Monday, February 11, 2008

Absentee Ballot: Catching up on the Week in Sports

"I hate so much about the things you choose to be" - Michael Scott, unintentionally summarizing my feelings on Mexican Soccer


I know I know, I've been slacking like a mu'fucker lately. But hey, as my nephew would say, someone's gotta pay the bills. Well, someone's gotta pay them until I marry Rachel Bilson, but that's neither here nor there. Seriously though, I don't write a post in a week, and Agent Beero tries the internet equivalent of changing the locks on me. Can't get too mad about that though, since Rod Strickland is the NBA equivalent to God. You think God and Rod rhyming is a coincidence? Think again heathen. He's like God, if God were cool enough to hang out with Chico DeBarge. So since I've been gone for ten days, let's catch up on the three biggest thing in the past week in sports. Well, in my world of sports.

1) Your new Redskins coach.....JIM ZORN!!!!

Don't even get me started. To quote myself, when I saw this on the TV at our local watering hole on Saturday night, I turned to Agent Gyro and Agent Beero, muttered "I'm too drunk to talk about this", stumbled out, caught a cab and went home and passed out. This was at 11 pm. I'm not going to make a ludicrous statement and say I won't start drinking HOBs at 2 pm again during our weekly round of golf, but let's just say it's not a good idea if you're planning on going out/living past 11 pm. Also, just a reminder to the guy serving us beers in the clubhouse: Don't egg me on. I will drink everything you put in front of me. You've been warned. As far as the new head coach, the only way I can be genuinely happy about this, is if Jim's illegitimate lovechild Charlie Zorn is named as our new WR coach.

2) The Wiz are on a 7 game losing streak.

I watched last night's WAS/PHX game on ESPN last night (Those assholes at Cox don't give us CSNHD, so if I ever want to see my adopted family in HD, I have to watch it on ESPN) and I swear to God, we need to engineer a way to get Phil and Buck doing the national broadcasts. Those retards on ESPN last night must have mentioned about 76 times that this was not "the full Suns squad" playing out there. Lots of "Marion's already gone, Shaq is still sidelined" talk, and about how impressive they were looking. HEY FUCK FACES. WE STARTED ROGER MASON JR. Yes, the same Roger Mason Jr. who was the Wiz's honorary white guy until Songaila was healthy last season. If you went to high school with Chelsea Clinton and then after that, attended a university where they wear ties to football games, I'm pretty sure you're the whitest thing on the 06-07 Wiz roster. Seriously, I think I heard 1 mention of how the Wiz were without Gil, Tough Juice and Antonio. Just so everyone knows, our starting five looked like this last night:

1 - Mr. 50
2 - Honorary White Guy
3 - Who Blatche'd Ya
4 - Jamison
5 - Hey Hey Haywood

That left Sexy Oleksiy, Nick "Gunner" Young, Songaila and Dominic McGuire on the bench. We dressed 9 players, played without our two best players and our third best guard and we still only lost to one of the best Western teams by 1. Things are pretty bad right now. Could be a lot worse.

3) US Soccer draws with ungrateful red headed step brother.

In North America's version of El Clasico, US hosted Mexico in an international friendly last Wednesday. 2-2 draw, we was robbed. "Deuce" deuced on three defenders to score a ridiculous solo effort for our third, only for that to be called back due to some made up off sides rule. Assholes. Haters. Call them what you will, I call them Mexicans. I could go on for 19 more pages on rants about Mexican soccer, but for the reader's sake, I'll condense it to this short list:

  • El Tricolores is the nickname for the Mexico national team. Translation: the three colors. Pretty dumb. However, when you look at the rest of the world and their nicknames, I guess it's fitting. Les Bleus is pretty gay, but you expect nothing less from the French. Azzurri sounds pretty greasy, so I guess that's fitting for the Italians. Summary? France is gay, Italy is greasy and Mexico is dumb. Exactly how my geography professor put it.
  • Rafa Marquez may have earned himself a spot on my "List of 10 people I would kill in a consequence free world." He's right behind Chris Collins, Wojo, Wizards era Michael Jordan, Paul Pierce, and just in front of Jose Mourinho, Michael Irvin and three future Duke basketball players to be named later.
  • The fiscal upside to having a US Mexico game close to the border: You can save thousands of dollars in parking services, not because you switched car insurance, but because most of the 70,000 fans will show up in 7 cars.
  • Hey FIFA Fuckheads, when the US plays Mexico, instead of pulling the officiating crew from somewhere in Central America, or another South American country of Mexican descent, how about you use a completely neutral crew from Asia or Europe? I'm tired of seeing Mexicans dress up as El Salvadorians, fake a couple of passports and pass themselves off as neutral refs. If we're gonna keep doing that, let's save a couple dollars and just get some day laborers from a 7-11 in Herndon.
Great, now it's 6:30, and I'm all fired up about some US Mexico ish. Looks like another HOB induced sleep for me tonight bishes.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

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