero can resist taking another bow at the Staples Center.

Happy Birthday Mr. Steve McQueen

2008-03-24T14:38:00.004-04:00

This right here is the man all men should model themselves after...

He reminds myself of a young version of...well...myself...he raced motorcycles, made awesome movies, slammed Budweiser, and was awesomely grizzled before he died in Juarez, Mexico...just like me...

God rest your smutty old soul...

The Hills Season Something-or-Other Debuts Tonight

2008-03-24T14:29:00.004-04:00

Sweet holy Moses...if this is what we have to look forward to this season...sign me up...also get me one of my guns, cause I like to hunt big game. "Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up."

Here's a little teaser to get you ready for tonight.

America's White Trash Sweetheart All Growed Up

2008-03-24T10:02:00.011-04:00

In an effort to reach out to that hard to target "women 19-47 and emotionally unstable and possibly bat shit crazy" demographic, we here at Made 'em Jump occasionally dip our massive ladle of sports knowledge and oft' witty commentary into other "sports" other than our usual realm of basketball, football, and whoring...

To that end, we present you with:

Shannon Miller, the U.S. of A's most decorated gymnast...

Remember those silly 1992-era acid washed bangs?

Remember those washboard...well...entire torso??

Well time, and human growth hormone, have not been kind to her.

She appears to be one face lift away from my childhood hero Skeletor.

Not to completely alienate our zero female readers, I was always a big fan of Dominique Dawes. Not only is D-boogie a DMV native, she was definitely always the best looking of the early 90s US gymnastic sprites. And unlike Ms. Miller and her creepy looks, Dominique kept it real as she got older. Yo D, holla at me when you're in town.

Who Loves Donger??

2008-03-24T09:15:00.006-04:00

This guy!

Dr. Nicholas Cannon putting the "out" in "Wild 'n Out"...

P.S. I believe he is carrying a TV remote in his back pocket...I wonder what he uses that for??? ZING!

March Madness Part Duex: Sons Strike Back

2008-03-21T22:35:00.006-04:00

As the second day of NCAA tourney action draws to a close, we here at Made 'Em Jump Like Rod Strickland would like to take a moment to acknowledge some of the day's best performers:

Singer, songwriter, troubador extraordinaire Delbert McCLinton's son, Jack (pictured inset), went off for 38 points in Miami FL(s) game against St. Mary's this afternoon. Beyond the startling physical resemblence, these two share something beyond the prototypical father-son bond: a love for Thai hookers & Mad Dog 20/20. File that factoid away for future reference....

Performance number two of the afternoon belongs to Stephen Curry, son of Wardell Curry. Stephen, known as one of the deadliest shooters in the country, went off for 40 during today's game against the college basketball team that white people like, the Gonzaga Bulldogs.

Speaking of the 'Zags...ever since Heytvelt took the team on a trip that would make the great Hunter S. Thompson proud, the Blue Devils of the PacWest have been perennial underperformers. Your esteemed editors have a few words of advice: "...shut up bitch and chew up this mushroom!"

Finally, we would like to acknowledge the #13 seeds. Two takedowns today: Siena over Vandy and Los Toreros over the Huskies. Not exactly vintage from stuff from coach Calhoun.
Truly impressive stuff from the underdogs...just like Mr. Nakamura's grass-roots industrialist empire in Japan (Ed note: one of the most gregarious, perveted Japanese business men we have ever met).

More to come from Hiro after the D.C. Regionals tomorrow

Made 'em Jump's Kristin Cavallari Photo of the Day

2008-03-21T12:51:00.003-04:00

Ah crap! I think she spotted us. Damn lack of foliage...can't a guy lurk in the bushes in peace anymore?!?!

More photos of KC and some "hard hitting" journalism here.

He Just Had to See the Rod Strickland Photo For Himself

2008-03-20T09:35:00.004-04:00

Avid Made 'em Jump Reader, Russell Crowe, stopped by the world famous Ben's Chili Bowl to check out the picture of Rod Strickland we discovered last week-ish.

Big Rus is in Chocolate City filming the movie "State of Play"; which - oddly enough - has nothing to do with the state of plays in America.

More importantly than this, I have now learned that a certain Jason Bateman is also in D.C. filming the above mentioned film. As a result, I have a declared a state of "Batemanium" in the District. We are currently operating under "Code Orange" - A likely chance of Bateman-related pandemonium with a slight touch of George Michael Bluth.

Your man in the streets,
The Chattanooga Champ

Who Shot Ya?

2008-03-19T12:34:00.005-04:00

"How come they ain't found who killed Biggie or Tupac but they arrest O.J. Simpson the next day? Nicole Simpson can't rap! I want justice" -Dave Chappelle

An article in Monday's LA Times claims that Biggie and Diddy were aware that late rapper, actor and former member of Digital Underground Tupac would be ambushed at a New York recording studio back in 1994. This is not the attack that killed Tupac. Diddy is denying the report, calling it ridiculous. We'll let you read the article and decide for yourself.

Made 'em Jump Photo of the Day

2008-03-18T15:41:00.006-04:00

A tale of two hot pole vaulters...

Pole vaulting is quickly approaching women's softball as the sport with the hottest participants.

The young lass on the left - Allison Stokke - enraptured the sports blogging community a few months back at the tender age of something below consent. Ms. Stokke is now in college and driving the young lads of Cal wild with her spandexed ways.

Ms. Stokke now has some competition courtesy of the land of criminals and sheep.

