Friday, June 27, 2008

Fuck You Chad Ford

"Either you're slangin' crack rock or you got a wicked jump shot." - B.I.G.

So, it's been a couple months since I've posted. I've been committed at least a dozen times to try and cope with the Wiz's untimely exit from the playoffs, and after the 13th opinion on my psychiatric health, the state has deemed me healthy(-ish) enough to return to blogging. Well, not really. I just drowned my sorrows in an ocean of HOBs, Patron and Parliaments, from which I'm just surfacing now. Smelling awesome. Luckily I came up for air just in time for the greatest hood fashion show outside of the "ghetto prom" e-mail; the NBA Draft.

I'd imagine one of the hardest things to do as a sports journalist, is to create a mock draft that people can take seriously. Keep in mind I use that phrase sports journalism very loosely, as I'm about to talk about the one and only Chad Ford. I usually go visit the Chad Ford fueled mock drafts regularly, for nothing more than laughs. Remember, C-Fizzle was the guy who swore up and down that Darko was going to be better than Carmelo. (Does anyone else realize that Kwame and Darko are both on the Grizzlies now? That my friends, is what we in the biz refer to as the perfect storm . . . of awfulness.) Let's take a quick look at Ford's assessment of the Pistons pick after the 2003 draft:

Ford's Take: Darko is really one of a kind. He runs the floor, handles the ball, shoots the NBA 3 and plays with his back to the basket, so you can slot him in at the 3, 4 or 5 positions. OK, a few other guys can do that too; what sets Darko apart is his toughness in the post. You have to love a guy who has the footwork to spin by an opponent but still prefers to lower a shoulder and bang. Fact is, Milicic plays in attack-mode at both ends of the floor. The more you push, the more he pushes back. While he won't be asked to carry the Pistons, he's capable of doing this earlier than you think.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sweet Jesus, do I need to say anything else? I've never seen Darko do anything that remotely resembles:

1) Lowering a shoulder and banging
2) Spinning by an opponent
3) Toughness
4) Running the floor (in his defense, you have to be on the floor to run it.)
5) Playing any numerical position other than 11 or 12

Oh Chad Ford, you should really consider a career in comedy. You probably typed that entire paragraph without even cracking a smile. You're composure and dedication to the art of the punchline is an inspiration to us all. Wait, you were serious about that? That was . . . awkward.

So about a month ago, when mock draft 1.0 was published, I thought nothing of the fact that Ford had the greatest team this side of the Mississippi drafting some dude named Javale McGee. It frustrated me when he continued to project us taking McGee in mock drafts 2.0 - 4.0, and I even thought he was mailing it in since he hadn't changed his analysis of McGee in the first 4 predictions. Then last night happened, and the almighty Chad Ford flexed his prognosticating muscle when Fuhrer Stern stepped up to the podum and announced the Wiz had indeed drafted said Javale McGee.

I'll be honest, I don't know much about Javale McGee, except that the above picture scares me. He's got that Kwame Brown "I don't know what city/state/country I'm in" look about his face., which is usually a credible source has compared him to Andrew Bynum/Patrick O'Bryant. Spec-fucking-tacular. So he'll either be hurt for the whole season, or I'll have never heard of him. But since he'll be donning the blue and gold, we'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now. And, as always, the Made 'em Jump brain-trust has found multiple positives out of all of this:

A) He's not Roy Hibbert
B) He's neither Lopez (Robot or Sideshow Bob varieties)
C) He's neither Kwame or Kwameeri Brown
D) He doesn't look like DJ Qualls unlike a certain Sexy Oleksiy character
E) Our draft this year didn't look like this. Or this. And especially not this. That just cost me two weeks of nightmare free sleep.

Javale, Choco-bot city needs a big man, so let's hope you're going to be our guy. And hey, if you're not eating Popeye's 3 times a day, wearing suits once and throwing them out, or bringing your own french dressing to four star restaurants, you're already doing better than the Wiz's highest pick of the 21st century. I know the rookie bar is set high in DC, but we're all rooting for you.

In other draft news, the more things change, the more they stay the same. The Knicks continued their long standing tradition of disappointing their pissed off fans by drafting some Italian who's father played with D'Antoni in Italy. The Knicks fan responded in kind by continuing their longstanding tradition of booing and being assholes to anyone that'll listen. Michael Jordan continues to challenge Isiah Thomas as the biggest "player turned retard front office guy" by drafting an undersized point guard he doesn't need. It takes a special talent to undermine Raymond Felton's confidence and guarantee you're team will continue to be the only franchise to never make the playoffs all in one draft night move. Michael Jordan, I applaud you. And last but not least, Pat Riley sobered up and took Michael Beasley instead of OJ Mayo.

Since it's been so long, here's a couple other sports related tidbits from the last couple of months:
Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

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