Thursday, May 7, 2009

Gizzled Ol' Douche-Nozzle

We ALL know he's coming back, so let's just prepare for the worst: the 24 hour Farve-a-thon that is ESPN; the media fawning and the annual Rachel Nichols vigil. Not to mention the endless, mindless, spineless praise he'll receive. The list of cliches used to describe Brett Farve over the years is long and nauseating. The popsicle mouth-massages have come from everywhere, most notably: Peter King, John Madden and this guy (literally). Let's examine a few that we are destined to hear a MILLION TIMES over the course of this summer:

"He's like a BIG KID out there..."

"He's a gun-slinger..."

"He LOVES the game of football..."

Let's address each shameless lie in order:

  • "Big-kid": Implies his disposition is innocent. Nothing could be farther from the truth. This guy is the most calculating, image whore this side of Alex Rodriguez. KSK did a superlative job of deconstructing this female-napkin.
  • "Gun-Slinger": if this is a euphemism for a brain-dead interception machine...then I have no complaint. If it so happens to mean something other than chucking 40 yrd lame ducks into double coverage, then may I please direct your attention to the following exhibits:

    or this:

'Nuff Said

  • "LOVES the game of FOOTBALL": the only thing Farves loves is himself and a comfortable pair of WRANGLER JEANS....and possibly the other little nuances that make life in Hattiesburg Mississippi so delightful!

Farve is a pompus ass-hat, whose sole reason for returning to football AGAIN is to avenge the blow dealt to his ego by Packers GM Ted Thompson 2 summers ago when he said*:

"You know what Brett Farve? Go pound sand you fucking begrizzled ass-fister. This organization is bigger than you and your shitty denim. We've got Sir Schnozzola on the sidelines just waiting to drop bombs to Greg Jennings. You think you can hold a big city like Green Bay Wisconsin hostage? Well you can't - now go cut your lawn and look for the dignity you lost long ago."

And that's why Ted Thompson is an adjunct editor of this site. Good day to you sirs.

* Not anywhere close to what he said.

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