Enter stage right Ms. Melanie Adams. Ms. Adams is quickly on her way to becoming Australia's hottest exports since Paul Hogan and the cast of Road Rules 6. That is - of course - until Bindi Irwin's line of delightfully charming clothes hits the shelves at your nearest Belk.

The Chattanooga Champ,
Agent Beero

Made 'em Jump Experiment o' the Day

2008-03-18T14:59:00.005-04:00

I knew getting knocked up gave you big ol' boobicals...but man, I had no idea it gave you such gorgeous facial hair...

Then again, Nicole Richie just might be Joel Madden's beard. Not that I believe that. But I'm just saying.

Our Invitation Must Have Been Lost in the Mail

2008-03-17T15:52:00.009-04:00

As the resident kings of D.C. sports meida (with Lindsey Czarniak playing the role of our queen - this being a close second) it came as a bit of a shock that we were not invited to Tough Juice's 28th Birthday Jam:

The long and short of it is that we were straight cold snubbed...Caron, I thought we were all friends. I mean just because both Kim Kardashian and Carmen Electra have restraining orders filled against us, doesn't mean that we couldn't attend. Well...actually it does...but it would have been nice to have been at least invited.

It took all weekend to get over the hurt of not being included.

We thought we were okay with it...

That is until we saw this:

BIZ!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! How could you? You told us you were going to Popeyes with Ashy Larry.

Made 'em Jump Photo of the Day

2008-03-17T12:49:00.006-04:00

With thrice of the Brain Trust in Vegas for a wedding, your man in the streets Agent Beero was intrusted holding down the fort in Chocolate City. Not surprisingly, I watched roughly 476 hours of NCAA basketball and 5 old episdoes of The Wire and have done zero to further the cause of this blog. To that end, I will continue with my sub par performance by being lazy and posting this:

Name that wench.

If you were guessing it was Tiki Barber dressed in drag, you'd be pretty damn close.

But if you guessed her, you'd be right. Sweet chocolate Christ on a whole wheat cracker. For years I wondered what Diana Ross would look like if she got busy with Rerun from "What's Happening!!". And now I know. I can now die knowing that all of life's mysteries have been solved.

P.S. Despite what Agent Hiro may post this week about the quality of some 2nd rate Virginia commuter school's bball program, there is no way in hell that George Mason will beat Notre Dame. Whatever he writes, you can't believe him. He's Japanese-ish And as history has shown us over the last 100 years, you can't trust the Japanese.

P.P.S. No disrespect meant to Japanese people. I love you guys. You gave us this, this, and of course this.

Made 'em Jump Caption Contest

2008-03-14T15:12:00.003-04:00

Washington, D.C. contains some of the most famous landmarks in the world. There's the Washington Monument, The White House, The U.S. Capitol and countless other jems. Among them -- Ben's Chili Bowl. It is a hole in the wall diner frequented by some of Washington's most powerful people. I happened to be at Ben's a few night's ago and was checking out the pictures they have on the wall. They have Bill Cosby, Hillary Clinton, Marion Barry and Bono all visiting the joint. As I was looking, one picture seemed to shine brighter than the rest. I can't explain what drew me to it, but it just seemed to have a sparkling glow. When I looked closer I almost fainted. That's right, it was Rod Strickland picking up one of his beloved half smokes. As you can see, I took a picture of the picture and have posted it here. (By the way, some people in the restaurant seemed to think it was weird I was taking a picture of a picture. To these people I say, "Have you ever heard Triumph? Were you part of that magical 96-97 season when Rod helped the Bullets make it to the first round of the play-offs. Oh, you weren't? Then shut up and stop staring.) Anyway, I figured this picture was reason enough to hold our first ever Made 'em Jump caption contest. The only prize -- pride, son.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da CHH-CHH!

2008-03-13T14:18:00.002-04:00

Be still, my beating heart...Someone get Joe E. Tata on the phone, it looks like "Beverly Hills 90210" may be coming back to TV.

Pass That Caron-ic, Son

2008-03-12T18:42:00.006-04:00

"The king's back now/Hos don't even know how to act now/Hit the club, strippers getting naked before he sat down." -TI

Sorry Hiro, I had to copy your steez and use a quote on this glorious day. That's right, SI.com is reporting that Caron will be back tomorrow night against the Cavs. Butler (see Tough Juice, Caronimo, Caron-ic) has been out since early February with a torn labrum. I'm so happy, I could kiss Phil Chenier. Wait, what do you mean Buckhantz already beat me to it?

On The Bubbles

2008-03-12T18:17:00.006-04:00

No, not that Bubbles. Although, I think I speak for everyone here at Made em Jump when I say that we couldn't be happier for Bub and the fact that his sister no longer needs to keep him locked in the basement to prevent him from stealing her shit to get that pandemic. Anyway, on the eve of the ACC tournament two local teams need very good showings to make the Big Dance. I'm talking about Virginia Tech and Maryland.

We'll start with the Terps. After losing to Virginia in Charlottesville in the last game of the regular season, it seems like Maryland will need to make the finals of the ACC tournament if they hope to have any shot at dancing. They finished the regular season 18-13 with some very bad losses (see American University, UVa). However, they did have a huge win over UNC. Tomorrow they'll take on BC in the first round. If Gist and Osby show up, the Terps could very well be a team that makes a nice run, and like Bubbles, finally gets out of a relative's basement and reaches the promise land.

