Friday, April 11, 2008

Sic Semper Eastern Conference Foes: More Bullets on the Bullets

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Sic Semper Eastern Conference Foes. Roughly translated "This is what will happen to all Eastern conference foes." God I love Virginia. Once again I was forced to take a hiatus from writing posts due to work load issues at my paying job, executive producing MILF Island. Now that the season finale aired last night I'll have some more time on my hands. What better way to come back than to do another session of bullets on the Bullets (and this time a couple of other DC Sports related notes) :

  • GILBERT IS BACK: To all those haters who said that Gil was bullshitting when he said he'd come back off the bench and be an assist man, well, to put it in the words of Ty Webb, your uncle molests collies. In three games back, Gil's been putting up 14.3 points and 4.3 assists in just under 22 minutes a game. Forget the points, 4.3 dimes in 20-ish minutes? Not too shabby Agent Zero.
  • WIZARDS PLAYOFF PUSH: Four games left in the season, @DET, PHL, IND and @ORL. We're two games behind Queen James and his merry band of dick riders for the 4 seed, a game in front of Illadelphia for the 6 seed and two games in front of America Jr.'s Team for the 7 seed. Not so sure we're going to be able to make up two games with four left to take the 4th seed, although that would be ideal. As for the opponents left, Detroit looks like they've already packed it up and are severely limiting their stars' minutes, Indy is making a late playoff push, but it looks to be too little too late, and hopefully Orlando tanks it in the last game of the season. Philly tomorrow night is of the utmost importance. Win that one, and we'll hopefully lock up the 5 seed and a date with the Queen.
  • WIZ BEAT CELTICS......AGAIN: Thank God we handled our bidness and won this important one. If there's one NBA team I dislike more than the Cavs, it would have to be the Celtics. I've always hated the Celtics, but all the recent sports success in Boston has taken it to a new level. If I have to hear one more shitty accent about the Sox, the Pats or the Celtics, that Boston fan is going to get Paul Pierce'd. I must admit though, after reading this, it seems that half the C's fans have a grip on reality (EJPLAYA, you're welcome in the DMV anytime), the other half are drinking the Doc Rivers Kool-Aid (I'm looking your way Frontierboy.) The only time you'll ever hear a fake Boston accent pass through my lips, is when I appropriately call anyone named Todd, "Re-Todd." On a semi related note, big ups to Trey Parker and Matt Stone for calling out the Pats while paying homage to Stand and Deliver all in one blow. HOW DO I REACH THESE KEEEDZ?!?!?!
  • CAPS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS: Well, I don't watch hockey, I've been to one game and I find it hard to follow the puck when I watch it on TV, but hey, this is a Chocolate City sports team so we gotta cover it. The last time the Wiz and Caps were in the playoffs at the same time, we were the Bullets, we were both playing in USAir Arena when it was known as the Capital Centre, Sesame Street was still heterosexual, and I was 7 years old. God damn 1988 was a money year. While we're on the subject of the Caps, why do they get to switch back to red, white and blue, yet the Wiz can't? Can we start a petition to get our original colors back? YO PAUL LUCAS, GET AT ME SO WE CAN TALK AND MAKE MOVES SON.
  • DC UNITED MEDIOCRE: My boys holding it down in RFK have started the season kind of slow. Got murked in their first MLS game of the season, won their MLS home opener in convincing fashion, and then couldn't overcome a 2 goal aggregate deficit at RFK on Wednesday night to get knocked out of the Champions' Cup. Ben Olsen is still out too, recovering from ankle surgery in the off season. He must be the (chest/facial) hair to DC United's Samson.
  • LARRANAGA STAYS IN THE DMV: My man Coach L turned down the head coaching gig at his alma mater Providence in favor of signing a contract extension with Mason through the 2014-2015 season. To top that off, Feinstein wrote a money piece on Coach L in the Post this week. From everything I hear, President Merten had a HUGE part in keeping Coach L, as did the AD. That's the athletic department, certainly not the athletic director.
I think I covered everything I wanted to, with the notable exception of my dissertation on Brendan Haywood, including in depth scientific analysis of whether his head is filled with caramel or malted milk, if pulling hair in a fight is in fact a bitch move, as well as a beautifully rendered venn diagram highlighting the pros and cons of the two handed dunk being the most potent move in your arsenal. Me thinks that'll have to wait for a post of its own. Lastly, let's raise our glasses and toast the return of 30 Rock and The Office last night, my sister introducing me to the wonder that is Pandora Radio, and me winning an authentic Rod Strickland Wizards jersey on eBay.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

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