Friday, March 28, 2008

Duke Flavored Hater-Aid - The Choice of a New Generation


Ah...rejoicing in others' suffering - the official motto of Made 'em Jump...

Have you ever hated something so much you've wanted to "...throw a Molotov cocktail through your momma's momma's house..."??

Have you ever had an overwhelming need to two-foot some blue painted fucks right into a hot dog cart full of Eskay hot dogs?

Not that we here at Made 'em Jump hate Duke basketball, it's just that they are the biggest crop of butt nugget turds with an unnatural sense of entitlement the likes of which haven't been seen since...well...Greasy Bear.

That being said...

This past Saturday, thrice of the gentlemen that author this here fine blog went to the Verizon Center for the NCAA Tournament 2nd round Duke vs. West Virginia and Xavier vs. Purdue.

When it comes to college sports we, like most semi-law abiding citizens, aren't down with WVU and their couch burning / battery throwing policies. But when you pit WVU against Duke, you have to root against Duke.

So the thrice of us take our seats in the rafters of the Phone Booth and who should plop down in front of us but two of the most stereotypical Duke fans...ever...



These Carlton Banks, joint tax return filing mother fuckers sit down rocking their officially issued "Cameron Crazies" fan package circa 1997 - visors, gray camo-ish pants from a long forgotten Sisqo, "witty" Duke themed t-shirts, etc. And no sooner did we sit down did they go into their "trash" talking and Duke chants and choreographed dance routines. These guys clearly had no clue who they were dealing with, as they're the ones that initiated the shit talking. Granted, their shit talking consisted of spouting off grade point averages, rubbing each other's nipples and very non hetero pats on the ass. For every made fould shot Duke took, these turds would do the patened "Woosh" and every time WVU would shoot, they would try to distract the shooter (keep in mind they were roughly 1,000 feet from the floor).

It was impossible to ignore these fuckers...first of all they came with "girls"...one of which was built like Mike Golic...the other, large boobicaled one, was rocking a Carolina Blue "I Heart Roy's Boys" t-shirt. These turds couldn't even get cred with their bitches...

As the delightfully well bred sports fans that we are, we tried not to let them get to us...but despite our best efforts, we couldn't help but get our Irish up...or in the case of Agent Hiro, his Asian-American Irish up...

We lit into them the way three bad brothers from the mean streets of Northern Virginia would...lots of screaming "done, son" in their ears after every WVU point, plenty of nonsensical retarded comments, asking them when they were getting married and where they were registered at, and all the annoying bits that made us laugh and them curse the TicketMaster Gods for their seating assignments...

About halfway through the 2nd half WVU started to pull away on the backs of Radford, Va. native Darris Nichols and this mother fucker - Mr. Basketball West Virginia Joe Alexander (not the Huggy Bear). With about 4 minutes left in the game, it began to look like WVU was going to win. And then the most unbelievable thing in the history of all sports happened...the turd in the sweatshirt pulled out his own single serving cup of apple sauce and began to drink it like a fucking glass of scotch...just sipping on the mother fucker...AND THEN THE THEO HUXTABLE FUCK TURNED THE TOP OF HIS APPLE SAUCE INTO A FUCKING SPOON AND SCOOPED OUT THE LAST FEW MORSELS OF THE APPLE SAUCERIFFIC SNACK...fucking unbelievable...almost as unbelievable as the fact that none of us took a picture of it...

Once WVU was well on their way to victory, all shit talking (from them) had ceased, and said turds began to pretend like we weren't there. Long story short, the two Dookies finally digested the fact that their team just isn't that good, and decided to console each other, the only way two former Duke "roommates" (read: life partners) can:


I'm guessing my man on the right is the big spoon at night.

High fives all around for Duke being overrated.

God is Love,
Rev Run (Really Agent Beero, Agent Hiro, and the other two ghost faced bloggers who refuse to create e-monikers)

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