Now to Virginia Tech. No matter what happens, this season has to be considered a success for the Hokies. They have a crapload of freshman and were picked to finish 10th in the ACC in the pre-season coaches poll. Instead, they finished fourth after losing to Clemson by a point in South Cack-a-lacky on Sunday. Despite a strong ACC showing, they have very few quality wins and an ass load of bad losses (see ODU, Richmond). To make it to the dance they're going to need at least one, probably two victories in the ACC tournament. They have a bye tomorrow, but will more than likely get Miami on Friday. Win, lose or draw, look for Malcolm Delaney to be the hardest thing out of Baltimore since Marlo Stansfield, AD Vassallo to knock down some threes and Seth Greenberg to be screaming and complaining.

It's Like the Reunification of Germany...

2008-03-12T14:59:00.007-04:00

"...yeah, but with way better tits."

In what can only be described as an event more important that The Vatican II, SALT II, and this combined, Kristin Cavallari and Lauren Conrad are well on their way to becoming BFFLs.

Alright...so that isn't that important to the majority of Americans or the esteemed scholars that read this blog. But to the fine editors of Made 'em Jump, life doesn't get much better - or hotter - than this (come on late night lingerie-clad pillow fights). It also means that I get to post this picture:

Because as the great William Q. Huxtable-Cosby taught us so many years ago, there's always room for Jel-LO...HAHAHA...double ZING!!! This stuff just writes itself.

Your man on the streets,
Agent Beero

P.S. Despite what you may believe and what the rest of the brain trust here at Made 'em Jump will tell you, I DID NOT make that photo montage of Lo. And there is a perfectly good explanation why there is a wall-sized version of the collage on my bedroom wall...ummm....well...errr...it's because...Hey! Look over there!

"... the life of kings." — H.L. Mencken

2008-03-11T12:54:00.005-04:00

RIP "The Wire" 2002-2008

The series finale of "The Wire" aired this past Sunday and I'm still reeling from the realization that it's over. But in true Bahl-more form, the show went out on the straight ganster tip - guns blazing, crack pipes smoking, and to paraphrase Hova "middle finger to the Lord, grippin' its balls". "The Wire" went down the same way Bodie (undoubtedly my favorite character from the entire series) went out - standing its ground, protecting its corner, while its "Gloc go pop".

More or less "The Wire" kept it real all the time, and for that I am grateful...cause if the show had some copout ending, it would have been forever tainted...but in the end, those that needed to got got and the good guys - God love 'em - got drunk on Jamesons.

I'm gonna miss that fucking show. And for better or worse, I still love me some Bahl-more.

Made 'em Jump Photo of the Day

2008-03-11T11:34:00.004-04:00

I didn't know Madonna had a twin...

ZING!!!

Those are two buff bitches...no disrespect meant to Iggy Pop who, as we all know, turned in the performance of his career in the 2000 cinematic gem "Snow Day". This is, of course, the movie that taught us that despite what the weird girl with the dog collar and the tattoo of a snake on her face might say, "Al Martino does not bite the big one."

Who Ya Got?: CAA Champions Edition

2008-03-10T21:45:00.008-04:00

"Time and time again I gotta turn back round and tell these hoes/That I am the H.N.I.C. bitch that's just the way it goes" - Big Boi (Purple Ribbon All Stars)

The Patriot Center, home of CAA Champions......and Sesame Street on Ice.

Agent Hiro here, checking in from the left coast, and it is my pleasure to say that GEORGE MASON IS GOING TED DANSON AGAIN!!! That's right bitches, my beloved Patriots are headed back to the promised land. This is going to kind of be a long-ish post, due to the fact that I haven't been able to blog effectively in the last couple of weeks while I've been in LA. My hobbiest paparazzi gig and trying to find (read: stalk) Rachel Bilson has taken quite a bit more time than I had originally anticipated.

Anyways, Mason beat a very white William & Mary squad 68-59 in the CAA Championship game in Richmond tonight. Sweet Jesus, I haven't seen that much white since the "Made Em Jump" crew balled and shot called their way to taking down Fat Joe's Terror Squad last summer on an "Icey White Wednesday" at Rucker Park. Only leading by 1 at the break, Folarin (pronounced "bah-ler") Campbell made it rain 3s to start the second half, and Mason never looked back. Will Thomas was once again a force to be reckoned with, dominating in the paint and finishing with 18 and 13. Now that we've gotten to Will Thomas, here is your "Who Ya Got?: CAA Champions Edition":

On the top is former Mason star and 3 time CAA POTY George Evans (yes, that George Evans), on the bottom is current Mason star Will Thomas. Take Will Thomas' hair off, and I'm pretty sure they're related/genetic clones. Kind of like Cheryl and Reggie Miller, I won't be fully convinced that they're not the same person until I see them in the same place at the same time. With my own eyes. If they can make digital piss, they sure as hell can make a digital Cheryl Miller.

I also want to send a big thanks to W&M for making our NCAA berth easier by taking out the Eric Maynor led VCU Rams, as well as a big congrats on making their first conference tournament final ever. EVER. Not bad for only being a educational institution for 315 years. At least you can take solace in the fact that you're located in the great commonwealth of Virginia, as well as the fact that someone on your baseball team has impeccable taste in music.

So while we wait for the big boys to duke it out in the major conference tournaments, let's all bask in the glory of Mason's victory, and reflect on what happened the last time they were invited to the Big Dance:

Somewhere, Nate Langley is smiling. And probably getting his hair cornrowed.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

P.S. How you like them apples Packer and Nantz? Bitches.

Saddest News Since O.D.B Died

2008-03-06T10:22:00.004-05:00

I have been putting off writing this post for a while now. After several white wine spritzers and hours on the couch in my favorite sweatpants crying, I feel I can now address this very sad topic.

Mr. Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer. There, I said it. Initially, I didn't want to believe the article, hoping it was just another fabricated story by Scott Templeton. But alas, it is all true.

We here at Made 'em Jump are all big fans of Mr. Swayze and celebrate his entire body of work. I, in particular, have a special spot in my heart for The Swayz after meeting him in 2005 in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean aboard USS Harry S. Truman (CVN-75). Despite the fact that he was roughly 5'2" and looked to be made out of old catchers mitts, he was exceedingly nice and autographed a copy of "Point Break" for me.

We wish P. Swayze the best of luck and full and speedy recovery. And until then, we'll reflect back on his fine body of work to keep us going - such classic characters as Darry Curtis from "The Outsiders"; Jed from "Red Dawn"; or that "righteous son of a bitch" Bohdi from the single greatest move of all time - "Point Break"...

"Little hand says it's time to rock n' roll", Mr. Swayze.

Solemnly yours,
Agent Beero

Made 'em Jump Photo of the Day

2008-03-06T09:53:00.005-05:00

Hypothetical, political, lyrical, miracle whip
just like butter, my ryhmes are legit
Cause I'm the humpty. Not humpty dumpty, but humpty hump
Here a hump, there a hump, everywhere a hump...

Thank sweet merciful Jebus, he's still alive!!! Mr. Edward G. Humphreys aka Humpty Hump aka Shock G made a halftime appearance at a recent Pistons - Dank Nugs game in Denver.

"Never knew a hooker that could share me, I get around..."
Agent Beero

The Tale of Two Busted Grills

2008-03-05T14:16:00.006-05:00

'Cause there was a time when all I did was wish
You'd tell me this was love
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned
But somehow it's enough...
- Vanessa Williams

Today, my heart aches...for today, I have seen what has become of two of my former loves.

Oh Mickey, what has time - and several thousand punches to the face / plastic surgeries - done to that formerly enchanting mug of yours?? Also, when did you become homeless, grow a mini-ponytail, and decide it was a good idea to appear in public wearing a coat held together with duct tape??

And Ally, sweet sweet Ally...what have the hipster dufuses done to you?? The last time we saw you, you were 22 going on Oldie Hawn. Now you look like you just came off the assembly line to attend some sort of odd ball event. Also, are you wearing a purple bikini with a flannel blanket wrapped around your boobicals? Just asking. Why can't we get back to the days when you would take a helicopter to go shopping with your ugly friend??

Yours in abject sadness,
Agent Beero

The Birdman Flyeth...

2008-03-04T13:06:00.002-05:00

You may have heard about a big retirement announcement today. Frankly, who gives a shit!
Haven't we been through this ego-trip for the past 3 offseasons? That guy should go peddle some more Wranglers, or get on his knees for Michael Strahan to sack him again for the NFL record. While we do respect the grizzledness of his beard...

We here at Made 'Em Jump Like Rod Strickland are far more concerned with the reinstatement of The Birdman, one Mr. Chris Andersen. After serving a two-year suspension for the abuse of "non-performance enhancing" drugs, the NBA has cleared the way for Chris Andersen to return to the Hornets.

The Bugs of Lake Pontchartrain have recently taken two L's from the gully-ass Zards, and could use the services of a player sporting multiple tatoos of someone/something dunking (see inset pic). We find it ironic that The Birdman happens to sport a tat of a pit-bull...shouldn't it be something more like: this?

Anyway: Here's to The Birdman and his 8 chances to make his first attempt in the '05 NBA Slam Dunk contest:

Putting the "G" in Grunfeld

2008-03-04T01:52:00.005-05:00

"That cat bit me (puff...puff...............exhale)" - Nicholas Clay, Esq.

So we're all well versed on the fact that the Bullets are possibly the most "G'd" up team in the entire NBA. I mean really, who else has a guy who served hard time for slanging that rock, or someone who's been shot while in the league, much less both? Well ladies and gentlemen, here's something you may not know. The street cred in this organization starts at the top, and there's clearly a trickle down effect. Ernie Grunfeld had his number retired over the weekend at his alma mater Tennessee (where he played with future Bullets legend Bernard King), and apparently our homeboy Grunnie was the enforcer for the Vols in the 70s.

From the Bog:

Grunfeld took up for Jackson during a Kentucky game in Stokely Athletics Center. Jackson and Wildcat center Mike Phillips got tangled up after a collision.

"When I went to get up, Phillips bit me on the arm,'' Jackson said.

Later, the teams were lined up for free throws. Grunfeld caught Jackson's eye as if to say: Watch this.

"Everybody was tired,'' Jackson said, "and Phillips was really tired and bent over. Ernie bent down next to Phillips and made sure the official wasn't looking and he sucker-punched him up under the chin.''

I'm speechless right now. I always knew there was a force bigger than the players on the Wiz that made them so God damned gangster, but little did I know this team was hand selected to be G'd up from the feet up. So let's take this opportunity to give a big round of applause for Grunnie, not only for dumping Kwame for Caron, or not re-signing Jeffries or Hughes, but for most importantly passing along his g'd up swag to younger NBA generations.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

P.S. On my flight to LA this afternoon, I board the plane, turn down the row and catch a rather loud bowtie sitting in first class. I glance, and it is none other than former Choco-bot City Mayor Tony Williams. Let me tell you T Dubs, it's an automatic -15 street cred when I try and back hand high five you and you look at me like I'm crazy, and then an additional -5 when you're bodyguard looks like he's about to murk a brotha. Consider this your written warning.

Breaking News: Agent Zero Is Almost Back

2008-03-03T21:52:00.004-05:00

The Washington Post is reporting that Gil has been cleared for full contact practice. The Post says there's no timetable for the return, but Gil said he hopes to be back for the West Coast trip later this month. We get siced.

Mr., Who Is That? Hey, Yo, The Wu (Wiz) Is Back

2008-03-03T16:18:00.005-05:00

After the pre All-Star break debacle, and a few post All-Star hiccups (see losing to the Knicks at home), the Wiz seem to have things back on track. Yesterday, they laid a beat down on a stellar New Orleans team for the second time in less than a week. The win was the fourth for the Zards in the last five games. The team is now back to just one game below 500. What makes the recent resurgence more encouraging is that they've done it without Gil and Caron. Tough games this week, though with Orlando coming to the phone booth on Wednesday and Toronto on the road Friday. Look for more in-depth analysis from Hiro as the week progresses.

Ahead Of Crucial Primaries, Clinton Feels Like Danson

2008-03-03T15:57:00.003-05:00

In the interest of being fair, we thought we should post something about Hillary Clinton after our post about Barack Obama playing hoops. Well, a friend of ours who was on CNN's Web site found just the angle we were looking for. I'm talking about the angle every journalist is looking for. That's right, Clinton spotted drinking a beer and hanging out with none other than Ted Danson. Wow, it's going to be a tough choice for voters in Ohio, Texas, Rhode Island and Vermont tomorrow. One candidate likes to play hoops and watches "The Wire," the other drinks beer and parties with Danson. If only they could morph into some kind of super candidate that plays one-on-one basketball with Danson, while drinking beers and watching "The Wire." Hmmm... I wonder who George Wendt is backing?

Real Recognizes Real Part II: The Return of the Beards

2008-03-01T11:03:00.012-05:00

Last night's Wiz victory over the Bulls is the stuff legends - and grizzled beards - are made of. As the first half ended, the Wiz were down by roughly 674 and had just lost the services of DeShawn Stevenson and his magical - faded - beard to a bullshite ejection with less than a minute to play. I'll leave the full game recap to my comrade Agent Hiro, as he is more adept at in depth game coverage. Plus I have to believe he already has 7,000 words drafted on the game already. So long story short, the Wiz came out in the 2nd half and worked a little "magic" (haha...get it..."magic"...they're wizards...get it?? oh man, this stuff writes itself) and pulled off a pretty silly victory over a team that deserved to lose.

Know why?

Because the Bulls count two former Duke players as members of their team. There are few things we at Made 'em Jump Like Rod Strickland hate more than Duke, two of them being social injustice and being skimped on malt vinegar at Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips at the Garden State Plaza in Paramus, NJ.

Now to get to the real bidness of today's post: beards. First of all, I think we can all agree that DeShawn's beard is the greatest in the land. This has been well chronicled at D.C. Sports Bog. But what hasn't been mentioned, to my knowledge is the potential for one of the best "Who Ya Gots"...ever...so, ladies and gentleman, without further adieu, I give you:

Who Ya Got:

Drew Gooden

or

Common

I know D.G.'s beard has more volume, but sweet jebus it is pretty damn close. Now if only Drew Gooden could play ball as well as Common can rap.

I'll leave you today, with my three pearls of wisdom gleaned during my 27 years of keeping it real. As an young, educated, entitled, white kid from the suburbs, I base my self confidence on three very important principals that you too can adopt:

I probably will never have to suffer from scurvy.
I know that Doctor Dre and Ed Lover are the two greatest statesmen America has ever known.
Having a beard grants you certain rights and privileges that non-bearded chaps will never know.

That being said, I can sleep easily knowing that all is right in the world - as long as DeShawn and his beard are out there, somewhere, watching over me and the rest of the believers.

Yours in awkwardly grown beards,
Agent Beero

"Real Recognizes Real"

2008-02-29T20:56:00.005-05:00

(This is not an actual video clip, just the only picture I could find.)

After the Wiz beat the Celtics earlier this year, Caron Bulter said it best: "Real recognizes real." With the Wiz in Chi Town tonight, taking on the Bulls, we here at "Made em Jump" want to say the same thing. Not to the Bulls, whom I hate almost as much as Cleveland, but to Bulls and Bears "Superfans." I'm of course talking about the fat dudes from SNL. I like to think of the four people who post on this blog as Wizards superfans. However, while Farley, Wendt, Myers, Goodman, Smigel and Montegna (that's right -- Joe Montegna was a "Superfan" -- check Wikipedia) enjoy beer and salted, cured meats in excess, the four of us enjoy beer and mid- to late 90's rap music in excess. A few other notes about this game and the Bulls in general.

1) Thank you for my best memory ever as a Wiz fan, Chicago. When the East Coast Assassin hit that last second shot to beat you in the playoffs a few years back, I almost flew to Chicago to punch Nocioni in the face myself.

2) Namond Bryce is a bitch and you Joakim Noah, look like Namond Bryce.

3) Why didn't you keep Michael Jordan? He was, without question, the best basketball player ever. However, he sure did run the Wiz into the ground. Two words: Tyron Lue.

And I'm Proud to be an American...

2008-02-29T09:51:00.005-05:00

At first glance you might think this picture is from "The Wire" - a dapper don or possibly some sort of mid-level pimp posing with Maryland State Legislators...

But if you are from the DMV (D.C., Maryland, and Virginia) you know better than that...You know that official looking hustler is none other than Chuck "The Godfather of GoGo" Brown. And those aren't state legislators; those are legit U.S. Congressmen...and the crazy homophobic guy from "Grey's Anatomy"

For the uneducated masses who read this blog - GoGo is a type of funk-like music that started in D.C. in the 1970s...Unless you grew up listening to GoGo on Friday nights on WPGC or WKYS, you have a) probably never heard it before 2) will hate it when you hear it III) are massively retarded because GoGo is - as the kids say these days - "the jam"...

As a semi related tangent, while attending the wedding of a certain former high school girlfriend of mine and friend of this brain trust, another unnamed friend who I will cryptically refer to as "Rob" (I'd like to see the Commi-Nazis try and break that code) had the band play the classic and super appropriate - for a wedding with grandparents in attendance - E.U. song "Da Butt".

Yours in Sardines, Hey...and Pork and Beans,
Agent Beero

Mourning Would

2008-02-29T08:44:00.005-05:00

Alonzo Mourning Would...totally stuff this chump! You call that a board? Bitch please...

Alonzo's bad kidney dominated the paint with more ferocity than Senator Hussein and his wussified windpants. For all the talk about Barack being a b-ball die-hard, we say this picture diminishes his street cred as a baller.

How? Think of it this way: You're a captain chosing sides for a pick-up game. You're telling me you're taking the guy wearing pants? Come on sun!

Now if he was murdered out in some Jordan's, mid-shin Bulls shorts and a retro Cliff Levingston jersey, then maybe we would believe the Senator from Illinois was actually a baller. Until then....he's just Barack Obama, the Columbia and Harvard graduate who wears windpants on the court. Alonzo Mourning Would would have totally pwned this jabroni.

Labrums, the bane of my existence.

2008-02-28T09:51:00.010-05:00

"I know the pain the game bring/I did the same thing" - Inspectah Deck

Sweet merciful Jesus, Caron has a torn labrum. What is a labrum? Who fucking cares, all I know is that this shit is keeping Tough Juice out for WAAYYY longer than I would've liked. I gotta say though, I can totally commiserate with Caron and performance related injuries. I have a HUGE blister on my left thumb from my XBOX360 controller and let's be honest, my liver is hanging onto life by a thread. But, this is the price we pay for being in the top .00000001 percentile of our respective professions. Get better soon Caron (you too Gil) but until then, someone take my shoelaces away.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

Mourning Would:

2008-02-28T07:58:00.004-05:00

Alonzo Mourning would definitely tap that ass.... In fact, so would most red-blooded american males - including the braintrust here at Made 'Em Jump Like Rod Strickland. Nothing starts our day off right like a nice pic of Erin Andrews' boobicles. We just wish they weren't swaddled away in a 60-40 cotton/poly blend. RELEASE THE HOUNDS!

Enjoy the visuals.

When Times Get Tough..

2008-02-27T17:41:00.003-05:00

Last night's game in Houston was brutal. The Wiz took a pretty bad beating. However, we have just the solution. Until Gilbert and Caron get back, lets just sign these two to temporary contracts...

The Justice System Works!

2008-02-27T12:26:00.006-05:00

Praise Jebus, a National Treasure can get a fair trial in this country...

Looks like our boy B Squared got a year of community service for the cocaine possession charge he caught last year.

There are two interesting things in the above linked article:

the article starts with six straight words that begin with "B"...pretty impressive
he got busted at a Holiday Inn...I don't even stoop low enough to stay at a Holiday Inn...unless it happens to be a pay day and I stop in for an hour of late afternoon fun...

If you are feeling badly for Bobby right now, just draw yourself a warm bath, put in the "Ghost Busters II" soundtrack, press play, and let your mind drift off to the days of yore when Bobby looked like this:

Where Have You Gone Guglio-o-tta???

2008-02-27T10:44:00.005-05:00

The Wizards need you more than you can know...whow whow whow...

So the Wiz are 3-10 for the month of February - the greatest month in the Aztec calendar - and as Gil said in his blog yesterday, "...it's getting crunchy now." So what are the Wiz to do until Gil and Caron are back on the court?

Well I'll tell you...they need to bring back the two greatest players in Bullets/Wizards history - Mr. Thomas P. Gugliotta and "The Man, The Myth, The Legend, The Guy Who Bought $19,200 in hot dogs" Mr. Kevin "00" Duckworth.

Now I'm no analyst like Agent Hiro, but I don't see how this could fail. However, if for some reason this deal doesn't go down, the Wiz need to adopt my "kick everyone in the balls" plan until there is no one left to play against and they win all their games...just call me Red Auerbach.

Dagger!!!!!

2008-02-26T20:08:00.006-05:00

Don't worry Harry Conick, Jr... you aren't the only one in New Orleans not feeling your face. That's right, DeShawn hit a three pointer as time ran out last night in the Big Easy and the Wiz got the win. This was a much needed, well deserved win on the road for the Zards. DeShawn had a career high 33 and more importantly, the beard fade was looking amazing. I'm waiting for the moment when I flip a picture of DeShawn upside down it somehow miraculously morphs into a picture of Play, of Kid n' Play fame. Anyway, since this post is late it will also serve as a Wiz/Rockets preview for tonight. The big news in the NBA today -- Yao is out for the season. And as one of my colleague's pointed out earlier in the day, the Chinese national team has to be freaking out about his status for this summer's Olympic games in Beijing. If he can't play, the U.S. needs to brace for an invasion courtesy of General Tso.
Prediction:
Wiz-102
Rockets-98

He's F'ing Ben Affleck

2008-02-25T16:13:00.003-05:00

This video pretty much speaks for itself. However, I know you all have one lingering question. Yes, at approximately 4:36, that is the purple suit wearing, Cornell graduate and singer of Hip To Be Square, Huey Lewis.

Omar Got Got

2008-02-25T11:16:00.008-05:00

RIP Omar Little - the most gully dude "on the down low"...ever...

Hot damn...your man in the streets - the assassin turned cripple turned puttin' Marlo on blast for hiding - Omar Little "got got" in last night's episode of "The Wire".

Fully expecting Omar to go down "in a hail of gunfire" a la Coach Norton, I was super shocked when Omar went out like he did. Marlo didn't get him...Chris & Snoop didn't get him...it was that young hopper Kenard. 'Nards just walked up on him in a Korean grocery store and...well...did what young kids do in Baltimore, shot a brotha. My guess is that 'Nards was calling out Omar for being a bitch and buying a pack of Newport Lights in a soft pack...A SOFT PACK!!! I thought only the Marlboro Man still bought soft packs...

Clay Davis is innocent.

SHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

The Good, The Bad And The Budweisers

2008-02-24T17:11:00.003-05:00

This weekend as a Wiz fan...

Friday night -- The boys traveled to Cleveland to take on the Cavs. If you've read this blog before, you know that we all hate Cleveland as a team and a city. Once again, Caron was out with the hip flexor. However, they did interview him and I tell you this -- Tough Juice is the best dressed player in the NBA. I was at a game at Verizon earlier this season and they did a best dressed contest showing Caron, Songalia and Pech. Does this seem unfair to anyone else? Caron was wearing a sick suit and looking fresh. Meanwhile, Pech was wearing Cross Colors (see Kriss Cross circa 1990) and Songalia was wearing a Hypercolor T-shirt. Needless to say, the deck was stacked in Caron's favor. Anyway, for the most part, the Wiz gave a gutty effort. They played tough defense, but in the end, were bested by Lebron, who hit two free throws in the waining seconds to give the Cavs the win. I went to bed enraged

Saturday night -- A couple of my friends and I had a suite at the phone booth for the game. It was awesome. One drawback about going to Wiz games is that I miss my friends Steve Buckhantz and Phil Chenier. In this case, I decided to replace their presence by drinking 20 Budweisers. This is where things start to get a little hazy and after the win, I decided to crack open about 20 more celebratory Budweisers. As opposed to being enraged when I went to bed, I was "spinny."

1-1 on the weekend. Still in the sixth playoff spot in the East and every day that passes we get closer to getting Gilbert and Caron back.

Made 'em Jump Murderous Rampage Photo of the Day

2008-02-22T12:23:00.007-05:00

This is the kind of picture that "gets my Irish up", makes me want to set my ears on fire...and then give up on humanity and pull a Lil' Wayne maneuver:

"one hand on ma money, on hand on ma buddy
thas tha AK47 made his neighborhood love me
bullets like birds you can hear them bitches hummin"

Not only does this picture just seriously irk - and not the good kind of irk as in "Erk and Jerk" - the fucking shite out of me because The Roots are associating themselves with this hootinany of a butt nugget, but because of this.

That weasely little bastard Moby worked Natalie Portman - one of the unexplainably / oddly flyest chicks in the game...gentile or Jew. She is dead to me.

I see you working Cleveland

2008-02-22T09:06:00.010-05:00

"To tell the truth, I’m not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I’m excited going to Cleveland, I’d punch myself in the face, because I’m lying." - Ichiro Suzuki

So I wanted to wait until the NBA trade deadline passed before I spoke on the absurd ammount of movement over the last couple of weeks, and now that the 2/21 3 pm deadline has passed and the dust has settled, let me make one thing clear: NBA Owners appear to be recruiting their GMs from the special olympics (not you Ernie.)

At one point or another, every single NBA GM will make a ridiculous mistake. Drafting Darko, signing Steve Francis and Marbury to the same roster, and signing Juwan Howard to the first 9 figure contract in the NBA are just a few examples. Unless of course your name starts with a W and ends in es Unseld, then it's the reverse, where once in a blue moon you'll make a logical decision. Like trading Sheed for Rod the God Body. That being said, it seems as if a ton of GMs this year have either been huffing spray paint in their offices, or are being paid off by the Tim Donaghy Gambinos to fix the trade season.

So to start off with some of the losers of the trade season, we'll begin with those idiots in Memphis. Essentially, the Griz gave the Lakers their best player in Pau Gasol for the WORST #1 pick ever, a rookie, and the rights to Pau's little brother. Is this some kind of sick joke? Dallas, I'm looking in your direction as well. While everyone else in your conference is stockpiling big men, you just gave up a good young point guard, serviceable big men depth and two first round draft picks for an over the hill point guard who was ABUSED by his heir to the point guard throne in his Dallas debut. Shaq to PHX was something I was hard on at first, but after watching them lose to LA the other night in a shootout, I'm semi-convinced that they could actually make it work. It didn't dawn on me until then, but whenever Shaq and Amare are on the court together, Amare's getting checked by the second biggest guy on the floor, which will be a mismatch every offensive set. Still on the fence, but cautiously optimistic about it. Hopefully Marion will help the Heat a little bit too so they won't fall into a ridiculous talent (read: Michael Beasley) with a top 5 pick in this year's draft to pair with Wade.

What I'd really like to talk about however, is those turd burglars in Ohio. Danny Ferry pulled the trigger on a 3 team 11 man trade yesterday, that nabbed the Cavs Ben Wallace and Wally World. Not this Wally World, this one. God damn Cleveland gave up a LOT for Wallace (Drew Gooden, Larry Hughes and some others.) I think that the Cavs are being a might bit pretentious going with two big men like Z and Wallace. You can tell they're posturing to make the finals again, and got Wallace to help defend against the big men in the West. Why would you need two big men like that, unless say Phoenix got Shaq to go with Amare, San Antonio got Kurt Thomas to go with TD, and LA got Gasol and will have a healthy Bynum in a couple of weeks. And even then, SA only got Thomas so they could defend against the two headed big man monster in Phoenix. All I'm saying is this will make the Wiz knocking Cleveland out in the second round that much sweeter. Ugh, God awful Ohio. At least you produce fine upstanding gentlemen like Maurice Clarett. Nothing says fly-over state like Grey Goose and assault rifles. Retards.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

P.S. For those of you who had a hellacious commute to work in the ice today, peep the Ichiro link all the way at the top, should brighten your day a bit. Mr. Miyagi + Motorboat = made 'em jump gold. For those of you who didn't, fuck Hugh.

Fear The Turtlehead

2008-02-21T21:01:00.003-05:00

This post is a little late, but being a Virginia Tech hoops fan in the D.C. area I had to write something about last night's Maryland vs. VT game in College Park. I don't want to pontificate and make all of the Maryland fans angry, but I do want to talk about three things I learned from last night's game.

3) Maryland can't play without their big men. Both Gist and Osby got into foul trouble early and had to sit, leaving room for Jeff Allen, one of the best freshman in the ACC, to dominate. Without the threat downlow the Maryland offense is Greivas Vasquez hoisting up threes and talking shit.

2) Hank Thorns is the next Nate Robinson.

1) The team that vomits the most wins. That's right, it wasn't one of those damn turtleheads that creeps out, checks out what's going on and then goes back in his hole that decided this game. It was upchuck, son. Well it didn't really decide the game, but with less than a minute left in the first half, Virginia Tech freshman Dorzeno Hudson puked all over the floor while a Maryland player was shooting free throws. From that point on, I knew Tech was golden. Only real ballers throw up. See Rod Strickland + chili dogs = vomit.

Who Ya Got?

2008-02-21T15:33:00.007-05:00

In honor of the NBA trade deadline we bring you "Who Ya Got?":

ESPN NBA analyst/orange talking head, Rich Bucher

or

Computer-animated talking head from "New Coke" commercials, his own T.V. show and various videos, Max Headroom.

We here at "Made 'em Jump Like Rod Strickland" are having a heated debate over which robot-esque individual is more life like. Headroom has the early lead but Bucher has the better Tan...so he's got that going for him.
(Ed note: Please ignore Mike Tirico - but not for too long, because he will destroy you.)

Gangsta, Gangsta

2008-02-21T14:27:00.008-05:00

C-Webb - The Pride of the Ghost of Bullets Past

This being a Chocolate City-based blog, we'd be remised if we didn't post this video. This, of course, is the single off his debut - and thank the U-G-O-D only - album "2 Much Drama". The song, as you may have surmised is called "Gangsta, Gangsta (How U Do It)".

The only redeemable thing about this video is that Ghostface Killah (aka Pretty Tony aka Wally Champ aka Paisley Fontaine) makes a cameo. Well...actually...on second thought...Besides this being a "D.C." blog...our blog name is also a reference to "Triumph" by the Wu-Tang Clan. Not sure why Ghostface would lend his pretty mug to this video...it hurts his street cred...the only thing "gangsta" about this video is that the dancing chicks are dressed as some official office bitches...except they're office bitches with their stomachs showing and razor blades in their mouths...cause they'll cut a brotha...

I take that back, there are two good things in this video...the other being a guy doing "the Kid n' Play" dance...SOLO..."Nay" you say, "Tis impossible". If Gil's shoe sponsor has taught us anything, it's "Impossible is Nothing".

That being said, I can assure that Raekwon the Chef is turning over in his grave right now...if, of course, he was actually dead...

Big ups to The WIZZNUTZZ for finding this video.

Yours in drinking champagne of the stomach of a bad office bitch,
Agent Zero

Not quite Auburn Palace

2008-02-19T15:36:00.004-05:00

We know this happened a few days ago...but we couldn't forgive ourselves if we didn't mention the brawl that broke out after the Memphis vs. UAB game this past Saturday. The picture below is mesmerizing for many reasons, not the least of which is a kid in a sleeveless orange hunting shirt getting slapped in the face by a disembodied hand of some Memphis player (right side of pic). Other sites have entertaining break-downs, but we here at "Made 'Em Jump like Rod Strickland" are fascinated for an entirely personal reason....

The namesake of this blog, the great Mr. Rod Strickland happened to be involved. I know what your thinking: "but I don't see Chico DeBarge anywhere in the crowd!" That dear readers, is exactly why this picture is so fascinating to us: Rod is nowhere to be found. By all accounts he acted as a peace maker during the fracas. We attribute his apparent placid nature to a full stomach of half-smokes and a rasta-sized blizzies.

...Guaranteed to make 'em jump like Rod Strickland. One.

This Man Knows Danson and Dancing

2008-02-18T16:57:00.004-05:00

That's right. It's the moment we've all been waiting for. Multiple blogs are reporting that Steve Guttenberg (think "Three Men and A Baby," not 1400's printing press guy) will be a contestant on the next season of "Dancing With The Stars." There's no official word yet, but as many of the heads who post on this site would say... "tanfastic."

Update: Today, the cast of "Dancing with the Stars" was officially released. And confirming what we reported yesterday, Guttenberg is on board. When asked for comment he could only say "I feel like Danson, Ted Danson the night away." Not really, but that would've been cool.